Pedro Jokes

June 10th 2010

2010-06-10T04:35:00.001-07:00

The coverage of the oil spill by some of the Networks is getting ridiculous. For example now NBC is showing its logo, the peacock, covered on oil.

Experts believe that the oil spill will continue until the fall. Which is not that bad considering that the video of the pipe blasting oil is the only must see TV this summer.

BP claimed on Sunday that they are capturing almost 10,000 gallons of oil a day. Unfortunately, the pelicans are winning.

Rush Limbaugh got married on Saturday. It was weird for the new wife, especially when on the first night she found Rush in bed with the Republican Party, the oil and the gun industry.

As he tried to show off features of the new iPhone 4, Apple CEO Steve Jobs' Wi-Fi connection failed twice. Even worse, when he tried to call for assistance, AT&T kept dropping the call.

During the presentation of the iPhone 4, Steve Jobs had embarrassing technical glitches. I’m sure Steve Jobs is going to have some of his people losing Steve’s last name?

During the "MTV Movie Awards," Sandra Bullock confessed she takes two showers a day. Apparently, it is not that easy to get rid of Jesse James’ stench.

Lindsay Lohan showed up at the MTV Movie Awards. She arrived late, as she was stuck for hours trying to go through the Metal detector.

Lindsay Lohan showed up at the MTV Movie Awards last night. Unfortunately, her SCRAM ankle bracelet kept going off because she sat close to Courtney Love.

A team of scientists from the University of Missouri may have finally cracked the code on vegetarian chicken. Unfortunately, this time, it doesn’t taste like chicken.

White House correspondent Helen Thomas retired today at the age of 89. I don’t think it is definite; wait until she takes a second look at her 401K...

White House correspondent Helen Thomas retired today at the age of 89. Larry King... your move...

According to police sources in France, tall security agents have been discreetly advised to not apply for a job guarding French president Nicolas Sarkozy. Apparently, it doesn’t look very presidential to constantly bump your head into your bodyguards’ crotches.

Nearly two thirds of Americans cannot name the members of the Supreme Court. Can’t you blame them? They keep changing constantly, first Paula left, now Simon…..

Only 40% of Americans say they've smoked pot. The other 60 % can’t remember…

Chrysler has decided to initiate a voluntary recall of almost 35,000 Dodge Calibers for problems with their breaks. When it comes to cars, we are always months behind the Japanese.

A man going to jail in Central Washington smuggled in his butt a green cigarette lighter, rolling papers, tobacco, tattoo ink, needles, a pipe and a small baggie of marijuana. Ironically, no crack!

More than 400,000 joined a Facebook group to boycott BP. Apparently, when the group reaches the million BP will be invited to host SNL.

Uruguay’s President Jose Mujica lists his entire wealth as a 1987 Volkswagen Beetle. Which, in a way, is worth more than owning half of GM.

Rumors started circulating on the web that Gary Coleman’s wife killed him. I don’t know; this story doesn’t seem to have long legs.

June 10th 2010

2010-06-10T04:35:00.000-07:00

May 26th 2010

2010-05-26T10:29:00.000-07:00

A gambling website published odds on what species will be first to become extinct from the Gulf of Mexico oil spill. My money is on “The Democrats.”

Arizona Gov. Janice Brewer has requested predator drones from the White House to patrol the border region with Mexico. Obama apologized and said that at this moment he is using all of them to protect their daughters from the Jonas Brothers.

President Barack Obama suggested in an interview that LeBron James would fit in well with the Chicago Bulls. Obama is the right person to talk about free agents as he might become one after 2012.

Mark Twain's autobiography is finally to be published 100 years after his death. Sorry, but If I could wait a 100 years, I’d rather wait 102 and see the movie.

Donald Trump hired Brett Michaels in the season finale of The Apprentice. And Trump claims to be a great businessman? Brett immediately started collecting disability.

Market went down yesterday; mostly the stocks of major distillers and liquor distributors dropped after they heard the news that Lindsay Lohan had been ordered to wear an alcohol-monitoring ankle bracelet yesterday.

Lindsay Lohan was ordered yesterday to wear an alcohol-monitoring ankle bracelet. She is cool; as long as the judge doesn’t go for the drug-monitoring-nose ring.

Lindsay Lohan is concerned that the alcohol-monitoring bracelet on her ankle can ruin the filming of her upcoming movie. Especially considering she’ll be playing a porn star and she's worried that the ankle bracelet will keep getting caught on her earrings.

Miley Cyrus discovered a scorpion in her Nashville hotel room. Her father walked in the room and killed it. Then he billed her $200,000 for his services.

The FDA will debate approving a Viagra-for-women type drug next month. I thought wine was already legal in this country.

According to a recent survey by iVillage.com, 41% of women would rather catch up on sleep than have sex with their husband. Why does it have to be either/or? My wife does both things at the same time…

According to a recent survey by iVillage.com, 55% of married women are happy with their sex lives. The other 45% are not having affairs.

According to a recent survey by "Women's Health" magazine, 45% of women say they count calories. What proves how bad our education system is; none of them seems to know math.

A 63 year-old New Jersey man has been arrested for reaching under the blanket of a sleeping woman aboard a Continental flight and sexually abusing her. The bad news, he’ll go to jail for a long time; the good news, he’ll get better food there than aboard the plane.

A 63 year-old New Jersey man has been arrested for reaching under the blanket of a sleeping woman aboard a Continental flight and sexually abusing her. Today Continental changed its slogan. The new one… “Want to get off?”

May 17th 2010

2010-05-17T12:59:00.000-07:00

Former NFL star, Lawrence Taylor, claims he only pleasured himself in front of the 16-year-old prostitute. He is definitely not going to have any problem finding expert witnesses when the case goes to court.

Former NFL star, Lawrence Taylor, claims he only pleasured himself in front of the 16-year-old prostitute. What a jerk!

A woman told President Obama he had a "smokin' little body" during a campaign stop in Buffalo. It was Kagan trying to show Republicans she is not a lesbian.

Sarah Palin is releasing another book in November. This one actually acts as a translator so you get to understand the first one.

The Pentagon will start awarding a medal for "courageous restraint." The first one will be awarded to Hoda Kotb for not killing Kathie Lee.

Kathie lee Gifford and Hoda Kotb did the "Today" show with no makeup on yesterday. A little early for the Halloween special, don’t you think?

A study says that caffeine reduces on-the-job mistakes. I just sent a bag of coffee to BP

A study says that caffeine reduces on-the-job mistakes. Shouldn’t we open a Starbucks in congress?

George Rekers, the anti-gay rights activist who recently toured Europe with a male escort says he is going to hire an attorney and fight the false media reports. Apparently he chose the attorney from rentaboy.com

George Rekers, the anti-gay rights activist who recently toured Europe with a male escort says he is going to hire an attorney and fight the false media reports. He is thinking on using the “Twinkie defense”

George Rekers, the anti-gay rights activist who recently toured Europe with a male escort still says that the men he hired from rentaboy.com was just someone that handled his bags. Apparently he wanted a well endowed one because he knew the bag handler will probably had to go through a body scanner at the airport.

Arizona State’s school chief said yesterday that public schools shouldn’t encourage students to resent a particular race. Apparently he doesn’t want schools to do the job of the government.

A man in Arizona tried to commit suicide by loading his car with explosives and driving it off a cliff but the car didn’t explode and he was arrested. Apparently he had taken bomb lessons with the Times Square bomber.

May 14th 2010

2010-05-14T11:12:00.001-07:00

Sammy Sosa has black skin again. Unfortunately, he was immediately arrested while driving in Arizona.

TMZ posted a video yesterday of Miley Cyrus dancing suggestively with an older man during the wrap party for "The Last Song" last year. Billy Ray Cyrus said that he is going to have a talk with Miley in a couple days; first he wants to be sure he gets his allowance.

Larry King and his wife are calling off their divorce. It makes sense; why would she take 50 percent of the money when she can take 100 % in a matter of weeks, right?

"Life & Style" magazine reports that Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt are living in a filthy house. Mostly because she can’t control her gigantic boobs and she keeps knocking things over.

Comedy Central cancelled "The Sarah Silverman Program". Her fault; instead of screwing Matt Damon, she should have had sex with the CEO of Comedy Central.

Experts say Hair is one of the best solutions to absorb the oil from the U.S. Gulf Coast Beaches. Just hair clips; someone tell the guys from Jersey Shore they don’t need to dive in.

Dennis Quaid gained 35 pounds to play Bill Clinton in an upcoming HBO film. And he didn’t have to gain as much as the actress playing Monica Lewinsky.

South Carolina governor Mark Sanford admits he spent the weekend in the Florida Keys with his Argentinean mistress. Apparently, he wanted to take her to Arizona, but he was afraid she could get arrested.

Republicans picked Tampa as the site of their convention in 2012, mostly because they have the best lesbian-themed strip joints in the country.

Two medical marijuana stores were firebombed in Montana. Neighbors were quite upset but immediately forgot about it.

Two medical marijuana stores were firebombed in Montana. “They should do it more often,” said the local owner of Taco Bell. “Our sales skyrocketed!”

According to a new study, hearing your mother's voice can help ease stress. Apparently, these researchers haven’t met my mother yet; I don’t think I can reduce any stress when I hear my mom screaming that I haven’t accomplished anything in life!

According to a new survey, one in five parents regret the name they gave their kids, especially those who got beat up by their kids when they were old enough to realize how awful their names were.

A new study from the University of Wisconsin has found that kids are almost as comforted by a mother's phone call as they are from a mother's hug... So if you have AT&T, it’s like having a mom with no arms; she keeps dropping you…

According to a new study in Germany, men who marry much younger women live longer lives. Don’t be so happy. Living a long life penniless after they divorce you is not fun at all.

According to a new study in Germany, men who marry much younger women live longer lives. So, as long as Larry keeps marrying young women, he’ll never die.

According to a new study in Germany, women who marry much younger men live shorter lives. Yeah, but nobody can erase the smiles on their faces after they die!

May 12th 2010

2010-05-12T11:57:00.000-07:00

According to a survey from the AARP, 43% of people over the age of 45 say they're satisfied with their sex lives. And those are the ones that are NOT having sex.

According to a survey in England, one in three people have had a sex-related injury… the one caught by the husband who came back home earlier from work.

South Africa's Drug Central Authority estimates 40,000 prostitutes will visit the country for the Soccer World cup. Who says there’s no scoring in soccer?

Dwayne Johnson will star in the fifth “Fast and the Furious” Movie Apparently, this time the “Fast and the Furious” are the Toyota owners.

President Obama has named Elena Kagan as his choice for the Supreme Court. For regular Americans to understand, it is like replacing a judge in American Idol with Ellen.

The escort from rentaboy.com that travelled to Europe with Rev. George Rekers told the media that he gave nude massages to Rekers. I don’t get it; he was the one carrying the bags; shouldn’t he be the one getting the massages?

A Continental flight dumped jet fuel over New Jersey Sunday. And apparently it fell all over the hair of the cast of Jersey Shore!

Ken Griffey Jr. allegedly fell asleep in the clubhouse during a recent Seattle Mariners game. That’s Mariners are not hitting a single ball lately, they don’t want to wake him up..

Ken Griffey Jr. allegedly fell asleep in the clubhouse during a recent Seattle Mariners game. In his defense, they were playing the Orioles!

Ken Griffey Jr. allegedly fell asleep in the clubhouse during a recent Seattle Mariners game. You can’t blame him, you need to sleep when you have games that last more than 6 hours.

Ken Griffey Jr. allegedly fell asleep in the clubhouse during a recent Seattle Mariners game. And that for those who say soccer is boring.

A photographer spotted a huge shark in a pickup truck in Florida. Apparently, the shark was chasing an ambulance.

Katy Perry tops the "Maxim" hottest 100 women. Her boyfriend Russel Brand must be so mad because he didn’t even make the top 10.

May 10th 2010

2010-05-10T18:26:00.001-07:00

A TSA worker attacked one of his co-workers after one of the new airports scanners showed how small his junk was and he got teased repeatedly about it. He should have thought twice before the attack: at that time only people at work knew about his small penis, now, everybody in the world.

Former NFL star Lawrence Taylor was charged Thursday with raping a 16-year-old runaway. He played all his life as a linebacker, but he’ll learn fast how to play as a wide receiver when he goes to jail.

Former NFL star Lawrence Taylor was charged Thursday with raping a 16-year-old runaway. Everybody was appalled, especially Roman Polanski because the girl was too old.

Former NFL star Lawrence Taylor was charged Thursday with raping a 16-year-old runaway. He was one of the best defensive players of all time. I hope he’s got some game left, because once in jail, he’ll need to protect his tight end again.

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie has announced that he wants to give schools more flexibility in their scheduling by lessening the Physical Education Requirements. The truth is he doesn’t want the kids in shape, because he knows they will run faster out of New Jersey.

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie has announced that he wants to give schools more flexibility in their scheduling by lessening the Physical Education Requirements. It is insane, if the kids in New Jersey are not in shape, who on earth is going to want to watch Jersey Shore.

Supporters of Arizona's immigration law are now boycotting UPS. They definitely hate brown people over there.

A Washington school district will begin using drug-sniffing dogs in high schools. Parents are cool with the idea. They'd rather have dogs humping their kids than teachers.

A new survey shows 92% of Americans think God exists. The number of believers grew fast especially after Kate Gosselin got eliminated from Dancing with the stars.

Bruce Willis has signed on to "Die Hard 5”. I don’t want to say Bruce is old but this time in the movie the character fights against the Death Panels.

According to Forbes there are 70 mothers in the world who are billionaires. So if you were depressed because you didn’t know what to buy to your mother on Mother’s day, imagine the kids of those moms.

A man in Georgia is behind bars after police found marijuana growing in his TV. Apparently he couldn’t wait for the next season of Weed to start

A man in Georgia is behind bars after police found marijuana growing in his TV. Police confirmed even though the TV was old, it was High definition.

May 7th 2010

2010-05-07T18:36:00.000-07:00

During an interview with ABC news, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said that Osama Bin Laden is living in Washington, D.C. A 6-feet 2 tall guy, familiar with bombs? He is probably playing for the Wizards.

During an interview with ABC news, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said that Osama Bin Laden is living in Washington, D.C. Yeah, apparently he was living in Detroit, but it got too dangerous there.

During an interview with ABC news, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said that Osama Bin Laden is living in Washington, D.C. Apparently, he just moved; he was waiting for Obama to pass the Health Care bill so he could treat his dialysis for free.

The terrorist suspect Faisal Shahzad, attended college in the US with a 2.78 grade point average. If you think that’s a bad grade, you should have seen the score card he got in the making-bombs-course at terrorist camp.

Officials believe that if the car bomb had exploded it would have killed people but not so many. Chances are, the terrorist could have caused more casualties had he driven a Toyota in Times Square during peak hours.

Former "playboy" model Kendra Wilkinson is trying desperately to stop the release of a sex tape that Vivid entertainment wants to make available to the public. She is really embarrassed; apparently, the video shows her wearing clothes.

Actor Charlie Sheen gave up custody of his kids with Denise Richards. It was really tough for Charlie to have to give up the kids. You know how much he enjoys hiring young nannies to take care of them.

ABC has added an additional half-hour to the series finale of Lost. Apparently, it’ll be a segment in which the cast of the show will apologize for wasting the audience’s time.

Senate Leader Harry Reid said the GOP is "making love to Wall Street." But if they are the ones making love, why is my butt the one that hurts?

Joe the Plumber won his election as a Republican committeeman in Ohio. He’ll do great; he is used to dealing with crap!

Since human hair absorbs oil, a Florida group is asking for hair donations so they can put it in stockings along the coast. They’ll have enough for the entire region if they get to convince Mo'Nique to shave her legs and donate the hair.

May 6th 2010

2010-05-06T10:19:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was 5 de Mayo! Ironically, 5 are the Mexicans left in Arizona.

The Pakistani man who tried to blow Times Square was arrested while he was sitting on a plane that was about to take off for Dubai. He suspected officials were after him, especially when the flight attendant offered him free drinks, a pillow and a blanket.

The plane boarded by the terrorist suspect took off several hours after his arrest. It wasn’t because of security concerns; the air line was trying to make a buck reselling his ticket.

The Pakistani man who tried to blow Times Square was arrested while he was sitting on a plane that was about to take off for Dubai. That’s the official version. The truth is he surrendered after he discovered the in-flight movie was The Back Up Plan.

Republicans are mad at the Obama administration for reading the Miranda rights to the terrorist suspect. Apparently, they don’t want not only Miranda rights, but Charlotte, Samantha and Carrie rights either.

NBC head Jeff Zucker says he may run for public office. He’ll do great as a politician; he’s proven he is a master at screwing people… Right, Jay? Right, Conan?

Texas Governor Rick Perry claimed on Monday that the oil rig explosion may have been "just an act of God". And today, Obama sent God the bill to pay for the oil clean up.

Texas Governor Rick Perry claimed on Monday that the oil rig explosion may have been "just an act of God". I know BP is powerful, but to call them God...

Comedian George Lopez got to see Sandra Bullock’s baby. I think the kid had a little bit of Jesse James in him, because he asked Lopez to show his papers.

Pamela Anderson set some pelicans free at a Malibu beach in support of PETA. That’s not the only positive thing she did for humanity yesterday; she also got eliminated from Dancing with the Stars.

William Shatner has made $600 million pitching for Priceline.com. He is not that happy, considering his wig gets 50 percent of everything.

Keanu Reeves and Charlize Theron were photographed hugging and kissing outside a restaurant in Beverly Hills. You know there’s true love. At least for Keanu… you know he can’t act that well…

Today is Chris Brown’s birthday. Unfortunately, his party won’t be the same now that he is not with Rhianna anymore… he won’t have a piñata.

Environmentalists believe that the oil spill in the Gulf Coast can really ruin the wildlife in the area. Not because the birds are going to die directly from exposure to oil, but because so many people will try to shoot them down and squeeze them into the tank of their cars.

Rush Limbaugh has said repeatedly on his show the environmentalist wackoes could be responsible for the oil spill in the Gulf Coast. I have my own conspiracy; I believe it is all the birds’ plan to steal as much as possible on their wings.

A teenager in Missouri helped his great-grandma to fulfill one of her items of her bucket list and took her to his prom. What he doesn’t know is that grandma also got to fulfill a second item on her bucket list that night: She had a threesome with two of his classmates.

The man who tried to blackmail David Letterman is going to prison for six months. And trust me, he’ll do anything he can to avoid “a” black male inside.

May 5th 2010

2010-05-05T18:38:00.001-07:00

Sorry I have been posting lately but I've been working hard at my real job. I'm writing jokes everyday though, just too lazy to post them... But I will start today...miss me? write me an e-mail at pedrobartes@hotmail.com
Enjoy

The FBI reported that the guy that tried to bomb Times Square used some sort of fertilizer. I guess it makes sense to use fertilizer when you are trying to plant a bomb.

A new study suggests that obese children are more likely to be bullied in school. You know what? All the fat kids in the class should get together and beat the crap out of that only skinny kid that is bothering them.

Country singer Chely Wright announced that she's gay. Apparently, she got tired of sharing the closet with Kenny Chesney.

The "National Enquirer" claims that President Obama had an affair with a young, former campaign aide. Oh… that’s why some Democrats were not that shocked when he was into drilling!

Florida state senator Mike Bennet was caught looking at pornographic material on his state-issued computer on the Senate floor. You have to understand the senator; sometimes, in order to screw people, you need some porn to get all worked out.

A growing number of churches are offering counseling to women who say that they are addicted to pornography. And there’s nothing better than a priest to understand that problem.

Surgeons removed 35 pounds from the breasts of a Peruvian woman who was trapped in her bed for six months because of her giant boobs. Apparently, the huge part of the boobs that was cut out from her announced later that it was running for congress.

Surgeons removed 35 pounds from the breasts of a Peruvian woman who was trapped in her bed for six months because of her giant boobs. Last time I heard of someone that oppressed by two giants boobs was the woman that works in Fox and Friends.

Surgeons removed 35 pounds from the breasts of a Peruvian woman who was trapped in her bed for six months because of her giant boobs. She is now a size 34B, and she immediately noticed the difference when she asked for water and everybody ignored her.

A set of golf clubs used by Tiger Woods is for sale on eBay with a starting bid of just a quarter of a million dollars. The clubs are certified; one of them contains Tiger’s DNA; the one Elin used to smack him on the face.

A set of golf clubs used by Tiger Woods is for sale on eBay with a starting bid of just a quarter of a million dollars. The set is not complete; one of the clubs is lost inside the Perkins Waitress.

A set of golf clubs used by Tiger Woods is for sale on eBay with a starting bid of just a quarter of a million dollars. And if you are a hot waitress, Tiger might throw in his balls for free.

An ice cream parlor near Massachusetts Institute of Technology will soon be "serving Internet-flavored ice cream". Don’t try it; I heard it tastes like Spam!

An ice cream parlor near Massachusetts Institute of Technology will soon be "serving Internet-flavored ice cream". It is not good business; people don’t pay; they just get full with the free samples.

An ice cream parlor near Massachusetts Institute of Technology will soon be "serving Internet-flavored ice cream". Don’t try the AOL one; it takes so long to be delivered, it melts before you get to eat it.

According to a study from the University of Valencia, beautiful women can be bad for your health because just five minutes alone with an attractive female raise the levels of the body’s stress hormone. I’m safe then; a hot woman won’t put up with me for more than 2 minutes after I use some of my usual pick up lines.

According to a study from the University of Valencia, beautiful women can raise the levels of the men body’s stress hormone. I guess this means hanging out with Susan Boyle is more relaxing than a massage.

April 25th 2010

2010-04-25T17:37:00.000-07:00

The Treasury Department unveiled the new $100 bill yesterday and posted a video on their website for the majority of Americans who will never get a chance to hold one.

The Treasury Department unveiled the new $100 bill yesterday. It was kind of embarrassing that during the ceremony Tim Geithner had to ask a Chinese guy to lend him one.

A former Little League coach to the sons of Larry King said he had sex with Larry’s wife in Larry’s own bed. Apparently, they would do it every time Larry got up to go to the bathroom to pee.

"Idol Gives Back" aired last night. Apparently, they gave a lot of back to Alicia Keys.

Kate Gosselin cried when she was eliminated from "Dancing with the Stars”. So did her kids, because without TV producers around, they don’t get food or water anymore.

Surveys show that it takes people around 18 months to recover from a divorce. Unless you're Larry King, because it takes him 18 seconds to marry someone new.

According to "Life & Style" magazine, Kate Gosseling hasn’t had sex in more than a year. And let’s be honest, the years she did it with her husband Jon don’t count either because she probably didn’t feel anything.

Three bisexual men are suing a national gay-athletic organization, because they were not allowed to participate during the Gay Softball World Series because they were not gay enough. Apparently, they were only willing to play pitcher and not catchers.

Three bisexual men are suing a national gay-athletic organization, because they were not allowed to participate during the Gay Softball World Series because they were not gay enough. Isn’t playing softball already gay enough?

A man in Oregon wants to pay for his cremation and urn costs before he dies and his plan is to sell advertising space on two urns that will hold his ashes. It is not unusual for companies to advertise with dead people; they do it with Larry King all the time.

Chief Justice John G. Roberts, Jr asked yesterday what the difference was “between email and a pager?” “Simple,” said the other members, “E-mail is the one we use to buy Viagra and the pager is the one we use to call our cocaine dealer.”

The president of France hand-delivered a letter to Barack Obama from Roman Polanski. The letter asks for leniency and the number of the little girl in the movie Kick Ass.

April 22nd 2010

2010-04-22T11:19:00.001-07:00

President Obama was heckled by gay people at a Democratic fundraiser in Los Angeles. The president was so mad, he ruined their night by telling them who the winner of Project Runway was.

Arizona senators passed a bill Monday that would require law enforcement officers to question anyone they believe might be in the country illegally. And today president Obama cancelled his trip to Arizona…

Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner says the U.S. economy is growing faster than expected. Yeah, and when it is all grown up, the economy is expected to pack all its belongings and move to China…

Bill Clinton says he does not want to be a Supreme Court justice. But then he blinked at the camera and said, But you Sotomayor, you can still text me…

A drunk Apple employee left the new prototype for an I-phone at a bar. Whoever found it sold it to a website that posted pictures of it for everybody to see. Apparently, the new I-phone doesn’t come with an app for stupidity.

A drunk Apple employee left the new prototype for an I-phone at a bar. Whoever found it sold it to a website that posted pictures of it for everybody to see. A drunk Microsoft employee also left a prototype for their new phone at the same bar, but whoever found it, threw it to the garbage.

A British woman has suddenly started speaking with a Chinese accent after suffering a severe migraine. I’m afraid my wife will start speaking with a Chinese accent soon, because every night before we go to bed she claims she’s got migraines.

Snooki of Jersey Shore said during an interview that she broke up with her boyfriend because he was just using her to get famous. And besides, 7 minutes 30 seconds of fame each is too little.

April is STD awareness month. But if you are dating any member of Jersey Shore, you should be aware every day.

Kelly Clarkson is causing controversy in Indonesia after her picture showed up on a billboard with the logo of a cigarette brand. Apparently, what’s even more controversial is the message... “If you quit smoking, you’ll get this fat!”

The Supreme Court struck down a U.S. law that bans videos depicting animal cruelty. So I guess it is ok for MTV to show again the clip where Snooki gets smacked at the bar, right?

According to a new survey, one in three women wants sex every day... I think I only dated the other two…

According to a new survey, half of all men say that dancing turns them on more than any other activity. No wonder Joe Gosselin broke up with Kate.

Miley Cyrus spent $3.4 million on a new multimillion-dollar home. And today her father, Billy Ray, asked her to borrow some money to change the shower curtain of his house.

April 20th 2010

2010-04-20T13:48:00.000-07:00

Researchers say that the volcano in Iceland could be erupting for more than a month. Experts believe that by that time reporters in America might be able to pronounce the name of the volcano correctly.

European airlines are asking governments to ease restriction on flying despite the danger of the volcanic cloud from Iceland. Only a drunk pilot would dare fly in such conditions! Oh, never mind…

A prominent Roman Catholic bishop in Mexico blamed eroticism on television for priests abusing children. The Vatican decided to take action and canceled their subscription to Disney Network.

Did you see the movie preview they started showing on Friday? The highly anticipated horror movie is back! “Nightmare on Wall Street!”

The Government is accusing Goldman Sachs of civil fraud. How ironic… Goldman Sachs asked for a bailout before; now they are just asking for bail.

An Australian publisher is reprinting 7,000 cookbooks after a recipe for pasta mistakenly advised to use "salt and freshly ground black people” instead of pepper. The correction now reads “Ground African-American people…”

An Australian publisher released cookbooks with a recipe for pasta with a misprint that advised to use "salt and freshly ground black people” instead of pepper. If you’re curious, you can still try the dish at the GOP convention.

According to a new survey, 80% of Americans don’t trust government. The other 20% didn’t answer because they didn’t even trust the survey guy…

Rush Limbaugh said on his show that the volcano eruption in Iceland happened because God was mad at Obama for passing the Health Care reform. Rush, what an ash!

According to a new study, going on a diet could increase your risk of developing potentially deadly conditions such as heart disease, diabetes and cancer. Well, at least you are going to be drop dead gorgeous.

According to a new study, going on a diet could increase your risk of developing potentially deadly conditions such as heart disease, diabetes and cancer. So Kirstey Alley will live forever…

Crystal Bowersox had to be talked out of quitting "American Idol". If they could do the same with every viewer that is quitting watching the show this season because it sucks…

Kim Kardashian said in an interview that she used to pray that her boobs wouldn't get any bigger. Luckily, God didn’t hear her when she prayed about her butt…

Studies show that the human brain isn't programmed to do three things at once. Unless, or course, you’re Tiger Woods or Jesse James…

On Saturday, the New York Mets beat the St. Louis Cardinals 2-1 on a game that lasted almost 7 hours! The game was so long that by the time it was over:
Larry King had divorced two new wives…

Joe Biden had delivered 3 speeches…

The Republicans had blocked 9 Obama bills….

5 new Jesse James’s mistresses had appeared…

Heidi Montag had had 20 more plastic surgeries…

April 16th 2010

2010-04-16T12:47:00.000-07:00

During an interview with CNN in Mexico, Michelle Obama told a reporter that Malia and Sasha can’t use computers, phones, or television during the week. If you thought that was tough, I heard Obama doesn’t let Biden watch TV either, not even on the weekends!

During an interview with CNN in Mexico, Michelle Obama told a reporter that Malia and Sasha can’t use computers, phones, or television during the week. Wait a minute; I thought Obama wanted to eradicate torture.

Lady Gaga says she’s celibate and not interested in sex. So it is confirmed; she is not a dude!

Churchgoers in Warr Acres, Oklahoma are outraged over a crucifix in a Catholic church that they say shows an image of genitalia on Jesus. I know Jesus was crucified, but I didn’t know he was also well-hung.

Churchgoers in Oklahoma are outraged over a crucifix in a Catholic church that they say shows an image of genitalia on Jesus. It makes sense; you have to have big cojones to get crucified for everybody.

Churchgoers in Oklahoma are outraged over a crucifix in a Catholic church that they say shows an image of genitalia on Jesus. And looking at the image we can also know now why Maria Magdalena would give him huge discounts…

CNN is suing a man for falsely identifying himself as a senior iReporter for CNN. His lawyer is planning to plead insanity, because who on earth would want to be a CNN reporter nowadays?

Larry King has filed for divorce from his 7th wife. Is it me or Larry is losing wives faster than CNN is losing viewers?

Larry King has filed for divorce from his 7th wife. The good thing for Larry is that this one won’t cost him anything on legal fees, because he had already filled the divorce-lawyer-punch card.

Larry King has filed for divorce from his 7th wife. Isn’t it time he hooked up with Elizabeth Taylor already?

CNN host Larry King and wife Shawn Southwick filed for divorce in California today, citing irreconcilable differences. Yeah 200 years difference between each other…

Larry King has filed for divorce from his 7th wife. It’s rumored that she’s had an affair with a little league coach… Not true… he wasn’t that little…

According to tabloids in England, a woman in Manchester that fell from her Wii Fit board is now a sex addict and gets aroused with the minimum vibration. Apparently, you have to have a really FIT Wii Wii in order to get a date with her now…

According to tabloids in England, a woman in Manchester that fell from her Wii Fit board is now a sex addict and gets aroused with the minimum vibration. Honey, I think I know what you are getting for our anniversary… a Wii Fit and some floor wax…

According to a new book, when times get tough, women start wearing high heels… and a lot of make-up, and short skirts and hit the streets to get money to pay the bills…

According to a news report Sarah Palin has made $12 million since July. Todd, has made the beds, made breakfasts and made some trips to the store to get food.

Nadya Suleman will be on “Oprah” next week. Oprah we’ll probably start screaming to her studio audience: “you got a baby, and you got a baby, and you got a baby…” all the Octomom’s kids…

April 15th 2010

2010-04-15T04:54:00.000-07:00

Music director Rickey Minor will replace Kevin Eubanks as the band leader of the Tonight Show. Right after it was confirmed that a Minor was going to be with Jay Leno, lots of priests approached the producer to be booked in the show.

Kevin Eubanks' revealed that he is leaving "The Tonight Show". It was weird; you would have expected Kevin to wait a little and make such an important announcement on 4/20.

A new study from the University of Wisconsin has found that using Botox makes it harder to make friends, because people with Botox can’t show emotions. That’s why even Pelosis’s imaginary friends don’t like her.

Hugh Hefner celebrated his 84th birthday in Vegas over the weekend. I don’t want to say Hugh is getting old, but even the candles on the cake needed some Viagra to stay up.

Susan Boyle was seen yelling obscenities at her personal assistant when she was informed that her flight would be delayed. And if you thought she was mad, you should have heard the obscenities that came for the poor airport screener that had to body-scan Susan Boyle.

Eliot Spitzer says he plans to return to politics. His campaign manager is already preparing an ad where you can hear Spitzer’s dad in the background questioning some of his decisions.

A man jumped from the 42nd floor of the Manhattan hotel where the Los Angeles Angels' were staying. So many professional players and nobody could catch him?

A man jumped from the 42nd floor of the Manhattan hotel where the Los Angeles Angels' were staying. Apparently, he was dying to play with the angels!

A contract found in a dumpster at Cal State Stanislaus shows that Sarah Palin demands that the questions for the Q&A are to be collected from the audience way in advance. It is not unreasonable; you know how long it takes Sarah to write the answers on her palm.

A man in Orange County caught a 4-year-old boy who fell 30 feet from an escalator. It wasn’t easy for the guy; he had to fight off several priests that were waiting there to catch the kid as well.

Cops in Japan hid in a closet for 18 hours to catch a thief who stole $9.60. I wonder who’s been robbing Ryan Seacrest’s house for him to keep waiting inside a closet for years.

Cops in Japan hid in a closet for 18 hours to catch a thief who stole $9.60. When they come out they were all holding hands and singing Broadway tunes.

Yankees player Chan Ho Park admitted that his bad performance during the season opener was because he had an upset stomach. Weird, he was the one with diarrhea but the other team got all the runnings.

Yankees player Chan Ho Park admitted he had diarrhea during his season opener game. Now you understand why he had such a crappy performance.

Pamela Anderson seems to be in financial trouble after it was known she has failed to pay almost $500,000 in personal income tax. You see, that’s the problem most Americans have when they abuse plastic.

A Japanese company is selling a device that covers up the sound of your bodily functions in the bathroom by playing a loud noise similar to running water. It has different levels. Like if you are Kirstey Alley you can use the one called “Niagara Falls…”

The Dow industrials closed above 11,000 for the first time in 18 months. But it is because with all the unemployment Monsterjobs.com went up like 1,000 points.

The National Enquirer didn't win a Pulitzer for its reporting on John Edwards ' baby mama drama. The editors say they were not mad about it, but I can’t wait to read the next edition when they reveal the scandalous sexual affairs of Mr. Pulitzer.

April 12th 2010

2010-04-12T18:05:00.000-07:00

NBC President Jeff Zucker turned 45 Friday. He celebrated his birthday in a very small gathering, inviting all the NBC viewers.

President Obama signed a nuke treaty with Russia. Everybody is downgrading the importance of this treaty because Biden didn’t say it was a big effing deal

Mexican police arrested a former producer of the "Survivor" television series on Thursday on suspicion of murdering his wife. Apparently, he voted her off the Earth.

The new Nike ad in which Earl Woods' voice talks to Tiger while he stands there silently is getting great reviews. And today Jesse James and Charlie Sheen were both seen with tape recorders chasing their parents to record messages for future commercials

Nike released a new ad in which Earl Woods' voice talks to Tiger and asks him some deep questions, like: Why would you have sex with the Perkin’s waitress?

A player of the San Francisco Giants wore a misspelled jersey Wednesday. Most of the Washington National players, would love to wear a misspelled jersey too; one that reads New York Yankees!

U.S. troops are blasting deafening levels of Metallica into areas where insurgents are hiding. It is a great way to get the insurgents out, especially when they leave their hiding places to complain that Metallica is so 90’s.

United Airlines and US Airways may merge. Apparently, they can’t wait to combine their efficiency to lose your bags together.

Prince Charles' wife, Camilla, broke her leg hiking in Scotland. Don’t worry; the vet said she’ll back and running in a month.

Camilla Parker Bowles broke her leg while hiking in Scotland on Wednesday. Don’t worry, Prince Charles is fine, he wasn’t riding her.

Bristol Palin can be seen in a new PSA about abstinence. I can’t wait for the Amy Winehouse one about drug abuse.

After nearly a year of tough negotiations, US President Barack Obama and his Russian counterpart signed a treaty to get rid of nuclear arms. Republicans are willing to support the treaty as long as we dump those bombs in Iran.

The US navy announced on Thursday that smoking on US navy submarines will be banned. We just let women into submarines; what are we going to do now after having sex with them?

The US navy announced on Thursday that smoking on US navy submarines will be banned. Not totally, apparently they will let marines smoke 15 feet away from the submarine.

Jon Gosselin is suing Kate for primary custody of their eight children. But if you ask the kids they would probably admit they’d rather stay with the only ones that feed them and give them water: TV producers.

April 8th

2010-04-08T12:51:00.000-07:00

Sorry I forgot to post these ones a couple of days ago... I got more soon

President Obama threw out the first pitch for the nationals yesterday. Judging by the quality of the pitch, Michelle didn’t only hide eggs for the egg hunt, she might also hidden some baseballs, the ones Obama needed for practice.

British tabloids say that Tiger Woods will have up to 90 bodyguards when he plays in Augusta. It is not for him; actually, they are there to protect waitresses from Tiger.

Rumors are Tiger Woods is focused on the game, but still concerned he might fall off the wagon… and on top of a hot waitress.

If you heard a loud thud in California yesterday, don’t panic; it wasn’t an Earthquake; it was Charlie Sheen falling off the wagon.

Cox cable is broadcasting the Master in 3-D. It is a great chance to experience what Tiger’s mistresses have… Tiger’s balls coming at you.

A group that supports Marijuana in Nevada has offered Sarah Palin $25,000 to speak at one of their upcoming events. You have to be high if you think Palin will accept only $25,000 to attend an event.

Heidi Montag’s plastic surgery transformation was caught on tape and may air on a future reality show. The tentative name… “Young Frankenstein.”

According to a new survey, only one in five college students thinks oral sex counts as "sex". Who says Bill Clinton didn’t leave a legacy?

Producers are working on a porno version of "The Golden Girls”. Please tell me there wasn’t another guy on Facebook asking people to join a club so Betty White does the “opening” for this movie?

After yesterday's space shuttle launch, four women are now in space at the same time for the first time ever. If we were going to send 4 women, why didn’t we send the members of The View? They sometimes seem to live in space.

A new study has found that people with body piercings are more likely to drink and use drugs. Duh… how do you think they got their body piercings in the first place?

A new study has found that people with body piercings are more likely to smoke, drink, use drugs and have sex with Jesse James…

People that watched the press conference noticed that Tiger Woods has dropped some weight. Apparently, since the sex scandal broke out, his wife controls that he doesn’t visit any places with waitresses.

Inmates in Arizona are forced to pedal a stationary bike to generate the electricity to watch TV. Apparently, some of them collapsed during the Oscar ceremony trying to pedal until the end of the show.

April 6th 2010

2010-04-06T04:56:00.000-07:00

The president of the Boy Scouts council for the Portland, Ore. area has testified that parents of some Scouts were negligent for allowing sleepovers that led to sex abuse. Some fathers agree: Father O' Hara, Father O' Malley, Father…

President Obama celebrated Easter at the White House. This year the egg hunt was tough for the kids because Michelle hid the eggs in a very secret place… the same place where they hide Vice president Biden.

More than 14,500 eggs were boiled for the Easter Egg Hunt at the White House. And today Glenn Beck has an exclusive interview with some of the chickens that laid the eggs to accuse Obama of murder.

The Republican National Committee listed a phone sex hotline number on a fundraising letter. At least donors got to spend their donations on porn before the committee did.

Tiger Woods has his first public practice Saturday. He showed lack of concentration and a poor game overall. You can’t blame him; since rehab, he has not seen a single hole.

MSNBC celebrated Easter this Sunday, a day that remembers that Jesus resurrected to save our souls, to become president and pass the Health Care bill.

The White House confirmed Friday that Obama checked the box that says black in the census. Give us a break with the breaking news; first Ricky Martin is gay, and now this?

The White House confirmed Friday that Obama checked the box that says black in the census. I wonder now if Obama will have any chances to run in 2012.

Obama threw the ceremonial first pitch today for the Washington Nationals. He is like the ambidextrous pitcher the Yankees have, he’s always pitched left, but the drilling offshore idea proves he can also pitch right.

Jennifer Aniston has named her new fragrance "Lola V". So now you know; if you want your dates to fail, just spray some of that on you.

A great grandfather has become Britain's oldest-known new father at the age of 76. He is so lucky; he is going to save a lot of money in diapers because he can share his with the baby.

According to a new study, clever women drink more alcohol. You would too if you were smart and you trying to have a conversation with dumb guys.

According to a new study, clever women drink more alcohol. The study was done by a bunch of guys that wanted women to get drunk so that they could get laid…

A Turkish pop singer set a new land speed record for blind people by driving his Ferrari 182 miles per hour. When he finished he was excited but tired, not as tired as his eye-seeing dog that had to run next to the car.

British tabloids say that Tiger Woods will have up to 90 bodyguards because he is concerned some of his mistresses might show up and do a scene. Why would he hire 90? If he wants to keep the mistresses entertained he just needs to hire Jesse James.

Jon Gosselin had a birthday on Thursday. If you didn’t buy him a present yet, you can’t go wrong with some ExtenZe pills.

During halftime of the Michigan State-Butler basketball game on Saturday, President Obama played H.O.R.S.E against former NBA player Clark Kellogg. Actually, they didn’t play HORSE; when you play with Obama, you play UNICORN!

Cleveland Browns’ defensive tackle Shaun Rogers was arrested after he allegedly took a loaded gun into an Ohio airport. On his defense, he needed to be protected because he was on his way to meet Gilbert Arenas.

Nicole Richie has developed a line of handbags. They are very practical. If you are her size you can use them as sleeping bags too.

Over 1,300 people submitted photos of their backsides for a contest American Apparel held online to find the "Best Bottom in the World." I think last time I saw so many asses together was for the annual picture of congress.

April 1st 2010

2010-04-01T17:54:00.000-07:00

President Barack Obama will throw out the ceremonial first pitch next Monday for the Washington Nationals. He fits perfectly in baseball, because like most of the MLB players, he wasn’t born in this country.

President Barack Obama will throw out the ceremonial first pitch next Monday for the Washington Nationals. He’s been practicing a lot; he throws the ball and Biden fetches it back…

Everybody is talking about Pat Venditte, a New York Yankees player that can pitch with both arms. What’s the big deal? The Washington Nationals have players that can pitch with neither and they are not bragging…

Rumors are Democrats would love to get their hands on pictures of any of the members of the Republican National Committee at the bondage club in West Hollywood. Not every Democrat; Bill is begging those pictures never show up, because he was there as well.

The Republican National Committee spent $2,000 at a bondage-themed nightclub featuring topless female dancers imitating lesbian sex. Don’t get too excited; the lesbians were Cheney’s daughter and her girlfriend.

A guest host for the Glenn Beck show said on his radio show that tanning tax makes the health care bill "racist" because "dark-skinned people" don't use tanning salons. To make it fair for white people, he is asking Democrats to raise the price of large condoms.

A new study by the German Institute of Human Nutrition has found that eating chocolate every day lowers your risk of heart attack and stroke by 40%. You’ll need a healthy heart, especially because it’ll be broken many times by guys that don’t like fat women.

A new study by the German Institute of Human Nutrition has found that eating chocolate every day lowers your risk of heart attack and stroke by 40%. And today Cheney’s friends removed bonbons from the list of possible presents for his next birthday.

Lindsay Lohan released a new single called Stuck. Apparently, she got inspired by her career.

Al Gore celebrated his birthday yesterday. Don’t let him fool you, the numerous candles were not because he cares about global warming and doesn't want to use electricity, he’s really turning 62.

According to a professor of Public Health at the University of Sydney, cigarettes may contain traces of pig's blood. No wonder after you quit smoking you eat a lot. You miss the bacon!

A man, who has become Britain's oldest dad at 74 after his wife gave birth to a son, says that his passion for bananas keeps him virile. Apparently, the secret is that his wife is an expert at peeling it.

According to a new study, drinking beer could help women fight obesity. Unfortunately, you usually end up losing the fight.

According to a new study, drinking beer could help women fight obesity. Actually, drinking beer gives some women the courage to fight the fat guy who is bothering them at the bar.

CNN listed the top ways to keep your child from being bullied. Unfortunately, the number one reason for your kid being bullied is watching CNN.

A newborn baby in Texas was denied insurance coverage due to a pre-existing condition. The pre-existing condition? He was Mexican.

53 cars were towed from a University of Central Florida parking lot while their owners were enjoying a Glenn Beck show. It was obviously something about Beck’s fans because they towed only the cars with the “I hate Obama” bumper stickers.

March 31st 2010

2010-03-31T13:38:00.000-07:00

The Republican National Committee spent $2,000 at a bondage-themed nightclub featuring topless female dancers imitating lesbian sex. Don’t get too excited; the lesbians were Cheney’s daughter and her girlfriend.

The Republican National Committee spent $2,000 at a bondage-themed nightclub featuring topless female dancers imitating lesbian sex. Apparently, they were doing research on gay marriage.

Fox cancelled “24.” Like Kiefer Sutherland needed a reason to drink…

Ricky Martin announced that he's gay. In other shocking news, Amy Winehouse announced she has a drug problem and John Edwards confessed he is a cheater.

Ricky Martin announced that he's gay. Wow! I haven’t been this shocked since Adam Lambert admitted he was gay.

Ricky Martin announced that he's gay. Apparently, the closet was getting too crowded with Anderson Cooper and Ryan Seacrest inside.

Ricky Martin announced that he's gay. Ok, Ryan Seacrest, your turn!

Two schools for the blind in Boston competed against one another in a fencing match. The score? The ref and two in the audience rushed to the hospital.

Heather Mills’ nanny is suing her for unfair dismissal and sex discrimination. Heather couldn’t believe it; she was stumped when she heard the news!

J.D. Shapiro, the original screenwriter for "Battlefield Earth", has written an apology for the film in "The New York Post". And today, most movie critics gave it two thumbs down.

J.D. Shapiro, the original screenwriter for "Battlefield Earth", has written an apology for the film in "The New York Post". And like the movie, nobody saw it because nobody reads the paper anymore.

Sandra Bullock's rep says that the actress has no plans to adopt any of Jesse James's children. Apparently, none of the kids is good at playing football.

People magazine says that tiger is trying to convince Elin to attend the masters in Augusta, Georgia next week. Apparently, Tiger is convinced nobody handles the clubs like Elin does.

According to AOL's PopEater.com, new organizations have already pre-written Lindsay Lohan's obituary. They are using the same obituary they have used several years ago for Lindsay’s acting career.

March 30th 2010

2010-03-30T07:07:00.000-07:00

President Obama made a surprise stop in Afghanistan yesterday. Apparently, with all the death threats and violence going on in the country after the health care bill passed, the president feels safer there.

President Obama made a surprise stop in Afghanistan yesterday. Apparently, the president wanted to visit the troops and also find a place where he can finally smoke a cigarette without being bothered by his wife or the press.

All of Jesse James' mistresses claim to have incriminating text messages from him. Apparently, Jesse James had the same cell phone plan Tiger had…

The Earth went dark for an hour Saturday night. A chance for both Tiger and Jesse James to go back to their old businesses without being caught by wives or papparazies…

Fox cancelled the show 24. Now, if you want to get your weekly dose of torture, you’ll have to watch The View.

Fox cancelled the show 24. First, the Health Care Bill, and now this? Republicans can’t catch a break!

The first male prostitute working at the Shady Lady Ranch quit because he wasn’t getting enough clients. Of course… with Tiger and now Jesse James out there, what woman would pay for sex?

Hacker Albert Gonzalez, who participated in a cybercrime ring that stole tens of millions of credit and debit card numbers, was sentenced Friday to 20 years in prison. He was heard saying that he hoped his cellmate had a floppy disk instead of a hard drive.

Hacker Albert Gonzalez, who participated in a cybercrime ring that stole tens of millions of credit and debit card numbers, was sentenced Friday to 20 years in prison. I know it sounds lame, but he probably hopes his cell has “windows.”

The White House announced that President Barack Obama and Russian President Dmitry Medvedev will sign a nuclear-arms reduction treaty on April 8 in Prague. The only bombs left that day will be all dropped by Biden when they sign the new treaty.

J.D. Shapiro, the screenwriter of movie Battlefield Earth, which is considered the worst movie of the decade, wrote a formal apology to all its viewers. Ok director of the movie Gigli, the ball is in your court.

A man was busted in Florida with 1,000 prescription pills hidden in his underpants. Apparently, the passing of the new Health Care bill really affected Rush.

A man was busted in Florida with 1,000 prescription pills hidden in his underpants. Cops were shocked they didn’t find any crack!

A man was busted in Florida with 1,000 prescription pills hidden in his underpants. Not to be confused with Rush; he is another ass with tons of prescription pills.

The new police chief from a small town in Washington proposed an ordinance that would fine $50 to residents that swear. He expects to raise a lot of money because he immediately extended an invitation to Joe Biden to spend a weekend there.

The movie Hot Tub Time Machine opened in theaters this weekend. I saw a lot of Republicans on Saturday getting in their Jacuzzis hoping they could go back to the day before the Health Care bill was passed.

March 29th 2010

2010-03-29T12:30:00.000-07:00

Today is Nancy Pelosi’s 70th birthday. She received lots of flowers, birthday cards and a bunch of dead threats.

Today is Nancy Pelosi’s 70th birthday. She is probably going to get some botox today; she can’t afford to look her age, at 70 she already qualifies for the death panels.

Today is Nancy Pelosi’s birthday. She is turning 70…. her face just 17…..

According to a study by researchers at Wayne State University in Michigan, the bigger your smile the longer you'll live. Republicans are screwed, because I haven’t seen a single one smiling after we passed the Health Care reform on Sunday.

President Obama walked in a bookstore in Iowa and spent $37 on kids' books. He bought some children books for his daughters, Robert Gibbs’ son and Joe Biden.

Congress approved a package of final changes to the healthcare reform on Thursday, and it now goes to Obama to sign. It might take a couple of days though; security has to be sure every microphone is shut so nobody can hear Biden cursing again.

Former "American Idol" contestant Sanjaya Malakar was fined in Washington for driving 110-miles-per-hour. Apparently he was driving fast to try to enjoy his last seconds of his 15 minutes of fame.

Former "American Idol" contestant Sanjaya Malakar was fined in Washington for driving 110-miles-per-hour. But the worst part was when the officer that pulled him over told him that his performance was pitchy and all over the place

Former "American Idol" contestant Sanjaya Malakar was fined in Washington for driving 110-miles-per-hour. You think his family was mad? What about the owner of the car that he was valet parking?

Former "American Idol" contestant Sanjaya Malakar was fined in Washington for driving 110-miles-per-hour. He couldn’t help it, he was driving a Toyota.

Robert Finch, a co-founder of KC and the Sunshine Band was arrested was arrested for having sex with teenage boys. Apparently he did it because, "that's the way, uh huh uh huh, he likes it."

Robert Finch, a co-founder of KC and the Sunshine Band was arrested was arrested for having sex with teenage boys. He’d better get ready because in jail he will have to shake that booty, shake that booty!

Tiger Woods shot a new Nike commercial in his Florida neighborhood yesterday. Apparently he used a new slogan: "Think twice before you just do it!"

Some tabloids magazines are reporting that Elin, Tiger’s wife, might be pregnant. Wouldn’t it be ironic if after she delivers the baby, the baby looks like Jesse James?

Osama Bin Laden released a new tape yesterday. In this one he threatens Americans and also said that Jesse James is in ass.

According to a study by the Nielsen Company last month, 28% of people look at porno at work. The rest are unemployed.

March 26th 2010

2010-03-26T18:32:00.000-07:00

Senate Republicans, still mad over the passage of the health care reform, are now refusing to work past 2 p.m. Well, if they continue with this kind of behavior, they won’t need to worry at all about working, especially after November.

Senate Republicans, still mad over the passage of the health care reform, are now refusing to work past 2 p.m. It is not like you are going to notice a big difference, right?

Senate Republicans, still mad over the passage of the health care reform, are now refusing to work past 2 p.m.. Apparently, McCain wants to catch the early bird especial at the Old Country Buffet.

According to a website, the most well-endowed city in America is New Orleans. Wow! That’s impressive, considering their junks shrunk after spending some much time under water.

According to a website, the second most well-endowed city in America is Washington DC. That’s scary, especially because we get screwed by them all the time.

Paula Abdul might be getting a show on NBC. It’s weird; I always thought Celebrity Rehab was on cable.

March Madness was responsible for a ratings spike for NBC. Cable also got huge ratings with March madness… when they showed some of the Tea Party members marching on Washington DC.

Democrats say the health care bill will create 2.5 million jobs, mostly people hired to do security and protect the Democrats that voted for this bill.

Video surfaced of George W. Bush wiping his hand on Bill Clinton's shirt after shaking hands with people in Haiti. Bush is lucky Haitians lost almost everything on the earthquake… including their shoes.

A man named Patrick Molesti was arrested in Georgia for trying to a buy a 5-year-old kid over the internet. I just hope he gets to share his cell with John Buttsurfer and Jack Rapi-Rapi.

A Chinese boy with 31 fingers and toes had surgery yesterday to remove the extra digits. He was immediately contacted by Republicans to see if they could get those extra fingers to give them to the Democrats that passed the Health Care bill.

A Chinese boy with 31 fingers and toes had surgery yesterday to remove the extra digits. He was really happy, not as happy as his friends who are now going to have chances against him at playing Guitar Hero.

The Adult entertainment company Vivid is offering Octomom money to avoid the foreclosure of her home if she agrees to make a pornographic movie. It is bad porn; all the money shots are inside a tube.

The Adult entertainment company Vivid is offering Octomom money to avoid the foreclosure of her home if she agrees to make a pornographic movie. She actually offered to do it for free, as long as they let her take all the samples she wants.

The Adult entertainment company Vivid is offering Octomom money to avoid the foreclosure of her home if she agrees to make a pornographic movie. Apparently, they want 8 people inside of her again.

According to a recent report, more doctors and psychiatrists are using skype to see their patients. Actually, after the Health Care plan passed they will use Chatroulette; patients we’ll be lucky if they get a real doctor.

According to a new study, 48% of women admitted feeling embarrassed about talking about their sex lives. The other 52% had sex with Tiger Woods.

Taylor Swift said she might hug her fans that created a website site called: AhugFromTaylorSwift.com. I wonder if those who created the website called ASmartThoughtFromPresidentBush.com will have the same luck.

The Octomom could be losing her southern California home to foreclosure. Americans would be willing to donate money and help her as long as she forecloses her privates.

March 25th 2010

2010-03-25T13:09:00.000-07:00

Vice president Joe Biden dropped the F bomb on national TV during the signing of the Health Care Bill. It was all part of the plan to finance Health Care, especially with all the money the FCC is going to get from the networks that aired the swear word.

Vice president Joe Biden dropped the F bomb on national TV during the signing of the Health Care Bill. You know what? I’d rather have a vice president that drops F bombs than one that drops real ones like the one we had before.

During the signing of the Health Care Bill yesterday, president Obama used different pens for every letter of his name to give as souvenirs to important people. As a nice gesture, he gave all the pens he used to write Hussein to Rush Limbaugh, Glen Beck, Fox News and the Tea Party…

President Obama used 20 pens to sign the Health Care bill as a way to pay thanks to those allies who helped him push the law through. Actually, it was only 19; the other one he just used it to stab Biden after he used the F word.

Democrats promised the creation of 2.5 million jobs after passing the Health Care bill. They were right; most of the jobs will go to lawyers trying to sue them for passing the Health Care bill.

As part of some changes the Health Care bill brought, indoor tanning salons will charge customers a 10 percent tax beginning today. Now you understand why Mitt Romney was so mad on Sunday when Democrats passed the bill.

The CW is launching a reality show about flight attendants called “Fly Girls”. The pilots also have their own show; they can all be seen in “Intervention.”

The CW is launching a reality show about flight attendants called “Fly Girls”. Maybe, for once, everybody should ignore them and not watch it, like they do to us when we are on the plane.

A new report by the Center for American Progress says it will cost $285 billion to find, apprehend, detain, and return the almost 11 million illegal immigrants in the U.S. Maybe if we hire some illegal immigrants to do that job, we can save some money.

A new report by the Center for American Progress says it will cost $285 billion if we send back all the illegal immigrants. And the number doubles if we have to start hiring our own kids to mow our lawns.

Lindsay Lohan complained on twitter because she was forced to wait in line at a West Hollywood club. And we all know how much she hates to wait for a line!

According to a new poll, 24% of Republicans think President Obama "may be the antichrist." Which is fair, because the same number of Democrats think he is Jesus.

Starbucks offered a free pastry to customers yesterday. It was a nice deal until I realized I had to pay $5 for regular coffee.

A new study found that people who use green products are more likely to cheat than those who do not. Oh, that’s why I saw Tiger Woods buying energy-saving light bulbs at Wal-Mart.

The BBC posted a video of President Bush wiping his hands on Bill Clinton’s shirt after shaking hands with some locals in Haiti. Unfortunately for Bush, he caught herpes after touching that shirt.

The BBC posted a video of President Bush wiping his hands on Bill Clinton’s shirt after shaking hands with some locals in Haiti. What you can’t see in the clip is that most Haitians touched their pockets after greeting Bush to see if they had some money left.

The NFL approved a new overtime rule for the 2011 playoffs. 24 owners voted in favor of the proposal. 4 voted against, like the Cleveland Brown owner, because he doesn’t know what playoffs are.

March 24th 2010

2010-03-24T12:38:00.000-07:00

The House of Representatives passed the healthcare reform bill on Sunday. Democrats clarified repeatedly to the media that the death panels don’t exist and that old people should feel safe. And to make them feel even better, Obama will give every senior citizen a new Toyota.

John McCain said yesterday that after the vote for the Health Care reform bill, Republicans won’t cooperate with Democrats anymore. When did the GOP cooperate? He’s lucky because people with pre-existing conditions will no longer be able to be denied health insurance, so even with Alzheimer’s he’ll get some coverage.

A woman in North Carolina got $9 million after suing her former husband’s mistress for "alienation of affection,” Wow! If Elin gets the same for every mistress Tiger had, she could be richer than Bill Gates.

If you thought Rush Limbaugh was mad that Democrats passed the Health Care Reform bill, imagine how Costa Ricans feel now that he might move there!

There’s a woman that has a bizarre sexual phobia that prevents her from having sex indoors. She is lucky, with all the foreclosure; she won’t have any problem finding guys willing to have sex on the streets.

The Costa Rican government is working on a health care bill of their own, as they are due to put on over 300 pounds of unwanted fat.

Pat Robertson turned 80 yesterday. He looks great; he must have a pact with the devil or something…

Half of New York State voters support medical marijuana. The other half was too high to answer the question.

Police in New York on Monday said it appears a March 9 crash of a Toyota Motor Corp Prius was a case of driver error. Her mistake? Buying a Toyota.

According to new investigations, Michael Jackson's doctor halted CPR on the dying pop star and delayed calling paramedics so he could collect drug vials at the scene. There were so many drugs that police suspect Jackson had died 5 years ago.

The US government is planning on investing money to attract more tourists to visit the country. You don’t need to spend a dime, said the Mexican government, we can send you millions of tourists that will visit the US and stay…

Former Bush White House Press Secretary Ari Fleischer is not working with Tiger Woods anymore. Apparently, Tiger didn’t like the suggestion of hanging a Mission Accomplished banner on every waitress he had sex with.

According to a new study, earning more money only makes people happier if they feel richer than their friends, neighbors and colleagues. Considering what I make, I may be making so many of my friends and family members the happiest people on Earth.

March 23rd 2010

2010-03-23T18:08:00.001-07:00

During an interview with ESPN, Tiger Woods said he expects to get a few claps when he plays in the Masters. Apparently, he was talking about the kind of claps he is going to get from some of the waitresses in Augusta.

During an interview with ESPN, Tiger Woods said he’s done very ugly things. Actually, only one, the pancake waitress at Perkins in Orlando.

During an interview with ESPN, Tiger Woods said he hurt a lot of people. I know some of his mistresses have said you are well endowed, but come on Tiger, I think you’re exaggerating a little.

PGA officials said that fans will receive Tiger at the Masters with open arms… and waitresses with open legs.

The House of Representatives passed the healthcare reform bill last night. It gives unemployed people the chance to have health care. Now you understand why Democrats were fighting so much for it, because most of them will be unemployed after the elections in November.

The House of Representatives passed the healthcare reform bill last night. All Democrats fought really hard for it, mostly because they are hoping Rush Limbaugh makes his promise good and leaves the country.

Scientists at the Hebrew University of Jerusalem have created "super-sexed" sterilized male leafhoppers to have sex with female bugs and avoid the birth of more bugs. If this system works, the scientist will try it on humans like Octomom and Kate Gosselin.

Scientists at the Hebrew University of Jerusalem have created "super-sexed" sterilized male leafhoppers to have sex with female bugs to avoid the birth of more bugs. They call the male leafhoppers “Tiger”!

Police in New Jersey arrested a 16-year-old boy for using the intercom to tell "all blacks" to leave a Wal-Mart store. The kid was mad not only because he went to jail but also because he missed the chance to scream the same the next day at a Tea Party rally in Washington DC.

An L.A. sushi restaurant that was charged with serving endangered whale meat is closing. If we’re going to start shutting down everyplace that serves whales in America we have to close every fast food restaurant.

According to a new report, the number of plastic surgeries in the U.S. is in decline. Apparently, women in Hollywood figured now that no matter what they look like their husbands will still cheat on them.

Universal is planning to lower CD prices to $10. And that’s still $10 more than what people pay for music nowadays.

Democrats passed the Health Care reform Bill Sunday. To celebrate I got wasted and drove home drunk feeling safe knowing that we all have health care.

There’s a new 10% tax on indoor tanning services. That’s going to make some of the members of Jersey Shore go pale!

A middle school in Oregon banned hugs among students because some of the girls were using them to get the boys aroused. Now the students can continue to use the hugs, but only with their teachers.

Friday was the seventh anniversary of the Iraq invasion. Dick Cheney threw a party and for a moment he was very happy because at least he could blow something, the candles.

The director of the Disney movie “Pirates of the Caribbean” film said producers won’t hire actresses with breast implants. Who’s the lucky guy that gets the job of checking?

Tons of jokes for March 19th!

2010-03-19T17:15:00.000-07:00

Most people in Congress wore something green today. Apparently they were afraid Massa would be around there and ready to pinch them.

Rush Limbaugh bragged yesterday about shutting down the Capitol switchboard with anti- health care reform calls after he rallied his listeners to do it. To be fair, Rush got the help of millions of people in Costa Rice who also called against the bill because they don’t want Rush to move there.

President Obama sat down with Fox News today because Saint Patrick’s Day is the perfect day for a beer summit.

MTV wants the "Jersey Shore" cast to avoid alcohol during their hiatus. MTV should at least let their friends have some drinks, how else on earth is Snooki is going to have sex if everybody is sober?

Some guy in Florida who is claiming to be a vampire says he's running for president in 2012. It’ll be quite difficult to distinguish him among the other politicians because they all suck.

A man out jogging on a beach in South Carolina was hit and killed by an airplane making an emergency landing. Now do you understand while I rather stay home eating pizza than exercising?

Californians felt a magnitude 4.4 earthquake at 4:00 A.M. Finally some movement in Jennifer Aniston’s bed.

President Obama sat down with Fox News to try to convince conservatives of the importance of the Health Care reform. It was a smart move because seeing Obama there made most of Fox New’s viewers sick.

A new study suggests that men with heart problems may have double the risk of death if they also suffer from erectile dysfunction. Especially the day they get an erection because that could kill them out of excitement.

According to a survey women had an average of 5.65 different sexual partners by the time they were 24. The .65 is because they had sex with Jon Gosselin, which barely count as one.

According to a survey by the time they are 24 women nowadays have more sex that those women that were 24 in the 60’s. That’s why my grandma has sex with half the retiring home; she is trying to catch up.

A company is selling now a Tiger Woods blow-up doll. I mean for most people it is a blow-uo doll, for Tiger’s wife Elin, it is a punching bag.

John McCain asked Sarah Palin to campaign with him in Arizona next week after the polls show he might have troubles keeping his senate seat. McCain’s Alzheimer’s is kicking it. Doesn’t he remember what happened last time Palin helped him the last elections?

Republican candidate for the Senate J.D. Hayworth said yesterday that if the Massachusetts Supreme Court defined marriage as 'the establishment of intimacy,' that would mean if you really had affection for your horse, you could marry it. He might be onto something because it is obvious his wife married an ass!

A New Jersey woman who already weighs 600 Lbs is on a mission to gain 400lbs more to become the fattest woman in the world. She already hired two trainers to help her in her quest: Kirstie Alley and Michael Moore.

A New Jersey woman who already weighs 600 Lbs is on a mission to gain 400lbs more to become the fattest woman in the world. She is eating 12,000 calories a day, or 2 big Macs.

A New Jersey woman who already weighs 600 Lbs is on a mission to gain 400lbs more to have a run at the fattest woman in the world title. Actually, more than a run, a very slow walk.

Things are getting really tense among the congressional Democrats because they can’t get the number of votes to pass the Health Care Bill. What makes it even worse, they don’t have Massa anymore to massage them.

The movie “Hot Tub Time Machine” is coming to theaters soon. Apparently, the movie is about a politician in Utah that uses the hot tub to go back in time to ask his 15-year-old date to please put some clothes on.

A blind British soldier is using a device on his tongue that allows him to see. I can imagine his wife getting quite upset if he catches him checking other women’s butts.

A blind British soldier is using a device on his tongue that allows him to see. Last time he had a Taco Bell, he saw a rat.

Flavor Flav turns 51 today. Unfortunately, he had to cancel his party because he hasn’t finished setting all his clocks ahead for daylight saving yet.

An insurance executive who secretly shot nude videos of ESPN reporter Erin Andrews has been sentenced to 2½ years in prison. He is really a sports fan. Unfortunately, the kind of package he’ll see behind bars will have nothing to do with sports.

The shortest man on earth died at 21. How unfortunate; he expected to grow to be 24... inches...

The shortest man on earth died at 21. So young, he wanted to accomplish so many things in life, but he came up a little short.

The shortest man on earth died at 21. You know what they say: Life is too short.

The Obama administration is considering helping airlines meet the cost of modernizing the air-traffic control system. The first part of the plan is to replace all traffic controllers with 10-year-old kids.

Toyota dismissed the story of a man who claimed his Prius sped out of control on the California freeway and called it a hoax. When reporters asked the man in question he apologized and said that “he did it for the show.”

Rielle Hunter is very upset with the racy photos of her that showed up in the new issue of GQ magazine and said they were quite tacky. Rielle, you shot a porno movie with a married man while you were pregnant and you call a couple of semi-nude pictures tacky?

According to a new study from a group called Catalyst, women still make just 77.8 cents for every dollar earned by men. It is not a chauvinistic thing; besides, women can always make a little more if they are nice with their bosses.

March 16th 2010

2010-03-16T12:40:00.001-07:00

A Mississippi school canceled its prom after a lesbian student petitioned to bring her girlfriend and to wear a tuxedo. So when most Americans set the clocks ahead on Sunday, Mississippi just turned them back a couple of centuries...

Americans lost 1 hour on Sunday due to daylight saving. Actually, and hour and a half if you watched “Keeping up with the Kardashians.”

The economy is so bad that for daylight saving the government could afford to save only 30 minutes instead of an hour.

A Utah House majority leader admitted he paid a woman $150,000 to keep silent about going nude "hot-tubbing" with him when she was a minor. Republican House members gave him thunderous applause for his honesty and because it wasn’t a 15 year old boy.

A Utah House majority leader admitted he paid a woman $150,000 to keep silent about going nude "hot-tubbing" with him when she was a minor. If he had used a couple of jokes when he shared the story, he would have probably gotten a gig as a tonight show host.

Due to daylight saving, we set the clocks ahead an hour on Sunday. It was all a White House plan to give Democrats one less hour to change their minds and vote for the Health Care reform bill.

A man flipped out and killed his girlfriend and two other men after walking in on them having a threesome at her Brooklyn apartment. The man was in shock; how the heck did she manage to fit 3 people in an apartment in Brooklyn?

Former Utah Jazz center Robert Whaley was caught with marijuana wedged into his butt cheeks. According to police, he also had some crack there.

Former Utah Jazz center Robert Whaley was caught with marijuana wedged into his butt cheeks. And when he farted everybody giggled, but not just because it was funny.

The Obamas hosted a screening of HBO's "The Pacific" at the White House last week. And now you know why they sent Biden to Israel.

A 6.6 earthquake rocked Japan over the weekend. A bunch of cars crashed, but that had nothing to do with the Earthquake; they were Toyotas.

Yesterday, 3/14, was Pi Day. But in the case of Kirstie Alley, everyday is pie day!

South Africa’s government says it will need one billion condoms for the 2010 World Cup. Who says there’s no scoring in soccer?

According to a recent study women who’ve taken the pill are less likely to die. Can anybody tell Jon Gosselin to stop smiling?

There are rumors that the TV show 24 might move from Fox to NBC. Come on! Only drunk might Kiefer Sutherland want to make this move… oh, never mind…

According to a group called the Insight Center for Community Economic Development, the average single black woman has just $100 of wealth. I don’t know what Oprah is waiting for to marry Stedman Graham then…

According to a group called the Insight Center for Community Economic Development, the average single black woman has just $100 of wealth. Actually, it would be $.0000001 if we exclude Oprah from the average.

March 15th 2010

2010-03-15T08:07:00.001-07:00

The New York Post says that Tiger Woods has hired former George W. Bush adviser and spokesman Ari Fleischer to help with his return to golf. This guy is familiar with Tiger’s situation he helped Bush and the former president screwed millions!

The New York Post says that Tiger Woods has hired former George W. Bush adviser and spokesman Ari Fleischer to help him rehabilitate his public image. And today Tiger admitted to have had sex with several females but just because they had weapons of mass destruction.

A Mississippi school canceled its prom after a lesbian student petitioned to bring her girlfriend and to wear a tuxedo. Schools officials in Mississippi were outraged, not so much because the date was another woman, but because she wasn’t a relative.

A Mississippi school canceled its prom after a lesbian student petitioned to bring her girlfriend and to wear a tuxedo. Schools officials took a while to come up with the decision, but they needed sometime to find out what a tuxedo was.

Mexican telecom mogul Carlos Slim is the richest person in the world. I don’t want to say there’s a big gap between the rich and the poor in Mexico but the second richest Mexican man does my lawn every weekend.

According to a recent survey, one in ten joggers say they have sex every day. The other weren’t fast enough to catch the woman.

Joe Biden went to Israel to work on the Mideast peace process with Israel and the Palestinians. He did a great job and got both Israel and Palestine to agree on something, that Joe Biden should shut up.

Senators Lindsey Graham and Chuck Schumer proposed a national ID card for everybody who has a job in America. This is the right time to do it because we probably need 10 to 15 cards.

A writer posed as 10-year-old pen pal to get letters of advice from famous people. He got tons of responses including an invitation from Madonna to go out clubbing.

According to a recent study the business that GPS users search for the most often is WAL-MART. Because if you own a GPS system you probably never shopped at Wal-Mart.

Tiger Woods will make his big return to golf at the Masters in Augusta, Georgia. Things are a little different now, his caddy will carry the bag with the clubs and Elin will carry Tiger’s balls.

Federal authorities have charged a trendy Santa Monica sushi restaurant with serving whale meat. Apparently people became suspicious because the house dish was called: Tilikum

The Internet has been nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize. Are you serious? You know all the fights the internet has started in my house every time my wife caught me checking porn?

The Internet has been nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize. If it wins that’ll be the second Nobel peace prize for Al Gore.

A new method of brain scan can reportedly allow researchers to read people's thoughts. Can we start with Lindsay Lohan so we finally know what the heck she was thinking when she sued E-Trade?

March 14th 2010

2010-03-14T11:03:00.000-07:00

Lindsay Lohan is suing E*Trade because the "milkaholic" baby girl who appeared in a recent commercial was modeled after her. There are some similarities; people have seen Lindsay late at a club, drooling and babbling like a little baby.

A 7-year-old child hid in the bathroom and saved his family from gunmen by dialing 911. “Yeah but can he direct plane traffic at JFK?” said a kid in New York.

A new study finds that minorities make up nearly half the children born in the U.S., but just because they don’t waste hours and hours of their lives watching the Oscars.

Osama Bin Laden turned 53 yesterday. Does anybody know his address; I would love to send him a Toyota as a present.

Osama Bin Laden turned 53 yesterday. It was a great party, before he had some cake; he asked for three wishes and then blew some infidels.

A US drug control official said that more people in America are driving cars under the influence of drugs. Of course; you have to be drugged to dare drive a car with all the recalls going around.

A US drug control official said that more people are driving under the influence of drugs. But lately, it seems most drugged people are those that make the cars.

According to a new study, men are less picky about sexual partners when they are feeling very stressed. Well… being president is very stressful, right Bill?

According to a new study, men are attracted to a broader range of women when they're stressed out. That proves that golf is very relaxing because Tiger only goes for the hot ones.

According to a recent survey minorities don’t sleep with pets as much as White people do. We cannot generalize; Tiger is black and he sleeps with pets… the pet of the month.

A woman in California robbed 11 people at gunpoint and got away with only $6. That’s what happens when you choose to rob the California treasure department.

A study found that women can expect to remain sexually active until the age of 65. The difficult part is to find someone that wants to do it with them.

A study found that women can expect to remain sexually active until the age of 65. No wonder Jesus hasn’t left the apartment in a while; Madonna knows she’s got only a couple of weeks left.

According to a new survey, men have 30 minutes more free time every day than women. The problem is we spend them begging our wives for sex.

Carlos Slim from Mexico has overtaken Bill Gates to become the world's richest person. Apparently, Slim charges 2 billion dollars every time he mows the lawn.

Madonna is launching a new clothing line for teens. She knows a lot about it, she is dating one.

March 13th 2010

2010-03-13T09:22:00.000-08:00

Lindsay Lohan is suing E*Trade Financial Corp for $100 million, saying a "milkaholic" baby girl who appeared in a recent commercial was modeled after her. If that’s true, the baby deserves at least $200 million for being compared to Lindsay Lohan.

Lindsay Lohan has sued E*Trade Financial Corp for $100 million. Apparently, she did it because her stocks in Hollywood are worth nothing now.

Lindsay is suing Harry Smith for having a colonoscopy live on the CBS Early Show, her legal argument is that when someone is a pain in the ass on t.v. naturally people are going to think of her

Rush Limbaugh said he’d leave the country if Democrats passed the Health Care Bill. He can use the bungalow Alec Baldwin rented when he promised to leave if Bush won.

Rush Limbaugh says he'll leave the U.S. if the health care bill passes. If you thought it was difficult to get the Democrats to pass the Health Care reform, can you imagine how difficult it’ll be to find a country that wants Rush?

Dozens of same-sex couples got married in Washington yesterday. It was really emotional, especially when Larry Craig caught the bouquet that Roy Ashburn and Eric Massa tossed.

Sean Penn says reporters should be jailed for referring to Hugo Chavez as a "dictator”. He is right; crazy would fit him better.

According to a new study, one in six Americans has herpes. I noticed lately that Paris Hilton has been taking it easy and spending more time with the family.

According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, roughly one in six American adults are infected with genital herpes. Numbers are expected to go up once Tiger starts hitting the golf tournaments again.

Three in five Americans say their lovemaking sessions last an average of 30 minutes. That if we include smoking a cigarette after doing it and then eating a pizza.

A Chinese woman has a two-and-a-half-inch horn growing out of her forehead. Maybe she should contact Dick Cheney; he didn’t have any trouble hiding the two he got.

Kansas authorities said an injured man pulled over during a traffic stop told officers he was beaten for using Monopoly money to purchase drugs. Police let him go because he had a “get out of jail” card.

A death row inmate's execution in Ohio was delayed to give him time to recover from a suicide attempt. Apparently, officials didn’t want to waste the last meal they had already ordered for him.

Tiger Woods and his wife Elin Nordegren were seen kissing lately. Now you can see what a month in rehab without any sex at all does to you.

March 10th 2010

2010-03-10T14:22:00.001-08:00

California State Sen. Roy Ashburn, the gay rights opponent arrested last week for a DUI after leaving a gay nightclub, confirmed that he's gay. Ashburn said things won’t change much in his life except that from now on, the H in his name is silence.

Iraq held elections on Sunday. They are awaiting preliminary results, but rumors are Avatar lost.

Mary Josephine Ray, the oldest living American, died in New Hampshire at 114. She had been born in 1895, the year of the first display of a motion picture where Betty White debuted as an extra.

A British man was fined for walking his dog while he was driving along in his car. The worst part is, it was his seeing-eye dog!

A British man was fined for walking his dog while he was driving along in his car. Isn’t that cruel for the animal, especially because he was driving a Toyota?

An 11 year old boy in Azerbaijan bought nine homes in Dubai for $44 Million. Well… my dumb kid better starts working harder with his silly lemonade stand.

Sarah Palin has compared herself to God when she said God also wrote on his palm. Actually, there's something else similar between God and Palin… God actually didn't rest on the seventh day, he just quit like Palin.

Sarah Palin is catching some slack for admitting during the weekend that when she was a kid she used to go to Canada to use their health care system. Don’t blame her; it wasn't her talking; it’s just that her palm went rogue...

According to a new study, whites are more likely to be diagnosed with insomnia, especially since a black man became the president.

According to a new study more than three in five Americans say their average lovemaking session lasts at least 30 minutes. The other two… don’t lie.

The TV show "Numb3rs" is rumored to be cancelled soon. Apparently, the "Numb3rs" were not good.

Lindsay Lohan wants to write a book about her life. I don’t know much about it, but I can guarantee you it’ll be full of lines.

March 9th 2010

2010-03-09T13:00:00.000-08:00

Mo’Nique won an Oscar for best supporting actress. I heard rumors she won by a hair... or lots…

Miley Cyrus presented an award during the Oscar Ceremony. She looked quite uncomfortable onstage. I think she missed the stripper pole.

Both Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin did fantastic last night. Most of their lines went great. Except the times Jeremy Renner of the Hurt Locker came on stage to defuse a couple of jokes that bombed.

James Taylor performed during the tribute to those who died last year. It was pretty emotional; I choked, especially when they showed David Carradine.

TLC dropped the Miss America Pageant. So now the only way left for dumb blondes to be in TV is to work for Fox News.

A study says that baseball players are getting fatter. It must be true, because McDonalds is planning to open stores between second and third base in every baseball field in America.

Researchers at Northern Arizona University failed to scare beetles using Rush Limbaugh’s voice. Instead, the beetles started fighting with each other and blamed the black beetle for everything.

Researchers at Northern Arizona University failed to scare beetles using Rush Limbaugh’s voice. Shouldn’t have they used Yoko Ono’s instead.

Police in Vallejo, California, said that a teenager allegedly shot himself in the testicles Thursday afternoon. Well, he definitely got bigger balls than Plaxico Burress.

Police in Vallejo, California, said that a teenager allegedly shot himself in the testicles Thursday afternoon. I think he learned the lesson, because from now on he’ll be shooting blanks.

A Kentucky woman in jail for public intoxication was accused of assaulting an officer by squirting breast milk at her. And that, my friends, is how a porno movie is born!

More problems for David Patterson: Not only is he accused of obtaining free Yankee tickets for him, but he also now got in trouble for getting front row tickets for his eye-seeing dog for the Best In Show.

A pop singer got his family out of Haiti after the earthquake, only to move them to Chile to suffer a second one. Disaster follows him as he was hired to sing at a Nets game.

A chef in New York is serving cheese made with his wife’s breast milk at his restaurant. If you order a cheeseburger, remember not to ask for the mayo... trust me.

A chef in New York is serving cheese made with his wife’s breast milk at his restaurant. It is not that expensive unless you request to get the milk yourself.

Sarah Palin is planning on writing a second book. Apparently, the second book will act as a translation to the first one.

A man opened a new service and for $10 he dumps your girlfriend for you over the phone. He just needs one client to become rich: Tiger Woods

March 8th 2010

2010-03-08T04:29:00.000-08:00

California State Senator Roy Ashburn, a gay marriage opposer, was busted for DUI after leaving a gay club. Sorry; but is his name Roy Ashburn or Assburn?

California State Senator Roy Ashburn, known for opposing every gay rights measure in the State Senate, was busted for driving drunk after leaving a gay club. Police is charging him with DUI and two counts of hypocrisy.

California State Senator Roy Ashburn, known for opposing every gay rights measure in the State Senate, was busted for driving drunk after leaving a gay club. I don’t want to say he is gay, but police was surprised at how experienced and affectionate he was when blowing into the breathalyzer.

California State Senator Roy Ashburn, known for opposing every gay rights measure in the State Senate, was busted for DUI after leaving a gay club. He left jail 8 hours later, with a big smile on his face.

California State Senator Roy Ashburn, known for opposing every gay rights measure in the State Senate was busted for DUI after leaving a gay club. According to the police, he failed the sobriety test because he couldn’t walk “straight.”

The producers of this year's Oscars want the winners to cut down on their number of thank-you's. They are afraid the ceremony is going to be really long, with all the celebrities that died last year the death montage is going to last forever.

Mel Gibson says he became a nicotine addict in the womb. The anti-Semitism, right after he was born when the Jew doctor slapped him a little to make him cry.

Did you see the clip that ABC is running, the clip about a cheetah and a dog that are best friends? I knew Tiger and John Edwards were going to get along.

Everything is ready for the Oscars this Sunday, to even the most little details. For example organizers already hired two seat fillers for Kevin Smith.

President Obama will appear on "America’s most wanted”. Apparently, he is asking Americans to help him find his old approval ratings.

New York Governor David Paterson is being accused of breaking ethics laws by obtaining free Yankee tickets for the 2009 World Series. Apparently, New Yorkers are really mad because they were really good tickets and honestly for Patterson it wouldn’t have mattered.

The fee to apply for a US passport might increase to $135. Still a bargain when you think of all the money you save when you buy prescription drugs in Canada and Mexico.

A pop singer got his family out of Haiti after the earthquake, only to move them to Chile to suffer a second one. For the records, he never visited Detroit, the city just looks like that.

March 6th 2010

2010-03-06T21:47:00.000-08:00

According to a new study by the Centers for Disease Control, couples have their best sex after two years and four months of marriage… because that’s when they start having affairs and cheating on each other.

A conservative Christian group called the American Family Association is asking SeaWorld to stone Tilly the whale like it says in the bible. They might be onto something; a stoned whale would never kill a trainer, just giggle all the time.

A newlywed Massachusetts’s couple spent their wedding night in separate jail cells after police said the bride tried to run over an old flame of the groom. Poor her; at least the husband did have sex on his wedding night.

According to NASA, the 8.8 earthquake in Chile shortened the length of days on our planet by 1.26 microseconds. Producers of 24 are freaking out; naming the show 23 hours 59 minutes 58 seconds and 34 microseconds doesn’t sound as catchy.

A plastic surgeon butchered a breast augmentation on a woman in Staten Island and gave her 4 breasts. She now wants to sue the doctor and is asking for $5 million and two new hands for her husband.

A plastic surgeon butchered a breast augmentation on a woman in Staten Island and gave her 4 breasts. She now wants to sue the doctor, whereas her husband wants to hug him and thank him.

A woman in Staten Island is suing her plastic surgeon because the doctor didn’t augment her boobs and instead gave her 4 breasts. Unfortunately, she still needs to find a male reporter that would pay attention to what she is saying and stop staring at her boobs.

A man was caught masturbating under a blanket on a Southwest Airlines flight from Philadelphia to Denver. Passengers were all shocked… How did he get a blanket on the plane?

A man was caught masturbating on a Southwest Airlines flight from Philadelphia to Denver. And unlike the terrorist on Christmas day, this one was successful and had an explosion in his underpants.

A man was caught masturbating on a Southwest Airlines flight from Philadelphia to Denver. He is being accused of exposing himself and of attempting to highjack it off.

A man was caught masturbating on a Southwest Airlines flight from Philadelphia to Denver. I don’t know if it sounds like a sequel but apparently, the passengers claim they saw this guy’s snake on a plane.

There’s a Smurfs movie in the works. Would that be considered an Avatar sequel?

There’s a Speedy Gonzales movie in the works. It is a contemporary version. This time Speedy has to be faster than ever to run away from Lou Dobbs.

March 4th 2010

2010-03-04T18:07:00.000-08:00

Leno’s ratings on his first show were outstanding, once again beating his competitors by a mile. He should be worried; you know that might tempt NBC executives to cancel his show again.

There's talk Anderson Cooper may replace Katie Couric as anchor of "CBS Evening News”. Apparently, the network wanted someone more masculine but Katie didn’t do well in the ratings.

According to NASA, the 8.8 earthquake in Chile shortened the length of days on our planet by 1.26 microseconds. And now Republicans are saying that even Earth can’t wait for Obama to finish his presidency.

According to NASA, the 8.8 earthquake in Chile shortened the length of days on our planet by 1.26 microseconds. I don’t worry; my wife still manages to make my days feel longer!

A new rocket will enable humans to travel to Mars in just 39 days. Right in time for Senator Jim Bunning to get the heck out of here and hide from all the unemployed people that couldn’t get their checks this week.

Dwight Howard is the block leader in the NBA, close second in blocks: Senator Jim Bunning.

Tiger Woods is back at home practicing his golf swing. He hired a new coach; his wife Elin…

An Ohio woman taken to a maternity ward in her wedding dress became a newlywed and a new mom on the same day. I don’t want to say it was a shotgun wedding but the couple was registered in Target.

A New York City man grabbed a flash drive and swallowed the data storage device while in the custody of Secret Service agents. It was a mega byte!

A US court has ruled a group of 'zombies' have a right to free speech. So I guess tea baggers are organizing another rally this weekend.

A California man was sentenced to seven years in prison for shoplifting a package of cheese in his pants. That is not Gouda…

A California man was sentenced to seven years in prison for shoplifting a package of cheese in his pants, which is ironic because he said he did it because he was tired of living on government cheese.

The 8.8 earthquake in Chile shifted the Earth's axis. I guess we’ll have to balance it back sending Kirstie Alley and Kevin Smith to the other side.

Live fish rained down from the sky last week in a small town in Australia. Apparently, it is a new trend among Christian rappers.

Jon Gosselin's ex- girlfriend posted a picture of what she says is Jon’s penis online. I don’t want to be rude but it is Jon minus 8… inches.

Jon Gosselin's ex- girlfriend posted a picture of what she says is Jon’s penis online. Now that Jon is not doing Jon & Kate plus 8, he can definetely do: 2 and a half… inches.

March 3rd 2010

2010-03-03T18:03:00.000-08:00

General Motors is recalling 1.3 million compact cars in North America to address a power steering problem. Apparently, people discovered the problem on the steering wheel when they were trying to dodge Toyotas.

General Motors is recalling 1.3 million compact cars in North America to address a power steering problem. Apparently, since Obama took over the company, all the cars started veering left.

General Motors is recalling 1.3 million compact cars in North America to address a power steering problem. Who says we can’t make cars like the Japanese?

French Roman Catholics have opened a pay telephone line to confess their sins where people pay 0.34 Euros per minute. No wonder Catholics wanted Tiger to convert to their religion! If he confessed over the phone, the Pope would be able to build a new Vatican with all the money Tiger would have to pay.

French Roman Catholics have opened a pay telephone line to confess their sins where people pay 0.34 Euros per minute. I guess I will have to continue sinning; I have AT&T and my reception is horrible everywhere.

President Obama had his physical exam on Sunday. His doctor told him his cholesterol level was high and that he needed to cut the fat and drink moderately. Do birthers need more proof he was born in this country???

President Obama has not stopped smoking. Would you blame him? It is so stressful to run the country and if you add that your mother-in-law lives with you, and Biden is your vice president... You would do the same.

President Obama has not stopped smoking. Maybe he should be more like Sarah Palin... you know, a quitter…

Roger Ebert debuted his new, synthetic voice on "Oprah" today. He said he couldn’t wait all this time to finally be able to talk and say: “Cop Out” sucks!

Roger Ebert debuted his new, synthetic voice on "Oprah" today. His first words: “2 Thumbs up!”

Kate Gosselin will reportedly be on the next "Dancing with the Stars”. Her kids were immensely happy; they will finally get water and food again now that there are some producers around.

Adam Lambert says he WOULD sleep with a woman. Yeah, Lady Gaga…

A new study finds that dim lighting can trigger dishonesty. So, are you telling me the stripper lied when she said I was hot?

Golf Digest magazine says that Tiger Woods received a phone call from Bill Clinton while he was on rehab. Apparently, Bill wanted to know if Tiger could share some of his Vegas contacts now that he is not using them anymore.

Oprah's people are denying that they're producing a Paula Abdul talk show. Rumors started circulatiing when a truck full of pharmaceuticals parked outside Oprah’s studio.

Dick Cheney suffered a fifth heart attack last week. I guess now that he is not the president he needs to attack something!

March 2nd 2010

2010-03-02T17:46:00.000-08:00

The California state assembly passed a resolution making the first week of March "Curse Free Week." And to make it easier for everybody, they cancelled all the Clippers games for that week.

The California state assembly passed a resolution making the first week of March "Curse Free Week.” What about a gigantic Cuss Jar? If we show some politicians on TV that week we can raise enough money to save the state budget.

A 507-carat diamond sold in London for $35 million. I guess Tiger had a little relapse in rehab.

Gun-rights advocates are very happy with Starbucks policy to allow anybody to openly carry firearms when they walk into their stores. Starbucks people are not afraid of guns; they have been robbing you for years charging $4 for a cup of coffee and they never needed a pistol.

Gun-rights advocates are very happy with Starbucks policy to allow anybody to openly carry firearms when they walk into their stores. The baristas not so much, especially because they are the ones that have to tell their customers it is $4 for a cup of coffee.

A D.C. couple got quite a surprise this week when FedEx dropped a package with 30 Pounds of pot. Poor Snoop doggy dog; he must have had a boring party this weekend.

Johnny Weir called a press conference to confirm he is a man. There’s no news about a Lady Gaga press conference yet.

Johnny Weir grew facial hair to prove he is a man. Right after that Susan Boyle shaved her beard to prove she is a woman.

Last night was the end of the Winter Olympics game. Now the Olympic flame stays in Vancouver for a while… doing some shopping. Then Johnny Weir goes back to the U.S.

A silicone breast implant saved the life of a California woman who was shot in the chest. “That’s why, honey, I go to strip joints; I feel really safe behind those women.”

A silicone breast implant saved the life of a California woman who was shot in the chest. “Honey, let’s cancel our home security system, and call a plastic surgeon.”

A massive magnitude-8.3 earthquake struck Chile early on Saturday. Can somebody please rush to cover Pat Robertson’s mouth before he says something dumb?

J WoWW, of the reality TV show, Jersey Shore, celebrated her birthday in Vegas Saturday night. You know what they say: what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas. So, could you please lock her there so she doesn’t go back to her show?

The cast of "Jersey Shore" will return next season. According to some rumors, everybody in the show will make $10,000 an episode. You’d think they would be happy, but after all the money they spend on hair gel and spray tan it is a clean $5.

Vice president Joe Biden was caught saying: "It's easy being vice president. You don't have to do anything," during the Health Care Summit. “It is true,” said Bush, “as a Vice president, I didn’t have to do much.”

Carly Simon finally told the world the subject of "You're So Vain.” In a new version of the 1972 hit song, the singer whispers a name during an instrumental break. If you pay close attention, you can clearly hear: Simon Cowell.

Kevin Smith’s movie “Cop Out” debuted this weekend. And if you saw the theaters half empty, it wasn’t because they were kicking out fat people; it is just that his movie sucks.

February 25th 2010

2010-02-25T04:35:00.000-08:00

Oprah's people are denying that they're producing a Paula Abdul talk show. Rumors started circulatiing when a truck full of pharmaceuticals parked outside Oprah’s studio.

Life expectancy in Canada is now 80.7 years. Or way down if you‘re a Canadian that saw your team lose to the US team at the Olympics.

A University of Illinois study found that pleasuring yourself is good for your health. So Tiger Woods just added 20 years to his life after the 2 weeks in rehab.

A University of Illinois study found that pleasuring yourself is good for your health. “Not always,” said Stevie Wonder…

Tiger Woods apologized to the other parents at their daughter's preschool. We all men deserve an apology from Tiger because now any stupid waitress in the country thinks they can do someone as big as Tiger living no chance for average Joes like me to see any action.

Dick Cheney suffered a fifth heart attack on Monday. I guess now that he is not the president he needs to attack something.

O'Hare and other important airports will be getting full body scanners as early as next week. My advice? Pick the line with the biggest number of ugly women and men, it will move faster.

Pole-dancing might be considered an Olympic sport in the future. Ahh… That is what Miley Cyrus is training for!

Pole-dancing might be considered an Olympic sport in the future. And today Chinese officials started forcing their babies to wear thongs and high heels.

Pole-dancing might be considered an Olympic sport in the future. Competitors will be judged according to the number of $1 bills they get in their thongs.

Pole-dancing might be considered an Olympic sport in the future. I’m so proud my daughter wants to be an Olympian to pay her education to be a doctor!

After complaining that 2,074 pages were too many, Majority Leader John Boehner now says that 12 pages presented by the Obama administration are too little. It is like a lottery; how long will it take for Obama to hit the right number of pages?

A woman claims she doesn’t need to lose weight now after her love handles stopped a stray bullet. Maybe if she was skinny, that bullet would have missed her completely.

A woman claims she doesn’t need to lose weight now after her love handles stopped a stray bullet. Let’s see if the love handles can stop a heart attack.

According to a research, women make three times as much coffee and tea for the office every week as men do. Well, men are too busy surfing for porn online.

A guy is suing the Kansas City Royals for $25,000 because their mascot hit him in the eye with a hot dog. It's similar to the lawsuit that dude who played keyboard at the AMA's filed against Adam Lambert.

February 23rd 2010

2010-02-23T17:49:00.000-08:00

A new study suggests that napping for an hour or so can refresh your brain, boosting your ability to learn. It is true, I took a nap at work and I learned I got fired.

Dick Cheney visited the George Washington Hospital after experiencing chest pains. Apparently, the emotion of seeing a black apologizing on Friday was too much for him.

Photoshop turned 20 yesterday. But after some airbrush, it managed to look 17.

The inventor of the easy oven died. His cremation will take like a month because he demanded to be cremated with his own invention.

Kansas is about to pass a law that would make it tougher for couples to get divorced. Apparently in the new law men get to keep their money after the separation.

After the press conference, some people pointed out that Tiger has gained a few pounds. Apparently it is part of sex rehab; they make you fat and unappealing to lower your chances to score again.

This just in: Tiger is planning on another press conference to apologize for boring the heck out of everybody for 13 minutes.

Tiger Woods and his wife played tennis after Tiger’s press conference.They both enjoy tennis, because “love” means nothing for both of them.

Bill Clinton says he's probably going to cry at Chelsea's wedding… because marriage for Bill is so painful.

A Florida couple held their wedding at a Ford Mustang dealership. A lot of people crashed the wedding… they were driving Toyotas.

Scott Brown shocked everybody and with his vote helped Democrats cut off a Republican filibuster of a jobs bill. I don’t understand the surprise; everybody could see he was leaning left in those naked pictures.

Scott Brown shocked everybody and with his vote helped Democrats cut off a Republican filibuster of a jobs bill. I don’t want to spread rumors about bribe, but both Harry Reid and Barbara Boxer where seen holding Brown’s daughter’s new CD.

Bob Dole is recovering at the Walter Reed Army Medical Center after surgery on his knee. Thanks to Viagra he won’t need a cane.

A Great Dane from Arizona holds now the Guinness World Record for the tallest dog in the world. The dog is so tall; his owner has to close his eyes every time he gets humped.

A Great Dane from Arizona holds now the Guinness World Record for the tallest dog in the world. The dog is so big; the owner had to get a bulldozer to pick its poop.

Fantasia Barrino, has beefed up her security after receiving threatening letter. She got several hatred letters before, but this is the first she understood one because it contains the drawing of man stabbing a woman.

February 22nd 2010

2010-02-22T04:06:00.000-08:00

Ellen DeGeneres is demanding a $150,000 clothing allowance from "American Idol". That amount pales in comparison to the food allowance that Rhandi Jackson gets.

Bill Clinton blamed his heart problems on ice cream. His heart goes crazy every time he sees a young chubby chick licking them.

A man crashed his small plane into a federal building in Texas because he had a hang up with the IRS. Yeah you made your point, but now that you are gone, how do you think they are going to get money for the building repair? They are going to tax the heck out of people!

A man crashed his small plane into an IRS building in Texas because he wanted to make a point about the oppression of government and taxes. What a moron and you choose the day before Tiger Woods’ press conference?

Hollywood is already planning a movie about Joseph Stack, the guy that slammed his plane into a building because he hated taxes. They already have in mind two big actors for that role: Nicolas cage or Wesley Snipes.

A school district is being sued for spying on students using the webcams of school-provided laptops. The school is giving students a chance in life. If they don’t make it with education, they can always use the sex those tapes and get famous.

Chris Brown got good marks during a status hearing. Not as good as the mark Rhiana got on her face when he dated him.

Pete Townshend says his hearing problems have returned. Lucky him, at least he didn’t have to hear the crappy Who’s performance at the Super Bowl.

A 528-pound woman gave birth yesterday to a 6.4-pound baby. She gained the 6.4 pounds back at lunch.

Minnesota Gov. Tim Pawlenty told voters to follow the lead of Tiger Woods’s wife and ‘take a 9 iron and smash the window out of big government. He said a 9 iron Joseph Stack, not a plane!

Actress and singer Hilary Duff, is engaged to a hockey player. Well at least she got teeth for the both of them.

The press was accommodated in a separate room during Tiger Woods’ press conference. It was doctors’ recommendation, they were not sure Tiger wouldn’t succumb to the temptation to one of the hot blondes Fox news reporters.

Tiger’s press conference taught my kids a valuable lesson. Success and money are very important, because only having both of them someone that boring can score with so many chicks!

February 18th 2010

2010-02-18T04:16:00.000-08:00

According to a new survey, Americans are the most attractive looking people in the world. We’d better hide Snooki’s pictures.

According to a new survey, Americans are the most attractive looking people in the world. That’s why women have sex with in Mexico, not because I paid for everything with dollars.

A study says that babies who hear two languages regularly when they are in their mother's womb are more open to being bilingual. Damn! I live in LA so my baby only hears one… Spanish!

Dick Cheney made the TV rounds this weekend to talk about Iraq, torture and to plug a new season of 24.

In a new CNN poll, 52 percent of Americans said Obama doesn't deserve reelection in 2012. The other 48 percent want him gone now.

A six-month-old baby in England has shocked his parents and doctors by learning to walk unaided. Apparently, he was running away from his mom’s food.

A six-month-old baby in England has shocked his parents and doctors by learning to walk unaided. Big deal! In China, the same baby would have already won two gold medals.

The happiest state in America is Hawaii… Because they get lei all the time… I know, it’s lame…

An editor of the Daily Telegraph in England says that Protected by anonymity, internet users are becoming ever more vicious. “Who the heck is this stupid jerk?” Signed: “hotboy in Atlanta.”

A Canadian curler is five and a half months pregnant. Big deal! My wife is eight and a half months pregnant, and she’d better keep on sweeping the floors every day.

A new study has found that girls who play sports in high school are less likely to be chubby when they grow up. Unfortunately, in high school, my wife was part of the competitive eating team.

A guy in Wisconsin cooked his ex-girlfriend’s dog. Karma is a bitch and I’m so glad he’ll become one in jail.

Kevin Eubanks is leaving the Tonight Show. It is quite weird, usually black musicians stayed last in a sinking ship, I saw that in the Titanic.

February 16th 2010

2010-02-16T13:45:00.000-08:00

Robert Pattinson said he was "allergic to vaginas.” It is understandable; he probably washed so many all his life being such a douche.

Youtube turned 5 yesterday. Actually 4, because it spent 1 year buffering.

A new study from Cranfield University in England has found that eating meat is actually better for the environment than being vegetarian. So ladies, if you don’t want to ruin the world, quit the bananas and cucumbers and call me.

A new study from Cranfield University in England has found that eating meat is actually better for the environment than being vegetarian. Who would have thought Rush Limbaugh really cared about climate change so much.

Another suggestive photo of "Jersey Shore's" Snooki hit the Internet. Right in time for Fat Tuesday!

An Ohio man set a record by hugging 7,777 people in one day. He also broke the record for stealing the most wallets in one day.

The oldest death row inmate in the U.S. has died of natural causes at age 94. Well, at least we saved money on his last meal.

A guy was caught drinking a beer while driving with his 2-year-old grandson on his lap. The man told the cops that there was no need to call his wife because he had already texted her while driving.

A guy was caught drinking a beer while driving with his 2-year-old grandson on his lap. He claimed he was sober because he’d been eating in the car while the little kid was holding the steering wheel.

Joe the Plumber said John McCain "screwed up his life." Yours? Everybody’s! Especially when he came up with Sarah Palin as his running mate!

Joe the Plumber said that he doesn’t owe John McCain any Sh… He wishes he owed him crap, because THAT he can get a lot of at work.

Researchers have identified the gene that predisposes men to cheat. The jeans with a big bulge.

Researchers have identified the gene that predisposes men to cheat. Now the dilemma is to know who to name it after with so many people so deserving…

A Swiss free diver has held his breath underwater for 19 minutes and 21 seconds, smashing the world record. Apparently, the previous record holders where all living in New Orleans.

A Swiss free diver has held his breath underwater for 19 minutes and 21 seconds, smashing the world record. He was immediately contacted by Guinness and tons of chicks.

A man is suing Oklahoma because they won't let him get a license plate reading "I’m gay". On the city’s defense, he doesn’t need a license plate to disclose his sexual orientation; the guy is driving a Prius!

A man is suing Oklahoma because they won't let him get a license plate reading "I’m gay. The city is willing to compromise and let him have one that reads: I love Glee!

A woman is suing a hospital for $30,000 for accidentally giving her the wrong baby to breastfeed, especially because the kid was 15-years-old.

The Red Cross collected $255 million for the Haiti relief effort but only sent $80 million to Haiti. I know Wyclef Jean’s appearance was expensive but $ 175 million is a little too much.

February 16th 2010

2010-02-15T12:28:00.000-08:00

Bill Clinton is home after undergoing heart surgery. Wasn’t it too much to fake a heart attack so he wouldn’t have to have sex with Hillary on Saint Valentine?

Bill Clinton underwent an emergency heart procedure after experiencing chest pains for several days. Apparently the palpitations started when he saw the unveiling of the cover of Sports Illustrated.

Bill Clinton is home after undergoing heart surgery. The doctor’s advice: stay away from the fat!

The media is still talking Palin’s palm –notes incident. Apparently it is confirmed it wasn’t her handwriting, because if it was her those words should have been written with crayon.

The elementary school student accused of sexually harassing a classmate when he was 6in 2006, will get $160,000 in a settlement reached with the city. Can you imagine all the tail this kid is going to get now with all that money?

The elementary school student accused of sexually harassing a classmate when he was 6in 2006, will get $160,000 in a settlement reached with the city. The kid celebrated going to the strip bar.

The inventor of the Frisbee, Fred Morrison died last week. It was a very emotional ceremony, especially with all the dogs chasing the casket.

A 73 year old Florida man robbed a bank to pay his mortgage. He must be senile, thinking that banks still have money.

Experts are predicting there will be a small baby boom nine months after the recent snow storms. Mostly legitimate children as politicians in DC were forced to stay home and do it with their wives.

An interior designer is suing Anderson Cooper after she took a fall at an old Manhattan firehouse he's converting into a new home. Rumors are this is not the first time someone falls into Cooper’s hole.

The nation's first double hand transplant recipient has left a Pittsburgh hospital and is doing fine. Question: Now that he has another man’s hands, is it gay for him to play with himself?

February 12th 2010

2010-02-12T12:21:00.001-08:00

Have a nice weekend..

Alec Baldwin was "rushed to the hospital" early this morning after his daughter called 911. Actually he passed out yesterday but the little pig felt like waiting a couple of hours to call for help.

According to scientists, boredom could kill people. Authorities are now looking to charge Jimmy Fallon with first degree murder.

According to scientists, boredom could kill people. It is true; every time Ted Bundy got bored he would go out and murder somebody.

A study has found that the lower a person's IQ is, the higher their chance of a heart attack. So is it considered suicide if you are a tea bagger and you are against health care reform?

According to the Enquirer, John Edwards has proposed to his mistress and is buying a home on Bald Head Island. The story is fake; Edwards would never buy a house on an Island called Bald Head.

According to a new study, addiction to online pornography isn't a "major problem" unless you spend 16 hours a day surfing for it. Shoot! Houston, I have a problem

A new study from the University of Michigan has found that men who are overweight are more likely to survive a car crash. That’s why today I bought my fat son a Toyota.

A man smashed 29 flat-screen televisions during a rampage at a Walmart in Atlanta. Employees are to blame setting them to play the Glen Beck show.

February 11th 2010

2010-02-11T13:50:00.000-08:00

Washington, D.C., is expected to get another 20 inches today. Apparently Scott Brown is back in town…

A 25-year-old man died during a sleep study in Georgia. So why on earth did they let Dr. Conrad Murray conduct the research???

Lil Wayne’s sentencing in a weapons case was postponed so he could have dental surgery before going to jail. Apparently the rapper wanted to have his teeth ready for the constant pillow biting.

Lil Wayne’s sentencing in a weapons case was postponed so he could have dental surgery before going to jail. His future cellmate Bubba suggested he should remove them all to enhance the enjoyment.

Governor David Paterson said that the only way he’ll be leaving office before he finishes his term is in a box. The box of the female assistants he is having affairs with.

The media don’t know yet who’s responsible for a billboard in Minnesota bearing the image of a smiling George W. Bush accompanied by the question "Miss me yet?” They know so far the message was sent to all the comedians that are starving since Obama took office.

A guy with tourette's is suing Starbucks for kicking him out after an "episode". He says he was discriminated because everybody inside the shop was uttering obscenities when they heard the price of the coffee.

Nancy Kerrigan’s brother was found responsible for their father's death. Wow another blow in Nancy’s life!

Tom Cruise will star in "Mission: Impossible 4". This time more Impossible than ever as he tries to kiss his co-star without elevator shoes.

February 10th 2010

2010-02-10T18:07:00.000-08:00

President Barack Obama invited Republican and Democratic leaders to discuss possible compromises in a televised gathering later this month. Apparently, the president got the idea from a Super Bowl ad and wants all of them sitting on a couch with Oprah in the middle.

President Barack Obama invited Republican and Democratic leaders to discuss possible compromises in a televised gathering later this month. Don’t be fooled; he still doesn’t want anybody to see it because he suggested NBC as the only network to carry it.

President Barack Obama invited Republican and Democratic leaders to discuss possible compromises on Health Care in a televised gathering later this month. Ironically, members of both parties already called in sick.

Dear John is the number one movie in America. Women went to see it because it is a romantic movie; guys just thought it was John Edwards’ sex tape.

Unlike other times, fans were not allowed on the field during The Who performance at the Super Bowl. Apparently, they tried it during rehearsal but Pete Townsend kept screaming at them “Get off my lawn!”

According to a new study, beer can be good for your bones. Nature is very savvy; I really need strong bones, because after I drink a lot I usually end up in a fight at the bar.

According to a new study, beer can be good for your bones. Nature is very savvy; I really need strong bones, especially when I’m under some of the chubby chicks I end up with in bed after I drink a lot.

According to a new study, beer can be good for your bones. After yesterday’s Super Bowl, I feel indestructible.

Japanese authorities said they are trying to identify a body found inside one of the landing gear compartments on a Delta Airlines flight that arrived in Tokyo from New York. As soon as they come up with a name, the airline wants to charge the family with the ticket.

A man's frostbitten body was found inside the landing gear compartment of a Delta Air Lines plane after it landed in Tokyo from New York. Apparently, the man refused to pay the $5 bucks the airline charges for the blanket.

February 9th 2010

2010-02-09T12:35:00.000-08:00

The big weekend snowstorms left a lot of people in Washington, D.C., without power. That’s why Democrats decided to call the storm: Scott Brown.

Last weekend’s snowstorm left people in New Jersey without energy. Not a big shock for the Nets which have been without energy since the season started.

The Who performed at the half time show of the game yesterday. This Super Bowl was a great opportunity for the band to be seen by millions of fans, and also to check some good nursing homes in Florida.

According to scientists, boredom could kill people. Authorities are now looking to charge NBC with first degree murder.

Jay Leno and David Letterman both appeared on an ad for the Super Bowl. Weird, because I thought CBS had rejected the gay dating site mancrunch.com commercial.

Jay Leno and David Letterman both appeared sitting next to Oprah on an ad for the Super Bowl. And today Oprah was nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize.

According to Entertainment Weekly, Jay Leno was in disguise when he walked in the Ed Sullivan Theater (where Letterman does the "Late Show") to record the Super Bowl spot. In fact, everybody ignored Jay because they thought that was just one of Dave’s mistresses.

Everybody at the stadium and in millions of homes around America were screaming the phrase Who Dat last night, especially when The Who showed up to play.

According to scientists, boredom could be shaving years off your life. Finally some good news about my marriage!

Charlie Sheen's SUV was stolen and crashed off a cliff in Los Angeles. Apparently, the thief that drove it away didn’t think of the danger of stealing a Toyota.

Charlie Sheen's SUV was stolen and crashed off a cliff in Los Angeles. The car didn’t suffer major damages and neither did the two dead hookers Charlie had in the trunk.

Charlie Sheen's SUV was stolen and crashed off a cliff in Los Angeles. The main suspect so far… Tiger Woods.

The last speaker of an ancient tribal language has passed away. Apparently, she died of boredom because she couldn’t talk with anybody.

The last speaker of an ancient tribal language has passed away. Apparently, the waiter didn’t understand her when she told him she was allergic to peanuts.

The last speaker of an ancient tribal language has passed away. That should raise some awareness and make us protect the last person that speaks English in LA.

A research suggests that high altitudes suppress appetite. I disagree; every time I get high, I tend to eat a lot.

A research suggests that high altitudes suppress appetite. The difficult part is trying to get the fatzo to the top of the mountain.

A research suggests that it is easier to lose weight at high altitudes, especially if you go as far as the moon. There, you weight like 6 times less of what you weight on Earth.

Sarah Palin had notes written on her hand for her speech at the Tea Party Convention in Tennessee. Her palm must have been all sweaty because I couldn’t understand a word of what she was saying.

Sarah Palin had notes written on the palm of her hand for her speech at the Tea Party Convention in Tennessee. That proves she is fiscally responsible; she doesn’t want to waste money on teleprompters.

Cameras showed Kim Kardashian and her mom walking on the field at the end of the game. Actually, Chloe was there too but it was hard to distinguish her from the other players.

The Who performed at the half time of the Super Bowl. Unlike other times, fans were not allowed on the field while the band was playing, but just because it would have taken a long time to take so many old people with canes and wheelchairs out of the field.

February 7th 2010

2010-02-07T08:38:00.000-08:00

President Obama spoke at yesterday's National Prayer breakfast. Sadly, Obama's prayers weren't answered because when he got into the car, he turned the radio on and Rush was still on.

A block of ice from an airplane fell into the home of a Las Vegas couple. Pilots were furious; the whiskey doesn’t taste as good when it is not on the rocks.

Former NFL coach, Jimmy Johnson, is doing a commercial for ExtenZe, a male enhancement pill. Oh, that’s why his nickname in college was “Little” Johnson.

Former NFL coach, Jimmy Johnson, is doing a commercial for ExtenZe, a male enhancement pill. You know; there was always a rumor in the league Jimmy didn’t like the deep penetrations during the game.

Anderson Cooper said that he is not adopting a Haitian kid. Apparently, he’s got enough changing Larry King’s diapers.

Vin Diesel and Paul Walker are getting ready to film a fifth installment in the "Fast and the Furious" franchise. Apparently, this time the “Fast and the Furious” movie is about Toyota owners.

In an interview with “Inside Edition”, Lindsay Lohan revealed that she is a hoarder. Lindsay said she has kept almost everything from the past 10 years, except her sobriety and driving skills.

President Obama invited top Republicans to join him at the White House for the Super Bowl. I think we know who are rooting against New Orleans.

According to "Men's Health" magazine, Boston is the least drunk city in America. Well, there hasn’t been much to celebrate last year with the Red Sox, the Celtics, and Scott Brown winning.

According to "Men's Health" magazine, Boston is the least drunk city in America. Well they lost their best player to heaven… Uncle Ted.

According to British intelligence, terrorists are trying to outfit female suicide bombers with explosive breast implants. I’ll take my chances and sit on the plane next to the big-breasted chick.

According to British intelligence, terrorists are trying to outfit female suicide bombers with explosive breast implants. Finally a topic I wouldn’t mind covered on the show “24.”

The Dow Jones hit a new low for the year; the stocks kept going down and down yesterday, like they couldn’t brake, like the gas pedal was stuck…

First the Corollas have problems with the gas pedal, now the Priuses have problems with their brakes. Poor Toyota CEO; he can’t catch a BREAK!

A New Yorker faces a $135 traffic fine for using a mannequin to get access to the carpool lane. What a dummy!

A man in Massachusetts was arrested trying to steal 75 bottles of body lotion stuffed in his pants. It took the cops 7 hours to catch him, because he kept slipping away.

A man in Massachusetts was arrested trying to steal 75 bottles of body lotion stuffed in his pants. I hope he kept one of those for when he has to give massages to bubba in jail.

Apple officials announced they had removed an app from its online store that allowed iPhone users to download speeches by Italian dictator Benito Mussolini. And today Mel Gibson switched to blackberry.

Facebook turned 6 yesterday. Weird… I threw a party at home and none of my facebooks friends showed up.

February 5th 2010

2010-02-05T13:29:00.000-08:00

Have a great weekend you all!

Toyota acknowledged that their Prius has software problems and doesn’t brake properly. Unlike the GM cars that break all the time.

Toyota acknowledged that their Prius has software problems and doesn’t brake properly. Well, let’s be fair; the dealers usually promise that these cars never break.

Toyota has recalled thousands of cars. Unlike GM executives, who don’t recall last time they sold one.

Now Toyota Prius owners are reporting cases of gas pedal problems. That’s impossible! The Prius have gas pedals?

New research suggests your chances of becoming a professional athlete are greater if you were born in one of the early months of the year. No wonder the New Jersey Nets have their schedule busy with all the birthday celebrations they have in November.

Pfizer, the maker of Viagra, posted a 34% jump in revenue yesterday. And today stockholders begged Miss America Pageant organizers to have Rush Limbaugh as a judge again.

Only 20 people showed up to see Pamela Anderson host a $25-a-ticket "club night fashion show" in Miami. Apparently, those are the only ones in the world that haven’t seen her naked in the movie with Tommy Lee.

Governor Mark Sanford's wife says he dropped the word "faithful" from their wedding vows when they got married. Don’t worry; he also dropped the word “Honest” when he swore to be the governor.

Admiral Mullen, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, told a group of senators that he is in favor of gays serving openly in the military. The meeting was televised by C-span and sponsored by mancrunch.com

Iran successfully launched a rocket carrying a mouse, turtle and worms into space for research purposes. Everybody in their space center was happy, except for the guy that reluctantly had to surrender his lunch.

A study says that excessive Internet use is linked to depression, mostly when guys check hot chicks online and then go to bed with their old wives.

President Obama told Democrats yesterday to stop looking at blogs and go out there to meet people, except for John Edwards. Democrats are safer if he just e-mails the constituents.

Miley Cyrus’ 9-year-old sister is launching a lingerie line for kids. Apparently, they are doing the fashion show in the set of “To catch a Predator”

The federal government now considers sex-change operations to be medically necessary so it is tax deductable. Perfect; with extra money, Chaz Bono is going to be able to afford the condoms and Viagra

According to British intelligence, terrorists are trying to outfit female suicide bombers with explosive breast implants. We’d better start checking everybody; I’ll start with Salma Hayek.

According to British intelligence, terrorists are trying to outfit female suicide bombers with explosive breast implants. “I swear Saint Peter; I don’t know what happened, I started fondling this girl at the airport and…”

February 4th 2010

2010-02-04T13:35:00.000-08:00

Alaska now has its own version of Groundhog Day. The governor signed a bill last year to make every Feb. 2 Marmot Day in Alaska. Unfortunately, when the marmot left the cave yesterday, it got shot by Sarah Palin.

The cast of "Jersey Shore" will return next season. According to some rumors, everybody in the show will make $10,000 an episode. You’d think they would be happy, but after all the money they spend on hair gel and spray tan it is a clean $5.

American Idol contestant General Larry Platt performed the song “Pants on the Ground” on a commercial flight from L.A. to Atlanta yesterday morning. Ironically, his pants were on the ground due to the cavity search he experienced before he boarded the plane.

Ashton Kutcher will appear on this week's "Saturday Night Live". His wife, in the History Channel.

Madonna and her boyfriend Jesus have called it quits. Reporters claim they saw the pop start already looking for a new date at Chucky Cheese.

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi has allegedly spent a hundred thousand dollars on alcohol while on board Air Force jets over the past two years. Her approval ratings are so low; you have to be drunk to dare hang around with her.

A banker in Australia was caught looking at pictures of topless women in his office not realizing a television news reporter was speaking live to camera just a few feet away. In his defense, it was a sperm bank.

According to a new study, employees spend almost half of the day worrying about their bosses. And of course, they spend the other half looking at porn on the web.

A new study from the Medical University of Graz in Austria has found that sunbathing can boost a man's sex drive, especially if you are lying out next to hot women wearing only a thong.

A new study from the Medical University of Graz in Austria has found that an hour of “Sun” can boost a man's sex drive, especially if you just look at those pictures of hot chicks the British tabloid prints.

A new study has found that sunbathing can boost a man's sex drive. Great; you are going to be able to hit on all the nurses that work at the hospital where you’ll get radiation for skin cancer.

A new study from the Medical University of Graz in Austria has found that sunbathing can boost a man's sex drive. It is true; you will always see a smiling woman next to George Hamilton.

A 13-year-old girl in England has a rare disease that makes her look like a 50-year-old woman. Doctors believe it is a natural self defense mechanism to avoid being chased by Roman Polanski.

James Cameron and his ex-wife Kathryn Bigelow are both nominated for directing Oscars. I don’t care about the Oscars, but I already hired a lip reader for when the cameras pan on the face of the loser that night.

Mo'Nique is considered an early favorite to win an Oscar for Best Actress for her role in “Precious,” though some experts believe she could lose by a hair... or tons…

February 3rd 2010

2010-02-03T18:34:00.000-08:00

Punxsutawney Phil was pulled from its stump by members of the Punxsutawney Groundhog Club Inner Circle. Not to see its shadow… It turns out that Phil was just another victim of foreclosure.

Punxsutawney Phil has seen its shadow, which means the winter will last for six more weeks. Unfortunately, Punxsutawney Phil won’t be able to see it, because a mob of hungry people affected by the bad economy ate it.

Punxsutawney Phil has seen its shadow, which means the winter will last for six more weeks. He didn’t stop there; taking advantage of the cameras, Phil went on a rant against those crazy liberals that believe in Global Warming and gave Al Gore the middle finger.

The rapper Game is denying he's the father of Tila Tequila's baby. I wonder if John Edwards can say the same.

The Obama administration may investigate the legality of college football Bowl Championship Series. Obama believes the BCS is illegal because it could sometimes award a trophy to a team that might not deserve it. You know, like with the Nobel Peace Prize…

Researchers have developed a silicone implant which can generate electricity when squeezed, mashed or wobbled, which means that with my hands and Pamela Anderson, we can save California's energy crisis.

NBC expects 200 million people will watch the Winter Olympics. Well, I wouldn’t be so sure; they also expected the same numbers for Leno and Conan.

South Carolina’s first lady Jenny Sanford wrote in her new book that she got short of breath when she found out about her husband, Mark Sanford, was having an affair with an Argentine woman. If it makes her feel happy, her husband also felt short of breath every time he was doing his mistress.

According to a new book, a cat in Rhode Island regularly predicted patients' deaths at a nursing home by snuggling alongside them in their final hours. Honestly, if I’m going to die, I don’t think it is that bad to go after I saw some pussy.

According to a new book, a cat in Rhode Island regularly predicted patients' deaths at a nursing home by snuggling alongside them in their final hours. And today Larry King got a new huge dog.

According to a new book, a cat in Rhode Island regularly predicted patients' deaths at a nursing home by snuggling alongside them in their final hours. The White House can’t wait to get their hands on this cat and make it “Death Panel Czar.”

According to a new book, a cat in Rhode Island regularly predicted patients' deaths at a nursing home by snuggling alongside them in their final hours. And today Rush Limbaugh bought a bunch of tuna fish cans, and left them opened by the White House’s gate.

CBS rejected another Super Bowl ad, this time for telling the viewers “Go to Hell.” Apparently, it was a travel agency promoting daily trips to New Jersey.

CBS rejected another Super Bowl ad, this time for telling the viewers “Go to Hell.” It is funny how different Networks are. Because “Go to hell” is exactly what NBC told Leno and his fans when they moved him back to 11:30.

According to a survey, one in four children have sent or been sent inappropriate material including pornography via email... the other 3 look at the real thing thanks to their teachers.

A Pennsylvania Goodwill store will launch a "Dump 'n' Drive" day, for Saint Valentine, so you can get rid of all your ex’s leftover belongings. So if you happen to go right after Elizabeth Edwards dumps John’s things, you will be able to find enough stuff to open like 3 hair salons.

February 2nd 2010

2010-02-02T11:58:00.000-08:00

Osama bin Laden released a new audio tape blaming the US for Global Warming. He should be thankful; at least he is going to be ready for when he goes to hell.

Osama bin Laden released a new audio tape criticizing the US for the effect of Global Warming. Apparently, it is getting too hot for Al-Qaeda when they burn American flags.

During the Miss America Pageant, Rush Limbaugh impressed all the judges when he danced frantically to a Lady Gaga song. Everyone was having fun until they realized Rush wasn’t dancing, he was having another heart attack.

A man posted an ad offering his left testicle for Super Bowl tickets. John Edwards was interested, he needed an extra one to go and have babies with other mistresses without being afraid they’d carry his DNA.

A man posted an ad offering his left testicle for Super Bowl tickets. If he offers the other one as well, Tiger might be interested; apparently his wife cut both of his testicles after she found he had cheated.

A man posted an ad offering his left testicle for Super Bowl tickets. What a ballsy move!

There’s a new type of morning-after pill that is still effective 5 days after you had sex. It is going to be quite popular; it gives women more time to investigate if the guy really has that much money or if he was just lying when he said it.

There’s a new type of morning-after pill that is still effective 5 days after you had sex. But, until the pill is effective for 2 years after you had sex, John Edwards is not interested.

Emmy-winning actor Rip Torn was arrested Saturday for allegedly breaking into a bank. Unfortunately, police couldn’t catch the guy that was driving the getaway car: Nicolas Cage.

Emmy-winning actor Rip Torn was arrested Saturday for allegedly breaking into a Connecticut bank and carrying a loaded handgun while intoxicated. He must have been really wasted to think he was going to find money in a bank.

Lady Gaga performed at the Grammy’s with Elton John. There are still people that believe she is a man, and next to Elton John she definitely looked like one.

Rolling Stones guitarist Ronnie Wood checked himself into rehab for the 8th time. One more punch on his rehab card and he gets his 10th entrance for free.

Miss Virginia Caressa Cameron is our new Miss America. She is the first African American to win since 2005. Harry Reid said she deserved it because she was light-skinned, and with no Negro accent.

A pastor in Connecticut threatened his son with a gun because he wasn’t attending church. What a way to scare the hell out of him.

The former John Edwards’ aid that has an alleged sex tape of the former candidate and his mistress says that tape is in a place where nobody can see it. Apparently, they are running it 24/7 in NBC.

CBS has rejected a Super Bowl ad submitted by a gay dating Web site that shows two male football fans making out. They are right; we have enough gays with the announcers of the game talking about the tight end opened getting ready for a deep penetration.

January 31st 2010

2010-01-31T11:58:00.000-08:00

Hillary Clinton did not attend the State of the Union Address. Next time she’d better come up with a better excuse. Everybody at the White House laughed when she claimed she couldn’t go because she had a romantic dinner with Bill.

The Menifee School District in Southern California removed dictionaries from classrooms after a parent complained when a child found the term "oral sex." Sorry but this story sucks!

The Menifee School District in Southern California removed dictionaries from classrooms after a parent complained when a child found the term "oral sex." Fortunately for the teens, teachers are willing to teach that term without the use of any books.

Because of the economy, fewer women are going blonde. It is so hard to find blondes; even Fox is hiring brunettes like Sarah Palin.

Navy doctors on the USNS Comfort; a floating hospital docked off the coast of Haiti, put out a call requesting breast milk donations to help Haiti. And a moved John Edwards said today he is willing to help pumping and collecting all the samples.

James Cameron says that "Avatar" has a "political subtext." He is right, anything that looks good to the eye, like his 3D movie, no matter how lame the script is, will succeed, just like in politics.

Two Michigan men claim that "Pants on the Ground" was stolen from a song they wrote in 1996. Maybe if they didn’t have their pants on the ground they wouldn’t have gotten screwed.

A study said that the city that has the most depressing local news is Boston, especially this year if you are a hardcore Democrat who hates the Yankees.

A dentist left a piece of a drill in the head of a woman for 11 months. And even worse; she also got the stupid music they play at the reception stuck there as well.

The U.N. Population Fund says that condom use battles global warming. I told you Sarah Palin and her family don’t believe in Global Warming.

A man was arrested at a Wal-Mart in Canton, Ohio for urinating on steaks. Or as R-Kelly calls it: Steak Sauce.

Argentina’s president recommended pork as an alternative to Viagra Wednesday. It is true; we know how aroused politicians get when they pork in congress.

Paul Shirley, a former NBA PLAYER, said Haitians should "use a condom once in a while". How does he know about condoms? He is NBA player!

Steven Tyler sang two songs over the loudspeaker while shopping at a Home Depot in L.A. He also bumped into the other members of Aerosmith that were at Home Depot picking up new singers for the band.

January 29th 2010

2010-01-29T12:09:00.000-08:00

President Obama tried to use last night's State of the Union Address as an opportunity to reconnect with the middle class. Why waste any air time? The middle class in America is so small he could have called those 3 people on the phone.

During the State of the Union Address, President Obama promised to use 2010 to focus on creating jobs. I believe him, he’ll get jobs for Americans, especially if you are a Republican and you are running against a Democrat in any 2010 election.

President Obama said he is rooting for the Saints in the next Super Bowl. If I were a Colts fan I would start celebrating because if it goes for the Saints like it went for the Democratic candidates Obama backed in the last 3 elections, the Saints are screwed…

Newly-elected Massachusetts Senator Scott Brown will be on Jay Leno's show tonight. Meanwhile, I heard David Letterman has requested his daughters.

Around 11 of the chimpanzees at the Edinburgh Zoo in England were given a camera to film themselves. And today NBC executives made an offer to buy the footage and include it in their primetime lineup.

Around 11 of the chimpanzees at the Edinburgh Zoo in England were given a camera to film themselves. It is a new reality show called NBC Executives.

President Obama wants a three year spending freeze. You mean like the one Pelosi has on her face?

John Edwards and his wife have reportedly legally separated. They are supposed to split 50/50; they will get one America each.

John Edwards and his wife Elizabeth are now legally separated. John is devastated; during the settlement he is supposed to give 50% of all his hair care products to her.

Portland Trail Blazers center Greg Oden is apologizing for nude photos of him that have surfaced on the internet. I saw the pictures and I finally understand why his knees are always injured. His junk probably keeps on hitting against them all the time.

Portland Trail Blazers center Greg Oden is apologizing for frontal nude photos of him that have surfaced on the internet. I don’t want to say he is well endowed, but Bin Laden is trying to recruit him to hide a missile in his underpants.

Portland Trail Blazers center Greg Oden is apologizing for frontal nude photos of him that have surfaced on the internet. I’m tired of these athletes jumping on the bandwagon of Pants on the ground.

Steve Jobs unveiled yesterday the new Apple Tablet called the i-Pad. You know that Microsoft will try to launch a better product like they did with the Zune and will come up with their own version: The Maxi-Pad... it has wings!

I like the i-Pad, but I think it is kind of big. Do you have an i-pad in your pocket or are you just happy to see me? The i-Pad is not practical… only to be used once a month.

I already hate the i-Pad; my wife told me the other day that she was not going to have sex with me because she was with the i-Pad.

Researchers at Stanford University are developing a car that doesn't require a driver. That’s a nice present to one of his best former students: Tiger Woods.

A study found that children in the UK, as young as 11, were consuming almost two bottles of wine a week. Would you blame them? You don’t have your mom forcing you to eat that horrible food?

Paul Davies, a physicist from Arizona State University, believes that alien life may already be living among us. Has this guy been in California? It is flooded with aliens and they are mostly illegals.

Paul Davies, a physicist from Arizona State University, believes that alien life may already be living among us. Lou Dobbs has been fighting them for years.

A study says that children who are ambidextrous are more likely to develop mental problems. Apparently, it drives them crazy to decide which hand to use to please themselves.

The US teen pregnancy rate rose in 2006 for the first time in 16 years. I guess this time Democrats will be finally right if they blame Bush.

After Obama's State Of The Union speech last night, Chris Matthews said he forgot Obama was black while he was watching it.He shouldn't worry about it, Rush Limbaugh will remind him of that every day.

January 27th 2010

2010-01-27T12:45:00.000-08:00

Jay Leno is going to appear on Oprah. I doubt he is going to jump on Oprah’s couch professing his love for NBC. I’m glad Oprah didn’t invite Letterman because, if he’s going to start jumping on the couch to profess his love for his mistresses, it’ll take a week.

Jay Leno's been booked to host this year's White House Correspondent's Dinner. It was supposed to start at 10 PM, but it was moved to 11:35 now.

A woman in Georgia made her son kill his pet hamster with a hammer after he got bad grades in school. Don’t worry; the kid is so dumb, he played “You can’t touch this” to the hamster for hours and the pet is still fine.

An environmental group in Michigan called The Ecology Center says that the "new car" smell can kill you. So, it is official; GM and Chrysler have not killed anybody in a couple of years.

The value of the White House has reportedly dropped in the past year by 5.1%. Real Estate agents are stupid; this is the time to raise the price of the White House; Republicans would pay anything to get back in there!

A new study says that one day humans will be able to reach 35 or even 40 miles per hour, especially if they're being chased by an aroused Andy Dick.

The clinic in Mississippi where Tiger Woods is rehabilitating is said to be using fake tigers to fool the media. The reporters became suspicious when they saw one of the doubles hitting on a black woman.

The clinic in Mississippi where Tiger Woods is rehabilitating is said to be using fake tigers to fool the media. So if you are a waitress in Vegas and had sex this weekend with the hope you were doing Tiger, sorry... keep on working.

President Obama tells ABC News' Diane Sawyer that he'd rather be a "really good one term president" than a "mediocre two term president." And Republicans immediately offered their help to make Obama’s wish come true.

A man in Arizona found his neighbor having sex with his dog. The neighbor’s wife was surprised, especially because her husband told her he’d be in the LAB.

A man in Arizona found his neighbor having sex with his dog. I know Conan is not allowed to see Triumph anymore, but this is too much.

A man in Arizona found his neighbor having sex with his dog. Come on! He was just throwing the dog a bone.

Gawker.com reported yesterday there’s a sex tape of former senator John Edwards having sex with his former mistress Rielle Hunter. It is not that exciting; Edwards stops having sex every two seconds to ask for a make-up and hair artists.

President Obama welcomed the Los Angeles Lakers and their families to the White House yesterday. You know, Biden usually gets the unpleasant jobs; he had to welcome the Clippers.

President Obama welcomed the Los Angeles Lakers and their families to the White House yesterday. All the basketball players love him, especially when they heard that Obama wants to double the childcare tax credit.

January 26th 2010

2010-01-26T11:58:00.000-08:00

NBC is looking for programming to fill the 10 PM slot now that Leno has moved to 11:35. They have tons of offers; I heard there’s a guy pitching a great and spicy script of a married TV host that likes to bang his interns.

The media is reporting that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are legally separating. Lawyers believe they are gonna split everything 50/50… 50 kids each…

Things are getting worse for the poor little kids in Haiti; not only did they suffer an Earthquake, but now they have to suffer the humiliation of wearing the Vikings and Jets Super Bowl Jerseys.

NFL officials are really concerned now that Brett Favre is out of the Super Bowl. He was the only player old enough to know who The Who are.

The good thing for Brett Favre about being that old is that he probably already forgot what happened yesterday.

Mississippi police is going to beef up security at the clinic where Tiger Woods is rehabilitating. Apparently, they want to protect Tiger from the paparazzos, and the nurses from Tiger.

The All-American Basketball Alliance announced earlier this week its plan to launch a whites-only basketball league because they feel white are minorities in the NBA. Shouldn’t someone launch a Non-steroid baseball league then?

The All-American Basketball Alliance announced earlier this week its plan to launch a whites-only basketball team. Finally a chance for Rush Limbaugh to become the owner of a sports team!

Fox News was the only News network that didn't broadcast the Hope for Haiti benefit show. Fox didn't need to do it; they already did a lot for Haiti; if Pat Robertson was right, Fox News helped Haiti to get rid of the French.

Former senator John Edwards is said to have gone to Haiti to escape the media after he admitted to having fathered a child out of wedlock. You have to give Edwards some credit for the sacrifice; you know how bad the Haitian weather is for his hair at this time of the year?

Osama Bin Laden released a new audio tape where he claims responsibility for the terrorist attempt in Christmas. You can see he is desperate to be relevant again because at the end of the tape he performs his own version of “Pants on the ground.”

Osama Bin Laden released a new audio tape where he claims responsibility for the terrorist attempt in Christmas. You can see he is desperate to be relevant again because at the end of the tape he says he is with team Coco.

Andy Dick was arrested Saturday in West Virginia for grouping two men at a bar. The good news is that if his career as a comedian ends, he can always work as an airport screener.

Andy Dick was arrested Saturday in West Virginia for grouping two men at a bar. According to his lawyer, he was just being patriotic and checking it they had any bombs hidden in their underwear.

A new study suggests that running can improve your memory, hopefully in time to remember you are running because you were caught having sex with your friend’s wife.

A new study suggests that running can improve your memory. Apparently, the study doesn’t apply to Obama because he ran for president and forgot all the promises he made during the campaign.

A report by USA Today suggests that sex on TV has increased dramatically. It is true; in the last two weeks we saw how NBC screwed Leno and Conan on national TV and the FCC didn’t do anything about it.

Carrie Underwood and her hockey player fiancé have yet to set a wedding date. They are calculating food for almost 500 guests, actually 400 and Randy Jackson…

Chelsea Clinton raised over $60,000 for Haiti by hosting a 90-minute spin class. And you know that Bill raised something while looking at some of the hot women wearing spandex.

January 24th 2010

2010-01-24T09:43:00.000-08:00

As part of his sex-rehab therapy, Tiger Woods is supposed to apologize to all the people he hurt. I know that there are rumors he was well endowed, but aren’t we exaggerating a little?

As part of his sex-rehab therapy, Tiger Woods is going to have a disclosure day where he will have to apologize to his wife and friends for his sexual indiscretions. Actually, considering the number, it might have to be a disclosure week, because one day won’t be enough if he has to name all of the mistresses.

The editor of the National Enquirer says he intends to submit his tabloid's coverage of former U.S. Sen. John Edwards' sex scandal for a Pulitzer Prize. Say whatever you want, but nobody ever thought Obama was going to win a Nobel Prize.

A man is suing British Airlines for branding all men as sexual predators because of a new policy the airline has implemented which does not allow minors to be seated next to unfamiliar adult males. Sorry, but if you are an adult and you are fighting to be seated next to a kid on a plane, you have to be a perv. Who would enjoy sitting on a flight next to an annoying, screaming kid?

A man is suing British Airlines for branding all men as sexual predators because of a new policy the airline instituted which does not allow minors to be seated next to unfamiliar adult males. He would have a case, if his name wasn’t Roman Polanski…

According to the New York Times, despite all the hacking threats, most people use very easy passwords to crack. I use one that never fails: Bin Laden, because nobody can find it.

A 300-pound woman in Cleveland got three years' probation because she sat on her 120-pound boyfriend and killed him. Prosecutors couldn’t get a longer sentence because they couldn’t remove the evidence out of her ass.

A 300-pound woman in Cleveland got three years' probation because she sat on her 120-pound boyfriend and killed him. Mmmm now I get it… my wife has been putting on a lot of weight lately.

There's a new app called "Nude It" which shows what people would look like naked. Or you can save the money and wait for the body scanners at the airport.

Cindy McCain and her daughter Meghan both support gay marriage now. John McCain is mad; he said marriage was intended to be between Adam and Eve, and he knows about that because he was invited to their wedding.

John Edwards visited Haiti to do relief work. And today Haitians contacted Satan to see if they could do a new pact to get rid of him.

A report says that wars are less deadly than they used to be. That’s why Dick Cheney wants to compensate by having more wars.

John Edwards admitted to being the father of his baby daughter. Apparently, he wants to pimp her in the future like Scott Brown is doing with his two daughters.

A picture of Madonna and her naked boyfriend appeared online yesterday. And today Republicans called Madonna and asked if her boyfriend would be interested in running for a senate seat.

A picture of Madonna and her naked boyfriend appeared online yesterday. So far, not so many people dared look at the photo; they are afraid it could be considered child pornography.

January 22nd 2010

2010-01-22T12:07:00.000-08:00

AskMen.com has released its annual list of the 99 Most Desirable Women. Unfortunately, Mo’nique lost by a hair, or lots…

Heavy rainstorms continue to pound L.A. It is raining so much Conan is taking his staff back to New York in Noah’s Ark.

During the victory speech, Scott Brown said to the entire country that his two daughters were available. And he got texted immediately by Levi Johnston.

According to a report in the Augusta Chronicle, a whites-only basketball league aims to launch in twelve cities this summer. That gives finally a chance for Rush Limbaugh to become the owner of a sports team.

According to a report in the Augusta Chronicle, a whites-only basketball league aims to launch in twelve cities this summer. It’ll be hard to distinguish the players with their white uniforms and their hoods on.

According to a report in the Augusta Chronicle, a whites-only basketball league aims to launch in twelve cities this summer. It won’t work in America; the games are likely to have less scoring than soccer.

According to a report in the Augusta Chronicle, a whites-only basketball league aims to launch in twelve cities this summer. After he read about this, Al Sharpton decided to launch a blacks-only Hockey league.

Holiday Inns in Britain are going to start offering guests free *human* bed-warming service. Real people will climb under the sheets for five minutes while you brush your teeth and get ready for bed. It can’t fail; so now when your wife catches you with someone in bed, you tell her the other woman was a bed warmer.

President Obama's approval rating has dropped 17 points since his inauguration. So now NBC wants to hire him to host the Tonight Show.

A man in Scotland has been banned from a public park after he allegedly tried to have sex with a tree. Apparently, he was desperate for some wood.

A man has been banned from a public park after he allegedly tried to have sex with a tree. Apparently, the first couple of days in sex rehab are the hardest to handle for Tiger.

A man has been banned from a public park after he allegedly tried to have sex with a tree. I totally agree, look how bad it went for the country when someone decided to have sex with a Bush.

Health experts say sitting for long periods of time could be deadly. Isn’t it a coincidence the study showed up just when Scott Brown won the Massachusetts seat?

Scientists have been able to turn stem cells into pork. Apparently, the Health Care bill is full of stem cell.

January 21st 2010

2010-01-21T12:04:00.000-08:00

The White House says President Obama's first priority right now is to create jobs. He’s got plenty of openings in the Democratic Party after yesterday’s loss in Massachusetts.

Nancy Pelosi said yesterday that Congress will pass healthcare reform regardless of the Massachusetts results, especially now that most Democrats will need medical attention to deal with yesterday’s defeat.

New Jersey became the 14th state to allow medical marijuana use. Doctors in New Jersey will prescribe it to Nets fans to deal with their pain.

New Jersey became the 14th state to allow medical marijuana use. Doctors in New Jersey will prescribe it to people living there to deal with their pain.

Tiger Woods may return to the PGA Tour in the spring .He wants to win again; he is tired of getting beat at home by his wife.

Tiger Woods may return to the PGA Tour in the spring. Rumors started circulating after he was heard saying he can’t wait to leave sex rehab to go back to the 18 holes.

A Singapore nightclub is said to be providing drinks to women according to the cup size of their bra: B-cups two drinks, D-cups a bottle of vodka and bigger than that a diet soda.

A Singapore nightclub is said to be providing drinks to women according to the cup size of their bra. As if they needed the bar to give them free booze… guys would do it anyway.

A Singapore nightclub is said to be providing drinks to women according to the cup size of their bra: B-cups two drinks, D-cups a bottle of vodka and bigger than that a lot of alcohol for the guy that takes them to bed.

France accused the US of occupying Haiti. Come on, like they have any oil there, why would we do that?

Ratings for the three-hour Golden Globes broadcast were 14% higher than last year. With these good ratings now the broadcast is likely to be cancelled by NBC…

Ratings for the three-hour Golden Globes broadcast were 14% higher than last year, but just because people wanted to see Mariah Carey’s Golden Globes.

There's a new iPhone app called iTrust that lets you know if your girlfriend or boyfriend has been trying to look through your phone. But if you use the app, shouldn’t it be called iDon’t-trust then?

Hollywood is producing “Bad Boys 3”. This time the Bad Boys are played by Pat Robertson and Rush Limbaugh.

"New York Post" reported yesterday that Kim Kardashian is going to get an engagement ring if her boyfriend, Reggie Bush, gets a Super Bowl ring. I guess we now know that Sunday the Vikings will win after Reggie mysteriously fumbles every pass he gets.

January 20th 2010

2010-01-20T05:33:00.000-08:00

President Obama asked George W. Bush to help with relief efforts in Haiti. As if Haitians didn’t have enough suffering with the Earthquake.

David Blaine did street magic for 72 hours in New York City to raise money for Haiti. Actually, the one doing real magic for Haiti was Wyclef Jean; I’ve heard he made money disappear!

Yesterday was "Blue Monday," considered by many in the scientific community to be the worst day of the year. And today is blue Tuesday… if you are a Democrat in Massachusetts.

Yesterday was "Blue Monday," considered by many in the scientific community to be the worst day of the year, eEspecially if you are a Dallas or Arizona fan.

According to a recent study, one in ten Americans did not get enough sleep on any night in the past 30 days. Apparently, they didn’t go to see the latest Jackie Chan Movie.

Brett Favre sung “Pants on the ground” after Sunday’s victory. It should have been Tony Romo singing it; after all, his pants were the ones on the ground throughout the entire game.

Tomorrow is Obama’s first year anniversary as president. Remember when a year ago he promised change? He made that promise good, because a year ago, everybody was a Democrat and now…

Tomorrow is Obama’s first year anniversary as president. You can see the year took its toll on the President’s image; he went from black, to light skinned.

Republican Scott Brown won the elections in Massachusetts despite the fact that 20 years ago he was a nude model. Apparently, people voted for him anyway because, if this time we are gonna get screwed as usual, at least we’ll know with what.

According to a survey by the U.S. Census Bureau, the average American man between the ages of 15 and 44 has had sex with 5.4 partners. I have to thank Tiger for pushing the average up, because I can barely claim to have one partner.

A thief in Seattle died while he was trying to steal some guy’s wallet. Apparently, he needed the money to buy the farm.

A study by researchers at the University of California at Berkeley, determined that the hotter the woman is, the meaner she turns. And today I’d like to nominate Susan Boyle for the Nobel Peace Prize.

Glen Bell, who founded Taco Bell in 1962, has died at the age of 86, and to honor him, today there’s going to be a 21-fart salute.

Glen Bell, who founded Taco Bell in 1962, has died at the age of 86. He left a huge legacy: millions and millions of fat Americans.

New York City's skinniest house at less than ten feet wide has sold for $2.1 Million, probably bought by a fat celebrity that just wants to brag she can fit there.

A man in North Carolina celebrated his 77th birthday by biking 77 miles. Hopefully, he gets to be a 100 so he can finish the 77 miles.

President Bush praised Obama for his response to the situation in Haiti. Unfortunately, with the wrong choice of words: “Brownie you’re doing a heckuva job.”

January 19th 2010

2010-01-19T10:08:00.000-08:00

Tiger Woods is said to have entered a clinic for sex rehab. Come on Tiger! I can save you the hassle. Just put on 150lbs, give away all your money, and let’s see if you can screw any other chick anymore.

David Letterman said he wants to help Conan O’ Brian. Apparently, he is willing to have sex with all of Conan’s female staff members.

The Doomsday Clock has been set back 1 minute. In moving the clock from 5 minutes before midnight to 6 minutes before midnight, scientists expressed optimism for humanity's future. Are you sure? Have these scientist watched Glen Beck and Sarah Palin together on Fox News?

Doomsday Clock was moved back one minute from five-minutes-to-midnight to six-minutes-to-midnight. And still… Conan doesn’t want to take that time slot.

TV evangelist Pat Robertson said Haiti was cursed because when they were a French colony, they made a pact with the Devil to get rid of the French. “I didn’t sign any pact with them,” said Dick Cheney.

Televangelist Pat Robertson said Haiti was cursed because when they were a French colony, they made a pact with the Devil to get rid of the French. Come on Pat! You know you’re lying. You don’t need a pact with the devil to beat the French!

Republicans want to implement the strategy that helped them win in 1994 and believe that like in 1994 it is “Time for another Contract with America”. Wrong time to talk about contracts, especially after what NBC did with the Leno’s and Conan’s contracts.

The Transportation Security Administration says screeners at a small airport in Montana inadvertently allowed a passenger with a firearm in his carryon luggage through security last month. They probably got star struck when they saw such a great NBA basketball player, like Gilbert Arenas, visiting such a small town.

According to Newsweek, the number of cases reported in male-on-male sexual harassment is rising. The increase is mostly noticeable among keyboard players that joined Adam Lambert’s band.

A Manhattan plastic surgeon will donate all the proceeds from Botox and fillers to Haiti relief efforts on January 20. He expects to raise a fortune considering that that day Nancy Pelosi is her patient.

A man in Alaska used duct tape to fix his airplane after it was attacked by a bunch of bears. Nothing new… Southwest Airlines has been using duct tape to fix their planes for decades.

Tiger Woods may donate $3 million for earthquake relief in Haiti. It is a way to pay them back for grabbing the headlines and making people forget about him for a while.

In an interview with People magazine, Obama said that Tiger Woods can rehabilitate his life despite all the affairs. Why would they ask Obama about that? If they wanted an expert opinion they should have asked Bill Clinton.

January 17th 2010

2010-01-17T09:46:00.000-08:00

Tiger Woods is undergoing rehab treatment in a sex clinic in Mississippi. . Come on Tiger! I can save you the hassle. Just put on 150lbs, give away all your money, and let’s see if you can screw any other chick anymore.

David Letterman said he wants to help Conan O’ Brian. Apparently, he is willing to have sex with all of Conan’s female staff members.

The Doomsday Clock has been set back 1 minute. In moving the clock from 5 minutes before midnight to 6 minutes before midnight, scientists expressed optimism for humanity's future. Are you sure? Have these scientist watched Glen Beck and Sarah Palin together on Fox News?

Doomsday Clock was moved back one minute from five-minutes-to-midnight to six-minutes-to-midnight. And still… Conan doesn’t want to take that time slot.

TV evangelist Pat Robertson said Haiti was cursed because when they were a French colony, they made a pact with the Devil to get rid of the French. “I didn’t sign any pact with them,” said Dick Cheney.

Televangelist Pat Robertson said Haiti was cursed because when they were a French colony, they made a pact with the Devil to get rid of the French. Come on Pat! You know you’re lying. You don’t need a pact with the devil to beat the French!

Republicans want to implement the strategy that helped them win in 1994 and believe that like in 1994 it is “Time for another Contract with America”. Wrong time to talk about contracts, especially after what NBC did with the Leno’s and Conan’s contracts.

The Transportation Security Administration says screeners at a small airport in Montana inadvertently allowed a passenger with a firearm in his carryon luggage through security last month. They probably got star struck when they saw such a great NBA basketball player, like Gilbert Arenas, visiting such a small town.

According to Newsweek, the number of cases reported in male-on-male sexual harassment is rising. The increase is mostly noticeable among keyboard players that joined Adam Lambert’s band.

A Manhattan plastic surgeon will donate all the proceeds from Botox and fillers to Haiti relief efforts on January 20. He expects to raise a fortune considering that that day Nancy Pelosi is her patient.

A man in Alaska used duct tape to fix his airplane after it was attacked by a bunch of bears. Nothing new… Southwest Airlines has been using duct tape to fix their planes for decades.

Tiger Woods may donate $3 million for earthquake relief in Haiti. It is a way to pay them back for grabbing the headlines and making people forget about him for a while.

In an interview with People magazine, Obama said that Tiger Woods can rehabilitate his life despite all the affairs. Why would they ask Obama about that? If they wanted an expert opinion they should have asked Bill Clinton.

January 15th 2010

2010-01-15T04:29:00.000-08:00

A website reports that Jay Leno is considering walking away; leaving NBC without Jay or Conan. And as if that wasn’t bad enough for NBC; Fallon and Carson Daily are staying.

President Obama is asking for $33 billion to fund the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq. And today Dick Cheney suggested attacking Iran first to get the money there.

A musical about the election of Barack Obama premieres in Germany this weekend. It is expected to be very popular the first couple of weeks and then completely ignored by everybody.

Pope Benedict met and forgave the woman who knocked him down on Christmas Eve. So now the Saint Louis Rams won’t feel guilty when they sign her for the next season.

A sheep in Turkey gave birth to a lamb with a human face. You can imagine the uncomfortable situation when the husband sheep was in the delivery room next to the owner of the farm.

A sheep in Turkey gave birth to a lamb with a human face. The worst part, the lamb looks like Tiger Woods.

AOL is laying off 1,200 employees. Only half of them know about it yet, those who have Comcast as an internet provider.

A Brides Magazine employee was fired for showing her new breast implants to friends at work. Apparently she didn’t show them to her boss.

A Brides Magazine employee was fired for showing her new breast implants to friends at work. They must have been horrible…

Scientists will reset the Doomsday Clock" to show us whether they think the humanity is getting closer or further from total annihilation. They think it is obviously getting closer considering Sarah Palin is on TV.

According to a survey, president Obama and his family topped a poll of the Most Desirable Neighbors in America. But just because people know that if Obama lives next to you, you are guaranteed not to have Joe Biden nearby.

According to a survey, president Obama and his family topped a poll of the Most Desirable Neighbors in America. But just because you can show up to all his parties uninvited and security wouldn’t even notice it.

According to a new report, the number of bird and plane collisions has increased tremendously. Birds are worry and are now demanding Airlines implement a stricter control on FUY.. Flying Under the Influence.

A company called Vivus is coming up with a pill like Viagra that just acts in 15 minutes. Perfect, now Rush won’t have to wait that long for the heart attack.

A guy was arrested at a restaurant in Seattle Washington after he was caught fondling himself while looking at the waitress. Apparently she took a peek and it was not going to be a big tip.

Hugh Hefner admitted today that he is back down to only one girlfriend. And you thought the bad economy only affected you.

January 14th 2010

2010-01-14T04:49:00.000-08:00

Researchers say that watching hours of TV could shorten your lifespan. Now Democrats are saying they don’t want to broadcast the Health Care debate in CSpan because they want America to live longer.

Researchers say that watching hours of TV could shorten your lifespan, especially if you are an Obama supporter and you watch Fox News.

A new report found that people who consume the most alcohol in the world live in Ireland. The survey is said to be flawed because it was done the day David Hasselhoff was visiting.

Did you notice that this week Mark McGwire admitted taking steroids; Palin signed with Fox; Jayson Williams pleaded guilty? I think I know why they all used this time to break the news. Tonight show hosts are so busy pocking fun at each other in their monologues, that they don't have time to make jokes about anything else...

According to a research by the University of Oxford in England, having a big butt can help reduce the risk of heart disease, especially because of all the aerobics you do running from black athletes.

According to a research by the University of Oxford in England, having a big butt can help reduce the risk of heart disease. So now I believe Rush Limbaugh when he says his heart is very healthy, because he is such a big ass!

According to a research by the University of Oxford in England, having a big butt can help reduce the risk of heart disease. I guess the Kardashians will live to be a 120 then.

Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig issued a statement saying that use of steroids era is over. Manny Ramirez couldn’t stop crying when he heard the report, but just because the women’s fertility drugs make him very emotional.

Conan O’ Brian might be leaving NBC to go to Fox. Analyst came up to that conclusion because in his latest monologues he started trashing the Obama administration.

"People" magazine says Tiger Woods has checked in “The Meadows” an upscale clinic in Arizona, to be treated for sex addiction. Apparently, the clinic wants to avoid any temptations so they surrounded Tiger with only black female nurses.

Jan Gabriel, the announcer best known for the "Sunday! Sunday! Sunday!" monster truck rally commercials, died at the age of 69. The funeral starts this Friday, Friday Friday!

One of the Mexican drug cartels sawed the face of a rival onto a soccer ball. Apparently, they did it for no reason, just because they got a kick out of it.

Following the release of her book, Sarah Palin has now signed to be a contributor to Fox News. Who says that you can’t succeed economically during the Obama Administration? Ahh, Sarah Palin…

Some people complained of headaches after having seen the 3D movie Avatar. But the migraines pale in comparison to the ones I get when I hear people debating Avatar.

January 13th 2010

2010-01-13T17:54:00.000-08:00

Longtime "American Idol" judge Simon Cowell announced he’ll be leaving the popular Fox talent show at the end of the season. In a way, I’m kind of happy. I don’t think I want to see Simon’s nipples when 3D TV arrives.

Southwest Airlines tops the list of the best places to work, especially if you are a pilot; I’ve heard they let you drink at work.

Former homerun king Mark McGwire finally admitted yesterday that he used steroids for almost a decade. Wow, that is almost as shocking as Adam Lambert’s admission that he was gay!

Mark McGwire finally admitted yesterday that he used steroids for almost a decade. Other players suspected of taking steroids got a little nervous; for instance, Sammy Sosa went pale!

Mark McGwire finally admitted yesterday that he used steroids for almost a decade. Apparently, he knew the truth was going to come out, especially with the new body scanners, everybody will know how shrunk his testicles are.

Former NBA star Jayson Williams has pleaded guilty to aggravated assault and agreed to serve at least 18 months in prison. He would rather spend some time locked up than having to go back and play for the New Jersey Nets.

Today is Rush Limbaugh’s birthday. I guess we know which wish he is going to ask for before blowing the candles.

Fox signed Sarah Palin. I thought they had already found a replacement for Paula Abdul.

Sarah Palin signed a multi-year deal to be a contributor to Fox News. And today the sales of DVR’s went to the roof; every comedian in America bought one.

Fox News signed Sarah Palin. She is expected to start next month, and quit soon afterwards.

Sarah Palin believed that Sen. John McCain chose her to be his running mate in 2008 because of "God's plan.” Apparently, God is heavy into comedy.

A new book revealed that people inside the McCain campaign, including the senator, thought that Sarah Palin was dumb and mentally unstable. And now we know why Fox News hired her.

The elderly in Scotland are burning books to stay warm during the cold weather. Ironically, they are burning copies of Al Gore’s “The Inconvenient Truth.”

An explosive new book about the 2008 U.S. presidential campaign alleges that former president Bill Clinton once said that president Obama would have been serving them coffee a couple of years before... unlike now that we have Latinos for that.

According to a recent study, it would take nine hours of vigorous sex to burn off the calories of six chicken McNuggets. Now, the problem is trying to convince your girl to have sex after taking her for a date to McDonalds.

Fox announced that the show "Glee" has been picked up for a second season. Finally a smile on Ryan Seacrest’s face after the devastating news that Simon Cowell was leaving American Idol.

Longtime "American Idol" judge Simon Cowell announced he’ll be leaving the popular Fox talent show at the end of the season. Apparently, he wanted to spend more time criticizing his family.

January 12th 2010

2010-01-12T10:54:00.000-08:00

The underwear bomber suspect plead "not guilty". Apparently, the lawyer is going to use a very old but successful defense: if the underwear doesn’t fit, you must acquit.

During a speech about security, President Obama said that the buck stops with him. He is right; after he became president nobody has seen a buck anymore...

Fox is allegedly trying to snatch Conan O’ Brian from NBC. Conan is showing signs he might like the move; in his last monologue he didn’t stop trashing Obama.

A new research finds that men who have sex at least twice a week can almost halve their risk of heart disease. There’s no doubt my wife is trying to kill me then.

A new research finds that men who have sex at least twice a week can almost halve their risk of heart disease. I wonder if I can take matters in my own hands.

A new research finds that men who have sex at least twice a week can almost halve their risk of heart disease. Tiger Woods is going to live to be 120 then.

NBC is taking Jay Leno out of the 10:00 P.M. hour because they want to reinstate some scripted dramas. More drama that the one they created lately with Leno, Conan and Fallon?

NBC has decided to move Jay Leno out of the 10:00 P.M. hour. Fortunately, Jay can deal with all these silly decisions the network is making; he can take a punch or two in the chin.

Disney is ending "Hannah Montana" after the upcoming season. It seems things are getting worse and worse for Roman Polanski.

Tea Party activists are calling for a nationwide strike on the anniversary of President Obama's inauguration. It is a safe bet; most Americans won’t go to work on that day, but just because they are unemployed.

A new book revealed that Senate Democratic leader Harry Reid said that Barack Obama could win the White House because Obama was a "light skinned" African-American with no Negro dialect. Even Tara Reid looks smarter that Harry Reid now.

A new book revealed that Senate Democratic leader Harry Reid said that Barack Obama could win the White House because Obama was a "light skinned" African-American with no Negro dialect. And today Sammy Sosa announced his candidacy for 2012.

Sarah Palin believed that Sen. John McCain chose her to be his running mate in 2008 because of "God's plan.” Apparently, God planned for Democrats to win.

Jack Nicklaus said that it will be difficult for Tiger Woods to break Nicklaus' record of 18 major titles if he skips 2010. But with more time in his hands, it’ll be easier for Tiger to break Wilt Chamberlain’s record of sleeping with more than 20,000 women.

A study says that red wine fights tooth decay. Unfortunately, you still lose your teeth when you get drunk and fight at a bar.

A Boeing employee was busted for trying to hire somebody to kill his wife. As a Boeing employee, he should have known that that was not going to fly.

January 9th 2009

2010-01-09T10:39:00.000-08:00

President Obama said in a speech yesterday that we need to "keep dangerous people off airplanes." I guess, from now onwards, Charlie Sheen is driving everywhere then.

A legal brothel in Nevada got county approval Tuesday to be the first to hire male prostitutes. It is not going to work, why would a woman in Vegas pay for sex if they can always get Tiger Woods to do it for free?

A naked male jogger was nabbed outside the White House yesterday. Apparently, Bill Clinton’s New Year resolution was to lose some weight.

Researchers discovered that radiation from cell phones may reverse Alzheimer's disease. Awesome! People will now be able to remember that they got cancer from the radiation from the cell phones.

Researchers discovered that radiation from cell phones may reverse Alzheimer's disease. Perfect! People will now be able to remember to hide their mistresses’ compromising text messages from their wives.

There’s a new movement which preaches that it’s ok to be chubby. It’s called “Fat Acceptance Movement.” Already a contradiction in the name; Fat and Movement can’t go together.

A dog in Australia got a face lift and a double eye lift. He looks great, like 70 dog years younger!

A new poll named France as the best country in the world to live. It is true; look at Roman Polanski; he’ll do anything to go back there!

Mariah Carey was drunk when she accepted the Breakout Actress award at the Palm Springs International Film Festival. But even drunker than her were those who chose her as the best breakout actress!

Pamela Anderson has reportedly split with Jamie Padgett, the electrician she'd been dating. Ironically, she’ll be forced to go back to the batteries now.

A man is going to prison for ten years after being given the maximum sentence for stealing meat at a supermarket in South Carolina. He won’t need to do that in jail. He’ll get plenty of meat offers there and for free!

Katie Couric turned 53 yesterday. Ironically 53 is the same number of people that are watching her in the news lately.

A man in England who got his penis stuck in a steel pipe had to be cut free by firefighters. You know that the pipe was asking for it.

A man in England who got his penis stuck in a steel pipe had to be cut free by firefighters. You can’t blame him, it was a laying pipe.

January 8th 2010

2010-01-08T18:23:00.000-08:00

According to a book written by one of Bin Laden’s sons, Osama banned laughter in his home. Apparently, the only show the family was allowed to watch was The Carson Daily Show.

According to a book written by one of Bin Laden’s sons, his dad tested poison gas on their family pets. It is a pity we can’t find him, because I’m sure the Philadelphia Eagles might want to sign him.

Gilbert Arenas has been suspended indefinitely from professional basketball. So maybe he can play for the New Jersey Nets now.

Hanesbrands has ended its advertising campaign featuring Charlie Sheen. They already have new people in mind: Tiger Woods and the Underwear bomber!

Hanesbrands has ended its advertising campaign featuring Charlie Sheen because of domestic violence charges filed against the actor. I don’t think the advertising agency got it, because they immediately thought of Chris Brown as a replacement.

The White House is mad at PETA for using the image of Michelle Obama in an anti-fur advertisement without her permission. PETA officials claim they thought she wouldn’t have any problem because we all know how much she hates Bush.

Temperatures are dropping all over the country. It is so cold, Gilbert Arenas is not pulling his guns anymore because he doesn’t want to take his hands out of his pockets. Nobody is travelling anymore. You know how embarrassing a body scan is with such a cold weather?

The U.S. government is using $25 million in stimulus money to buy and install full body scanners in airports this year. How ironic; they are using money from the stimulus package, to see yours.

A new study from the University of Alberta in Canada has found that having a mean gym teacher in school can turn people off of physical fitness for life. I don’t know about that, but I heard having a female gym teacher in school can turn women off men for life.

January 7th 2010

2010-01-07T15:21:00.000-08:00

Cher is selling her home in Hawaii for $12 million. Among the rooms, there’s a perfect man cave, with a huge home theater, pool table, sports paraphernalia, posters of hot chicks in bikini; what used to be Chaz’s room

Madonna's 13-year-old daughter Lourdes has started dating. So now finally both can go boyfriend hunting to high school parties.

A marine biologist announced the discovery of a new species of crab. You see, dating Paris Hilton has its advantages…

The TSA might install full-body scans at airports in the US. A piece of advice… If you want to move fast while in line, positioned yourself behind ugly people, because screeners won’t spend a second looking at them.

President Barack Obama told his security chiefs on Tuesday that the botched Christmas Day plane bombing was the result of a screw up by U.S. intelligence. Most people were shocked to hear that…. The US has intelligence?

During a meeting at the White House, President Barack Obama scolded high level officials on Tuesday over the botched Christmas Day terror attack. People at the meeting were all silent; not even the Salahi’s had anything to say.

Joan Rivers was bumped off a flight in Costa Rica when a Continental gate agent found her passport to be suspicious. Apparently, the picture in the passport looks 20 years older than her actual face.

Parts of the Minneapolis-St. Paul International Airport were shut down for about 90 minutes Tuesday due to a bomb scare. It was nothing; just a bag carrying NBC’s 2010 schedule.

A three-year-old boy lost his favorite Christmas present to airport screeners at the New Orleans airport when they confiscated his Play-Doh before he boarded the plane. I’d take my chances with explosive underwear rathers than dealing with an annoying crying kid throughout the entire flight.

Cops busted Gary Milby, a fugitive oil executive, after he appeared on the TV show "My Super Sweet 16". I’m glad the super 16 he’ll be forced to try in jail won’t be that sweet.

Two thieves were caught after trying to flee the police by running across a football field where a team of off-duty cops were playing. Tough luck, if they had tried crossing the field during a Saint Louis ram training session, they would still be fugitives.

According to a recent survey, half of all wives say they lie to their husbands about how much money they spend on themselves. Fair enough… half of all husbands lie about how much money they spend on their mistresses.

Al Bernardin, the inventor of the McDonald's Quarter Pounder has died at the age of 81. The key for such a long life? He never ate a quarter pounder.

A teen died after inhaling helium he'd bought at Wal-Mart in Riverside California. Apparently, he wanted to become balloon teen.

Temperatures are freezing cold in most parts of the country. It is so cold:

We are all starting to look bluer than the Avatar creatures.

Terrorists are boarding planes with bombs in their union suits.

People are going to the airports just to get patted by screeners.

January 6th 2010

2010-01-06T17:59:00.001-08:00

The Secret Service admitted that a third person snuck into the same White House state dinner in November. Apparently, the Salahi’s came with their own makeup artist.

The Secret Service admitted that a third person snuck into the same White House state dinner in November. Apparently, it was the Salahi’s debt collector trying to get some cash from them.

One of President Obama's resolutions for 2010 is to lose some weight. And today Rush Limbaugh sent him a box of donuts and said that he hopes Obama fails.

Doctors say there's nothing wrong with Rush Limbaugh's heart. It’s still full of hate like it was before the heart attack.

Montana has become the third state to allow doctor-assisted suicide. And since it's Montana, doctors expect extremely long lines to begin forming.

President Obama appointed a transgender woman named Amanda Simpson to the Commerce Department. Typical chauvinist Obama; he wants someone that thinks like a man, but gets the salary of a woman.

President Obama appointed a transgender woman named Amanda Simpson to the Commerce Department. That’s sex change we can believe in!

The TSA might introduce full body scans at the airports. I’m all for it, but just because I can’t wait for somebody to finally tell me whether Lady Gaga is a man or a woman.

Tomorrow, kids all over the world expect the visit of the three wise men. Good luck this year, because with all the extra security at airports and all the racial profiling, I doubt they will make it in time. If they are really wise men, they shouldn’t wear any underwear to speed up the screening.

Tomorrow, kids all over the world expect the visit of the three kings. Obama too, but just to bow to them.

Tyra Banks is ending her talk show. I don’t think Obama is going to like welcoming 2010 with another Bank closing.

A guy from New York with the world's longest junk is unemployed. Obama better do something about it, or he’ll get recruited by Al-Qaeda to hide a huge missile in his underwear.

Kate Hudson dumped Alex Rodriguez because she suspected he was seeing Madonna. Apparently, she found several boxes of Bengay in his bathroom cabinet.

A group of scientist claim the G-spot doesn’t exist. Aren’t they supposed to have sex to know that? I would buy the study if it came from Tiger Woods.

Obama has demanded tighter security for all air travel in America, the bad news is that with a middle name Hussein, he is on every no fly list and won’t be allowed to board the Air Force One anymore.

Most people have losing weight as one of the New Year resolutions. Especially in 2010, you don’t want to look fat with the body scans coming to all the airports.

January 5th 2010

2010-01-05T17:24:00.000-08:00

HAPPY 2010!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Rush Limbaugh was taken to a hospital with chest pains while vacationing in Hawaii. Apparently, when he heard he was going to get lei there, he stuffed himself with Viagra.

Rush Limbaugh was taken to a hospital with chest pains while vacationing in Hawaii. Apparently, he got really agitated when he took a look at Obama’s birth certificate confirming he was born there.

President Obama was in Hawaii when Rush Limbaugh was taken to a hospital with chest pains while vacationing there. The president was sympathetic, and immediately offered to send him Michael Jackson’s doctor.

The end of 2009 looked quite optimistic for president Obama. The Senate passed the Health Care Bill, jobless claims fell, and Rush had a heart attack! Not bad… not bad…

Scientists found a deep hole on the moon that could be suitable for a colony. I don’t want to be rude but I heard Uranus hole could fit the entire state of California.

Gilbert Arenas and Javaris Crittenton of the Washington Wizards drew guns on each other during a confrontation in the locker room. No big deal; if they shoot like they do during the games, chances are nothing will happen to any of them.

Two Washington Wizards players drew their pistols in the locker room. And as you can imagine several groupies got pregnant.

According to the Obama administration, the White House received more than 25,000 visits since Obama became president. And 24,980 of those visits belong to the Salahi’s.

Teens between 16 and 18 will need adult supervision if they want to use a tanning bed. I don’t think there’s going to be any problem finding an adult willing to accompany any young hot teenager wearing a bikini.

AT&T has dropped Tiger Woods as a spokesman. He wasn’t good for business anymore. Would you use AT&T knowing that more than 300 text messages and a phone call can cost you a fortune?

Charlie Sheen was arrested on domestic abuse charges in Colorado after allegedly threatening his wife with a knife. Now we finally know who the half man in his TV series is.

Charlie Sheen was arrested on domestic abuse charges in Colorado on Christmas day, after allegedly threatening his wife with a knife. Apparently, he got really mad when he opened his Christmas presents and discovered he had gotten underwear again.

After the Charlie Sheen incident, Hanes has released a new line of underwear. The new briefs come with extra padding in the crotch to compensate for the lack of balls.

During Christmas day, a Nigerian man tried to blow up a Northwest flight with explosives hidden in his underwear. He was discovered by a Dutch passenger who suspected there was a bomb in this guy’s underpants because nobody would be happy to be in a Northwest flight.

During Christmas day, a Nigerian man tried to blow up a Northwest flight with explosives hidden in his underwear. Who would have thought that underwear on fire would have made people forget about Tiger Woods for a while?

PETA has named Ellen DeGeneres Woman Of The Year. Apparently they took into account the love, protection and caring the female host has for every beaver in the world.

Elton John is helping Eminem battle drug problems. It works, when Elton John is around, you don’t dare get any blow.

The world's tallest building opened today in Dubai. There were two long lines of visitors. Those who wanted to appreciate the view from such a height, and those who wanted to jump because they lost all their money in the market.

Elin Nordegren turned 30 on January 1st. She didn’t want a cake; apparently she was afraid a woman would come out of it claiming to have had an affair with Tiger.

2010 is the Year of the Tiger. Coincidentally that’s the number of women claiming to have had affairs with Tiger Woods.

A guy from New York with the world's longest junk is unemployed. I just hope he doesn’t get a job in public office, because getting screwed by this guy can really hurt.

Scientists find a deep hole on the moon that could be suitable for a colony. I don’t want to be rude but I heard Uranus hole could be fit the entire state of California.

December 13th 2009

2009-12-13T10:24:00.000-08:00

Jenny Sanford has filed for divorce from her husband, South Carolina governor Mark Sanford. How ironic that she asked him to take a hike!

Jenny Sanford has filed for divorce from her husband, South Carolina governor Mark Sanford. It’s going to be hard for Mark Sanford to find a divorce lawyer available, Tiger probably hired all of them.

Adam Lambert was on "The View" yesterday morning. You see what they do in ABC, if you don’t behave?…. they punish you hardly.

R. Kelly is writing his memoir. Rumors are, he is using Roman Polanski as a ghost writer.

Several airports are opening lounges where passengers can take naps between flights. Because the planes are reserved for the pilots.

I think all this Tiger Wood’s scandal proved that the ancient Chinese medicine was only half right. The Tiger’s penis is not aphrodisiac, what’s aphrodisiac is the Tiger’s money.

You know what’s the difference between Santa and Tiger Woods? If you are naughty, Tiger gets you tons of presents.

One of the Tiger Woods' alleged mistresses, Rachel Uchitel, is in talks to pose for playboy. They are thinking they can have each month of the year covered with each mistress and call it “The Year of the Tiger”

A new study says an ingredient in beer may actually help prevent prostate cancer. That’s great! Now, I just need the study that says that Pizza and sex help prevent Alzheimer’s and I got my Christmas present.

A new study says an ingredient in beer may actually help prevent prostate cancer. Mmmm maybe what researchers meant was that only drunk, men dare have regular prostate exams which prevent prostate cancer.

FailBlog.org has released a list of the Top Most Memorable fail People of the Year. And Kanye West is the big winner. And today Tiger is demanding a recount!

FailBlog.org has released a list of the Top Most Memorable fail People of the Year. And Kanye West is the big winner. Unfortunately when he was about to receive the prize, Taylor Swift interrupted the ceremony and said that Tiger deserves that award.

President Obama will donate the $1.4 million that comes with the Nobel Peace Prize to charity. Wow, that’s a cute name for a lobbyist.

President Obama told House Republicans to "stop trying to frighten the American people." And if they don’t do that, they will be force to listen to a Biden’s speech.

December 12th 2009

2009-12-12T17:09:00.000-08:00

Norwegians are mad because president Obama turned down a lunch invitation from the King of Norway. Poor Norwegians… They waited patiently for months to have Obama there… bowing to their King.

During the meeting in Copenhagen, the US pushed for emission cuts from China. It is quite naïve of the US delegates to think China will do anything to prevent Global Warming; we all know how they like their shops to be really sweaty.

President Barack Obama told House Republican leaders to "stop trying to frighten the American people". It is quite hypocritical of the president to talk about frightening people, considering he is going to have Susan Boyle singing at Michelle’s birthday.

Gatorade will discontinue its Tiger Woods-endorsed drink, Focus. Evidently, the name doesn’t work anymore; it is obvious he couldn’t focus in just one slut.

Gatorade is not endorsing Tiger Woods anymore. The Gatorade logo is a G and they didn’t think it would serve the company’s interest to have Tiger Woods near a G spot.

The New York Yankees say they're not going to stop until they get Detroit Tiger fielder Curtis Granderson, especially now that they hear there’s a Tiger that hits everything.

Legislators in South Carolina didn’t impeach Governor Mark Sandford. Of course, now his transgressions make him look like a saint compared to Tiger Woods.

Tiger Woods was supposed to be the best man at his best friend's wedding this weekend, but decided against going. But there’s no way in hell he is going to miss that bachelor party now that his wife is gone.

Kate Gosselin says her kids have been crying because they miss the camera crew. Of course; those were the only ones paying attention to the kids, and feeding them, and giving them water…

Two female teachers were tossed out of their Brooklyn high school after a male janitor caught them naked together in an empty classroom and alerted the authorities. That proves janitors don't make enough money to afford a cell phone with video

Two female teachers were tossed out of their Brooklyn high school after a male janitor caught them naked together in an empty classroom and alerted the authorities. Poor guy, from now on, the PE female teacher is going to make his life miserable in school.

Someone broke into public health offices in Logan, Utah, and made away with 17 urine samples. Police think the suspect was shopping for a Christmas present for R Kelly.

Someone broke into public health offices in Logan, Utah, and made away with 17 urine samples. Police say that to capture this guy is their NUMBER ONE priority.

Someone broke into public health offices in Logan, Utah, and made away with 17 urine samples. It is going to be easy to capture the culprit; it belongs to any team in the NBA that doesn’t have anybody busted for smoking pot in the next game.

Members of Congress cancelled a proposed measure that would give Tiger Woods the Congressional Gold Medal for his achievements on and off the golf course… Because in congress nobody cares about his achievements on the golf course.

December 11th 2009

2009-12-11T10:12:00.000-08:00

Tiger Woods' mother-in-law was admitted to the hospital yesterday .And if you thought Tiger was a hero to all the men out there for having affairs with tons of hot women, now that he almost killed his mother-in-law, his status was elevated to almost God.

Tiger Woods' mother-in-law was admitted to the hospital yesterday after she complained of stomach pains. Apparently, she and her daughter went out to dinner on Monday night so now all the waitresses at the restaurant are main suspects for food poisoning.

Tiger Woods' mother-in-law was admitted to the hospital yesterday. Don’t tell me Tiger tried to go COUGAR!

Tiger Woods' mother-in-law was admitted to the hospital yesterday. Tiger visited her at the hospital and left satisfied, because she was fine, and also because he got the phone numbers of every female nurse there.

Prostitutes in Copenhagen are offering free sex to the climate-change delegates. How many Republicans do you think are going to start believing in global warming just to take advantage of this offer?

A newspaper in China said that a Chinese man signed a contract that allows his wife to beat him up once a week. Only once a week? Where do I sign said Tiger.

A Florida woman is facing a felony domestic abuse charge for allegedly striking her boyfriend several times in the head with a raw steak. Apparently, she had a beef with him.

A Florida woman is facing a felony domestic abuse charge for allegedly striking her boyfriend several times in the head with a raw steak. Her defense is not going to work; she claims she was just tenderizing it for him.

Someone threw 2 tomatoes at Sarah Palin during a book signing. Fortunately, the person missed twice… unfortunately for the Cubs, he’ll be released in time for next season.

Low temperatures are affecting almost the entire country. It's Polanski cold out there... in the teens

It is so cold, even Tiger Woods would rather sleep inside the house with his mad wife and mother-in-law.

It is so cold, Tiger Woods’ wife said she wants to burn some wood.

It is so cold even Kirstie Alley is refusing to open the refrigerator.

It is so cold Britney is wearing underwear.

December 9th 2009

2009-12-09T17:39:00.000-08:00

Madonna has left opened the possibility that she may adopt again. She’s got now 4 kids, actually 5 if we count her boyfriend, Jesus.

During the Kennedy Center Honors this weekend, President Obama called Bruce Springsteen "The Boss." Man, is there anyone this guy WON'T bow down to?

President Obama will go to Oslo, Norway, tomorrow to accept his Nobel Peace Prize. Rumors are Tiger Woods will be there accepting his Nobel Piece Prize.

State police in central Pennsylvania say a 13-year-old girl led troopers on a high-speed chase that reached speeds of more than 100 mph. Her excuse? She was driving that fast because she thought Roman Polanski was chasing her.

Elin Nordegren had enough and moved out of the $2.6 million Windermere home. Of course, with all the money she’ll get from Tiger, she can do better than a $2.6 million home.

Tiger Woods' wife has reportedly moved out. “Party tonight at Tiger’s crib,” said Edwards, Letterman and Mark Sandford!

Today the Enquirer got an exclusive; apparently, they had in the cover the only woman that hasn’t slept with Tiger yet.

There are already 9 women claiming to have had affairs with Tiger. I think he’s done, he just completed 18 holes.

There are already 9 women claiming to have had affairs with Tiger. So when he was telling his wife that she was a 10, he meant number 10th in the list?

According to a recent poll, Tiger's approval rating is at about 60%. And today Obama cancelled his trip to Europe and went to Vegas to start hitting on cocktail waitresses.

A new study found that the more TV a 3-year-old watches, the more aggressive they will be. Did we have TV when Dick Cheney was 3 years-old?

Anesthesiologist tops the latest list of the highest-paying jobs in America. As things go in 2010 the best paid job in America will be Cocktail waitresses.

Hillary Clinton said she is willing to look into the murder conviction of U.S. student Amanda Knox. And Bill offered himself to go immediately to Italy and rescue the hot student.

One of Tiger Woods' many alleged mistresses is trying to sell alleged pictures of Tiger Woods naked to Playgirl.com. I don’t want to ruin it for her, but many gold fans have seen Tiger’s balls before in tons of golf magazines.

Playgirl magazine says they are currently trying to authenticate naked photos of Tiger Woods before we make any decisions on purchasing them. That’s easy, just go outside and stop any blonde girl on the street and ask her if she has seen this man naked before.

December 8th 2009

2009-12-08T07:03:00.000-08:00

Tiger Woods has reportedly offered his wife $80 million for them to remain together for another six years. Wait, didn’t Eliot Spitzer lose his job for paying a woman to spend time with him?

One of Tiger’s mistresses, Mindy Lawton, claims to have had a year-long affair with Tiger Woods and revealed that Tiger is "very well endowed". I guess we now know which is his black half.

Did you hear that Tiger’s wife is considering getting a caddy? Yeah, to carry her golf clubs and Tiger’s balls.

Tiger Woods asked a waitress to change the message of her phone in case his wife called her. Apparently, the message was: “Hi, this is Jamiee Grubbs, one of Tiger’s sluts. Please leave a message.”

Tiger Woods is considering an invitation to appear on the sofa of the Oprah Winfrey show, especially because it is a comfy one to crash for a while until his wife calms down.

More mistresses are coming out of the WOODwork. Now there are already 6 women claiming to have had affairs with Tiger. Unfortunately for his wife, you know he won’t stop until he completes the 18 holes.

A U.S. consumer group contends that the Zhu Zhu Pets hamsters are unsafe. Apparently, there have been reports of parents that got injured after they told their kids they couldn’t get one for Christmas.

A U.S. consumer group contends that the Zhu Zhu Pets hamsters are unsafe. Apparently, there have been reports of parents that got injured fighting with each other to buy the remaining ones for their kids.

The New Jersey Nets won for the first time this season, ending the worst start in NBA history at 18 losses. Fans celebrated nonstop until they remembered they still live in New Jersey.

Adam Lambert will perform on "The View" later this week. It is going to be good for ratings; that show needs someone a little bit feminine besides Elisabeth Hasselbeck.

Adam Lambert will perform on "The View" later this week. I can’t wait for the fight between him and Elisabeth Hasselbeck. Not so much about gay rights, but she won’t let him steal all the time in the make-up room.

The House Homeland Security Committee Chairman said the White House state dinner could have ended in a "night of horror." Fortunately, organizers came to their senses and cancelled Biden’s speech.

California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger used a dramatic climate change map to demonstrate how global warming could ruin the state of California. But he said not to worry, by the time he’s done as governor, there will be nothing left to destroy.

Scientists in Canada, who were doing a study on pornography, couldn’t find a single man who hasn’t watched porn. They thought a blind person could be the answer, until they found out the reason why he went blind.

Scientists in England have created the world's smallest 'snowman', measuring about a fifth of the width of a human hair. Do you need any other evidence that global warming exists?

A woman gave birth to a baby boy on a Southwest Airlines flight from Chicago. And as soon as the plane landed, the airline made her pay an extra ticket for the baby.

Sarah Palin says it's fair to question the legitimacy of President Obama's birth. It would be fair to ask her some questions too, but she doesn’t let the media get near her.

The government found a new job for the secret service officers that let the couple into the White House. They are going to be assigned to protect the border with Mexico!!

U.S. Customs and Border Protection officials caught a guy smuggling a fully-cooked chicken stuffed with cocaine. A chicken full of cocaine? What was this guy doing with Amy Winehouse?

December 5th 2009

2009-12-05T13:48:00.001-08:00

A new rule will bar pro football players who show significant signs of head injuries from returning to games and practice. I hope they don’t do the same with golf, otherwise Tiger is screwed.

Three Secret Service officers have been put on administrative leave after the security breach at last week's White House dinner. The White House should have seen this coming especially because these three guys’ prior task was to control the border with Mexico.

President Obama and his family lit the national Christmas tree at the White House yesterday. Obama said they will continue with their policy of recycling and after Christmas they will use that tree to make paper and use that paper to print more money and to add more pages to the Health Care Bill.

Rolling Stones guitarist Ron Wood was arrested on suspicion of domestic assault Wednesday night. Apparently, he thought he needed to protect the legacy of the “Wood” name…

President Obama's illegal immigrant aunt says she hasn't had contact with him since his inauguration. Well, she can come unannounced to the next White House Party.

According to an internal memo, one of Sarah Palin’s demands for her book-signing appearance at the Mall of America was no foreign press allowed. And by foreign press she meant everybody but Fox News.

An inmate had to have a five-inch shank surgically removed from his rectum. Guards suspected there was something wrong when they caught him opening an envelope with his ass.

According to a recent study, young adults who are fit have a higher IQ and are more likely to go on to university. Ohhh, that’s why football players pass without taking the tests; they don’t need it.

Most people find Tiger Woods guilty for ruining such a beautiful family. The only one, so far, ready to pardon him is Mike Huckabee.

Police in Texas seized a batch of ecstasy pills that are shaped like Barack Obama’s head. Maybe Obama can give it to his ratings so they get a little high.

Police in Texas seized a batch of ecstasy pills that are shaped like Barack Obama’s head. That’s the only way Rush Limbaugh can swallow him.

A selection posted on the Myspace website in the name of the Vatican includes a track from rapper Tupac Shakur. Now I understand why the Vatican loves gold so much…

A selection posted on the Myspace website in the name of the Vatican includes a track from rapper Tupac Shakur. Myspace? As usual, the Vatican is centuries behind in time…

Roman Polanski was released from a prison and put under house arrest. Perfect. Right in time to answer some of the letters kids send Santa for Christmas.

P. Diddy's Twitter account was hacked this week. No Diddy, it is not called hacking, it is called sampling!

Susan Boyle's album is set to pass the one-million mark in the U.S. Experts believe the Twilight craze helped, because a lot of people wrongly think they can use her picture on the cover of the album to scare off vampires.

December 4th 2009

2009-12-04T17:53:00.000-08:00

At this point everybody probably heard about the apologetic statement “let my family and everybody down, I’m so sorry…” No, I’m not talking about Tiger; I’m talking about the statement made by the players of the New Jersey Nets.

It has been such a horrible week for Tiger Woods, first the accident, then the allegations about his wife, the waitress’s voice mail. But it could have been worse. He could have been a Net’s fan.

Everybody talks about Tiger Woods’ ethnicity: he is half-Black, half-Asian, and now half-rich.

Experts believe Tiger Woods might have problems with some of his sponsors. Like, would you use AT&T knowing that 300 text messages and a phone call can cost you a fortune?

Not everybody is unhappy around Tiger Woods these days. His caddy is fine, especially because in the near future he’ll probably have to carry only half the number of golf clubs.

More and more women now say they have had affairs with Tiger. Man, they are coming out of the Woods!

The Harlem Gospel Choir cancelled their performance at a screening of Glenn Beck's film "The Christmas Sweater," especially because the Christmas sweater everybody was wearing at the screening was white and with a hood.

President Obama hosted a "jobs summit" at the White House today. It is quite promising; anyone that gets in gets a job in a reality TV show.

A man shocked his wife when right after the minister pronounced the couple man and wife the groom whipped out his phone to change his Facebook status from “in a relationship" to “miserable.”

Comcast Corp. announced Thursday it plans to get a majority stake in NBC Universal. The numbers have not been disclosed, but experts believe NBC didn’t have to pay that much money.

Los Angeles Lakers star Ron Artest says he used to drink liquor during NBA games when he was playing with the Chicago Bulls. It is not a big deal, I’m a Nets fan; I have to drink, before, during and after every game to put up with the pain.

Kloe Kardashian and Lamar Odom are finally legally married. The registrar's office of Orange County, California confirmed they filed a marriage license last week. Everybody kind of suspected they had gotten married, because they stopped having sex.

Three boys have been arrested for beating up red-haired children at school. Police were concerned because they are afraid this might discourage kids from beating the crap out of Carrot Top.

According to estimates by the Centers for Disease Control two in three store-bought chickens are contaminated with salmonella. So start buying now… you might get lucky and lose a lot of weight to wear that beautiful dress you always wanted to wear for Christmas.

Adam Lambert will be performing on "The Jay Leno Show” December 21st. That’s not the only surprise of the show; Kevin will drop his guitar to play keyboards for the first time ever.

Two penniless brothers who live in a cave outside Budapest inherited $7 billion. I just hope they don’t use that money to do a sitcom.

Bill Maher criticized IHOP for refusing to use cruelty-free eggs. Apparently Maher hates when the eggs are beaten.

December 3rd 2009

2009-12-03T17:56:00.001-08:00

A Massachusetts woman says she saw the image of Jesus Christ under her iron. There was a guy in Florida that almost saw Jesus because of an iron… Tiger Woods.

A rare, 5-carat pink diamond was auctioned off for a record $10.8 million in Hong Kong on Tuesday. And now everybody in the world knows what Tiger Wood’s wife is getting for Christmas.

Nike issued a statement of support for Tiger Woods on its website. Tiger loves Nike so much he is now carrying its logo engraved on his forehead.

Everybody is commenting on the Tiger Woods’ incident. Now Golf experts are saying that for such a short drive, the Escalade was the wrong choice; Tiger should have used a mini Cooper.

I don’t understand what the big deal is with this reality TV show couple that got into the White House. It is not that difficult, are we forgetting that even Bush got into the White House?

A former Miss Argentina has died from complications after undergoing cosmetic surgery on her buttocks. Apparently, she accomplished what she wanted… to have a killer butt.

A Massachusetts woman says she saw the image of Jesus Christ under her iron. Probably because she constantly hears her husband saying, “Jesus, iron my clothes, woman!”

Biologists believe humans are born with an urge to help others. That proves what we always suspected: that the members of congress are from another planet.

Dick Cheney criticized President Obama for showing too much weakness. But before he finished the sentence he needed to be assisted three times, given an oxygen tank and CPR because his heart stopped several times.

President Obama announced the deployment of 30,000 troops to Afghanistan, including 2 more soldiers: The White House party crashers so that they can begin filming their new reality show "The real Housewives of Kabul."

President Obama announced the deployment of 30,000 troops to Afghanistan. And who is going to protect the White House from unwanted reality TV show guests?

A family in Chicago is suing a funeral home for ruining the service by trying really hard to squeeze in the body of their dead relative in a small casket. They could have cut these’ man’s feet, he doesn’t need them anymore, he already kicked the bucket.

ABC is developing a new sitcom starring Nicole Richie. The title? 30 Lbs.

Snoop Dogg has partnered with a British company called VoiceSkins.com to make his voice available to people who use the TomTom GPS navigation system. Now you can find any corner in the world to buy pot and also every Taco Bell out there for the munchies.

December 2nd 2009

2009-12-02T17:03:00.001-08:00

Tiger Woods was said to be really mad at his wife after she allegedly swung a golf club at him. She’s been married to the best golf player in the world and she still doesn’t know you don’t use an Iron for such a short distance?

Hollywood producers want to cash in this Tiger Woods’ scandal. They are coming up with a new movie: CaddyShag!

Tiger Woods has backed out of the Chevron World Challenge, a golf tournament in Thousand Oaks, California. But fans won’t be disappointed because his wife will replace him.

A friend Tiger Woods’ said that Tiger was thinking of buying his wife a Kobe Special, also known as a house in a ring, a very expensive ring. Every time I cheat on my wife I buy her a house in a ring, unfortunately for her my house in a ring is not expensive because it is a house in Detroit.

President Obama addressed the country today and said he’ll be sending 30,000 troops to Afghanistan. Maybe if he wanted to make both Democrats and Republicans happy he should have said that among the troops he’d be sending the two losers that crashed the White House dinner party.

According to a new online survey, 32% of people say they would "absolutely" have a threesome, no questions asked. Unfortunately for Tiger Woods, he discovered the hard way that his wife wasn’t among that 32 percent.

Experts believe that the sales of foundation makeup have soared thanks to the "Twilight" craze. Actually, I think the sales of foundation makeup skyrocketed just because Adam Lambert went shopping to prepare for his next gig.

Susan Boyle's debut album has already broken records on the UK charts. Industry experts believe the success is due to the great variety of songs included in the album, and the fact that her picture is not on the cover.

Clay Aiken turned 31 yesterday. And if you haven’t bought him a present yet, you can’t go wrong with piano lessons; I heard he wants to play the organ for Adam Lambert.

A German tourist was arrested at Disney World for claiming he was carrying a bomb. Apparently, it was just a misunderstanding and he just had a copy of the movie “Old Dogs” in his backpack.

An English woman who suffers from sleep apnea, and stops breathing several times each night has a dog that puts his paw on her chest to wake her when her breathing stops. Luckily, she’s got a dog, and not a cat, because if the cat gets annoyed with her snoring, it would probably use a pillow to smother her.

According to PNC Wealth Management to buy the items in "The Twelve Days of Christmas" would cost more than $87,000. But if you have cash in hand, we can settle for half of that.

According to AAA, fewer people traveled for the Thanksgiving holiday this year, in spite of falling gas prices and last-minute deals on airfares. Why would you travel if you already live with your parents, in-laws, and other relatives, after you were forced to share a house due to foreclosure?

A significantly higher number of U.S. shoppers bought products online during the so-called Cyber Monday. Unless, of course, you have AOL , and in that case you are still trying to buy in the so-called Cyber Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday...

Researchers say that turkey is not the reason why people get tired after Thanksgiving dinner. Apparently, what makes people exhausted is the fight to try to button up their pants again.

According to a survey, this Monday, more than 30 percent of Americans shopped online while at work. The other 70% are already unemployed.

Around 72% of online retailers had special Cyber Monday promotions: no more than 10 pop-ups a page.

Alec Baldwin says he is quitting acting in 2012. Unlike De Niro and Pachino who have quit acting years ago.

December 1st

2009-12-01T18:06:00.000-08:00

According to TMZ, Tiger Woods’ wife chased him with a golf club after a heated argument. Apparently, when Tiger married her because she said she was good with the iron, he never thought she was talking about the golf club.

Everybody is commenting on Tiger Woods incident. Golf experts are saying that for such a short drive, the Escalade was the wrong choice; Tiger should have used a mini Cooper.

According to TMZ, Tiger Woods’ wife chased him with a golf club and swung it against the car after a heated argument. And today she got an invitation to play in LPGA.

Tiger Woods crashed his Escalade into a fire hydrant and tree right outside his house. Right after the accident, his caddy released a statement saying they are working on improving his short drive.

Tiger Woods released a statement yesterday but the statement failed to clear up any questions about the accident. Police said the story got too many holes, like 18 holes.

Roman Polanski will be moved from jail to house arrest at his home in the Alps of Switzerland. Everybody is ok with that, except of course, for poor Heidi of the Alps…

A couple of aspiring reality-TV stars from Northern Virginia crashed the White House’s state dinner Tuesday night, and took pictures with world leaders including Biden and the president. Obama was furious and immediately asked the secret service to be disciplined, especially those who let Biden in.

A couple of aspiring reality-TV stars from Northern Virginia snuck in the White House’s state dinner Tuesday night without invitation. When Obama heard that someone had crashed the party, he immediately assumed it was Biden’s motorcade.

Who says that the White House is not creating new jobs? They probably got these two losers Michaele and Tareq Salahi the chance of landing a Reality TV Show.

The couple that crashed the White House party is said to be pursuing a reality TV show. I think most Americans agree they should be in one… “Cops”

The media is still trying to figure out how this couple of aspiring reality-TV stars from Northern Virginia was able to crash the White House’s state dinner. Apparently, when the secret service asked for their invitation they said it was next to Obama’s birth certificate and that’s how they got in.

A couple of aspiring reality-TV stars from Northern Virginia crashed the White House’s state dinner Tuesday night. They were not the only reality-TV people at the party; Jon Goselin was trying to make some money as a valet parking.

Obama thanksgiving dinner menu was released Friday. Apparently, the president had 6 varieties of pies and a big turkey stuffed with ACORN.

President Barack Obama pardoned a white turkey on Wednesday. So I guess it is all even between Blacks and Whites with the OJ thingy right?

As a part of the tradition, the turkey Obama pardoned on Wednesday travelled on first class to Disneyland. Apparently, they made the bird travell on first class, because it wouldn’t last two seconds next to the hungry passengers in coach.

Sarah Palin participated in the 5K marathon of Kennewick, Washington. Most participants were Democrats, because it was hard to find any Republican that wanted to run with Sarah Palin.

Sarah Palin participated in the 5K marathon of Kennewick, Washington. Actually, it was a 10K marathon but she quit in the middle of it.

Glen Beck is from Washington State and he participated in a similar competition, instead of the 5K, he was part of the 5 KKK.

Sarah Palin and her family spent Thanksgiving with her family in Washington State. Levi Johnston wasn’t there, so there was nobody to take care of the stuffing this time.

November 27th 2009

2009-11-27T09:24:00.000-08:00

Ratings below 50%, the unemployment over 10%, the dollar falling, Palin’s new book.. I guess it was tough for Obama to be thankful for anything this thanksgiving.

President Obama selected the Prime Minister of India to be his guest at his first state dinner tonight. The choice wasn’t difficult; apparently Malia’s laptop keeps crashing.

Arnold Schwarzenegger was photographed parking his Porsche in an emergency vehicle zone. He later said there was nothing illegal about it because he is the governor of California which is in a state of emergency.

Arnold Schwarzenegger was photographed parking his Porsche in an emergency vehicle zone. Fortunately Maria Shriver called later from his cell-phone while driving her kids to school to apologize on behalf of her husband.

A Saudi Arabian version of Comedy Central is in the works. I don’t know, I think most jokes will bomb.

Adam Lambert kissed his keyboard player during his performance at the American Music Awards. And today Ryan Seacrest started some piano lessons.

Adam Lambert is catching some slack for kissing a man during his performance at the Music Awards. Who’s the lucky one now? Kris Allen could kiss, grab, do the 360, the 180 with a guy and nobody would care.

An Australian man claims a kangaroo attempted to drown his dog. And now the Eagles want to hire the kangaroo to play as a runner for them.

Researchers in Israel have discovered that low-intensity shockwaves can be used to treat erectile dysfunction. Be sure the intensity of the shockwaves is low, otherwise your entire body will go stiff.

Lady Gaga sent 80 pizzas to fans waiting for her appearance at a Best Buy in L.A. Ironically the one delivering the pizzas was Kris Allen, the last winner of American Idol.

A new study by the National Bureau of Economic Research has found that when an NFL game ends in an upset, there's an 8% increase in domestic violence in the home state of the losing team. So for the women in Detroit, and Cleveland, just move out of the house every Sunday and you’ll be safe.

A couple in Sidney Australia had sex in clock tower in the middle of a busy shopping center. You sure want to have sex with your partner next to a gigantic clock and remind her you can only last 30 seconds?
Yesterday was thanksgiving a day to be thankful:
for not playing keyboards in Adam Lambert’s band.
For not being Sarah Palin’s ghost writerFor not having to see Jon&Kate Plus 8 anymore.
For not having to drive by Biden’s motorcade.
For not having your daughter working as an intern for David Letterman

President Obama is scheduled to pardon a turkey this week, and today Bernie Madoff was overheard saying “gobble gobble, gobble gobble.”

Susan Boyle performed on the "Today" show yesterday. It didn’t sound as good as usual. Apparently not a single keyboardist dared play with her thinking she might pull an Adam Lambert and kiss him.

A man in China allows women to vent their frustrations by humiliating and beating him for $20. I got to learn from this man, my wife has been doing that for years and for FREE.

A man believed to be in a coma for 23 years, heard everything during all those years but couldn’t respond. It just sounds like my marriage….

A suspect was caught by the patrol dashboard camera eating incriminating evidence. Funny, he was being arrested for touching somebody’s privates.

In a recent study, researchers have figured out that the optimum amount of time for sexual intercourse is three to 13 minutes. I hope that includes eating the pizza and watching the ESPN headlines…

According to a survey by the Pew Global Attitudes, six in 10 Mexicans believe life is better in the United States. The other 4 work for Lou Dobbs.

November 26th 2009

2009-11-26T07:23:00.000-08:00

Sarah Palin has made tons of appearances last week to promote her new book. She was everywhere; I think I even saw her at the end of the movie “New Moon” shooting some werewolves from a helicopter.

Roman Polanski said he can’t wait to see the movie “New Moon”, especially when he heard it was about a 100-year-old vampire trying to seduce a high-school girl.

Two missing fingers and a tooth from Galileo have been found after being taken from his body in 1737. Apparently, those were the fingers Galileo showed to the scientists when they made fun of him after saying the Earth revolves around the sun.

A 39-year-old man paid young teens to slap him, spit on his face, and call him names. Why would he spend money on that? Had he worn a mask of the kids’ math teacher’s face, they would have probably done it for free.

A 39-year-old man paid young teens to defecate on him. It must have cost him a fortune, because we know that teens don’t give a crap about anything.

Jennifer Lopez tripped and fell on her butt during her performance at the "American Music Awards". So if you felt a little earthquake yesterday at home, now you know why.

An Indian man has broken a world record by visiting all 194 countries on Earth in the shortest time ever. Apparently, he bought tickets for a United Airlines flight, and hid in his suitcase

An Indian man has broken a world record by visiting all 194 countries on Earth in the shortest time ever. I bet his family reunions are going to be so much fun from now on, when he pulls out the slides and tortures everybody with the thousands of pictures.

Peruvian jungle gangs are reportedly killing people for their fat to be used in cosmetic supplies. Instead of lipstick on a pig, this is like putting pigs on a lipstick.

Peruvian authorities said that a Peruvian jungle gang killed more than 60 people and used their fat for cosmetic supplies. 60 people? If they had caught two Americans, they could have helped the entire line of Revlon.

The Senate's version of Health Care Reform includes a 5% tax on cosmetic surgery. Who would have said that at the end, Republicans would have to admit that Nanci Pelosi might save this country’s economy?

The U.S. Postal Service announced that it is resuming a program in which volunteers respond to letters to Santa Claus that accumulate at the post office in North Pole. Great, now Roman Polanski will have time to kill in jail.

The U.S. Postal Service announced that it is resuming its "operation Santa" campaign. It’ll be an automated response saying: Sorry no money for presents this year thanks to Obama.

The Cuban government is providing free implants for guys with underperforming genitalia. Apparently, they want to keep alive the reputation that all the Cubans are good with their bats.

November 21st 2009

2009-11-21T09:53:00.001-08:00

Oprah Winfrey announced that “The Oprah Winfrey Show” will end its run in 2011. So the Mayans were wrong; they missed the end of the world by 1 year.

A couple of days after having Sarah Palin as a guest, Oprah Winfrey announced that “The Oprah Winfrey Show” will end its run in 2011. Apparently, quitting is contagious…

A couple of days after having Sarah Palin as a guest, Oprah Winfrey announced that “The Oprah Winfrey Show” will end its run in 2011. I guess the interview with Palin was too much even for Oprah…

Joe Biden turned 67 today. He couldn’t go to a bar to celebrate because his hair is still underaged.

Hillary Clinton tells "Vogue" magazine that she "naps on command…" like every time Bill asks if she is in the mood, she immediately falls asleep.

During an interview with Oprah Winfrey, Sarah Palin rated Obama’s performance as a president on a scale of 1 to 10 with a 4. But we all know that a 4 in Washington is like a 10 in Alaska.

The Health Care bill introduced in the senate has 2,074 pages, 84 more pages than the bill introduced in Congress. Apparently, they needed the extra pages to add the disclaimer, you know, like in drug commercials.

Some people in the senate are complaining because the Health Care bill has more than 2,000 pages. Not to contradict anybody, but when it comes to health, I’d rather have a bill with 2000 pages than a bill that fits in one twit.

Yesterday was World Toilet Day. The same day Sarah Palin released her new book: Coincidence?

Yesterday was World Toilet Day. And to celebrate I watched an episode of Jon & Kate plus 8.

Lou Dobbs hinted yesterday that he might run for the White House. Just because it is White!

The city with the lowest smoking rate in the U.S. is Utah. It is understandable. It must be hard to smoke when you have your 20 wives asking you to put out your cigarette.

The movie "New Moon" premiered last night. It is the movie about a bunch of vampires from a town called Forks. What I don’t get is how it is that these Vampires all look good, shaved and combed… If you’re a real vampire, shouldn’t you look like a mess, scruffy, with razor cuts? Because a true vampire can’t see their reflection in the mirror…

The movie "New Moon" premiered last night. It is the movie about a bunch of vampires from a town called Forks. Critics are not being kind with the movie; ironically they all say it sucks.

The U.S. Postal Service is dropping its "operation Santa" where volunteers open and respond to thousands of letters addressed to Santa each year. Apparently, they are going to save time by sending a letter to every kid in America saying: “sorry no money for presents…”

The U.S. Postal Service is dropping its "operation Santa" campaign because too many pedophiles were volunteering. So what is Roman Polanski going to do with his pen and paper this year?

The U.S. Postal Service is dropping its "operation Santa" campaign because too many pedophiles were volunteering. Well, when it comes to know who was naughty…

The daughter of former US presidential candidate John Kerry was arrested early Thursday after being stopped on suspicion of driving under the influence of alcohol or drugs. John Kerry was spotted with a long face, but to be fair, that’s the same face he’s had for years.

November 20th 2009

2009-11-20T18:08:00.001-08:00

During an interview with Fox, Obama said that stress is making him go gray. Unlike Biden, who just bought his hair that way.

During an interview with Fox, Obama said that stress is making him go gray. Everybody seems concerned, even teabaggers; I think I heard some of them saying that they want him to die… I guess his hair…

A suburban Atlanta high school teacher has been accused of pursuing a "hit" on a 16-year-old student last month. Apparently, she asked the cafeteria lady to triple his portion of Sloppy Joes.

Sarah Palin said that she would like Levi Johnston to join them for Thanksgiving. Apparently, she wants to feel presidential and pardon a turkey.

Hundreds of people lined up yesterday to meet Sarah Palin at a Michigan bookstore. They were all thrilled to meet Sarah for the first time and also thrilled to see a bookstore for the first time as well.

Levi Johnston does not do frontal nudity in his upcoming "Playgirl" pictorial. But if you want to have a description, you can ask anybody in Alaska.

A Denver man spoke only in Klingon during his son’s first three years of life to learn about the language acquisition process. Unfortunately for the now 15-year-old kid, the father later realized that that was the most efficient way to teach the kid abstinence.

According to its financial report, the federal government wasted $98 billion on improper spending last year. And that without counting the hundred of billions we wasted on the bailout.

A congressman from Missouri wants to call the day before thanksgiving "complaint free Wednesday" so people would stop complaining for at least one day. Maybe if congress wouldn’t give us reasons…

A congressman from Missouri wants to call the day before thanksgiving "complaint free Wednesday" so people would stop complaining for at least one day. He probably has a wife like me, so what can I do to help pass this legislation?

A congressman from Missouri wants to call the day before thanksgiving "complaint free Wednesday" so people would stop complaining for at least one day. He might be onto something because there’s going to be a lot of complaining during Thanksgiving dinner when we get the family over.

For the third time in less than a week, vehicles associated with Vice President Biden have been in accidents that have caused injuries. So now you understand why he would ride the train everyday to go to work.

A new study from the University of Leeds in England found that if women want to attract men, the perfect amount of skin to bare is 40%. Well, it all depends on the guy; it took Monica Lewinsky only 1% to get Bill hooked up.

A new study from the University of Leeds in England found that if women want to attract men, the perfect amount of skin to bare is 40%. Unless you look like Susan Boyle, because the only chance she has to get something is if she is covered from head to toe.

November 20th 2009

2009-11-20T05:21:00.000-08:00

President Obama sat down for an interview with Major Garrett on Fox News last night. I know Obama declared he was at war with Fox News, but to send a Major? Isn’t that too much?

Obama continues to get some slack from conservatives for bowing to the Japanese emperor. Obama is getting concerned about it; he is now so afraid of an opportunistic picture that he’s been doing his entire China tour with his shoelaces untied because he doesn’t dare bend to tie them anymore.

President Obama admitted that he has never twitted. And a confused McCain said today “I didn’t know Malia and Sasha were adopted!”

Jenna Jameson appeared on "Oprah" yesterday. The audience went wild when at the end of the show Oprah pointed at them and started screaming: “and you got STD, and you got STD and you got STD!”

Sarah Palin has been doing a series of interviews to promote her book. I don’t want to say the interviews have consisted only of softball questions, but the only chance you get to see Palin being nailed is if you buy the porn movie “Nailing Palin.”

Sarah Palin is calling the "Newsweek" cover photo of her in jogging shorts "sexist." While Bill Clinton calls it “Hide-it-from-Hillary” material.

An airline in Finland is offering a promotion that allows frequent flyers to cash in their miles for a boob job. I wish they would do the same with Northwest Airlines, because with all the overshooting airports, my wife’s boobs would be as big as Dolly Parton’s.

A drug that failed tests as an antidepressant is being hailed by doctors as the first women's Viagra. Unfortunately, women will continue to get depressed, especially after they did it with their inadequate husbands.

A drug that failed tests as an antidepressant is being hailed by doctors as the first women's Viagra. And if they do it with someone younger, their depression disappears as well.

A drug that failed tests as an antidepressant is being hailed by doctors as the first women's Viagra. Come on, there’s already a drug that helps increase women’s libido. It is called “wine.”

According to a new study, 40 percent of Americans will be obese by 2018. Does that mean that the other 50 percent of obese people will start dieting?

According to a government report, 49 million of Americans are having trouble getting enough to eat. With so many people going hungry, why don’t we do a show like The Biggest Loser, but the opposite, where we feed people?

According to a government report, 49 millions of Americans are having trouble getting enough to eat. No wonder Tyra Banks doesn’t have any problems getting models for her almost 20 seasons of America’s Next Top Model.

November 19th 2009

2009-11-19T04:05:00.001-08:00

CNN reported that 71 was the number of cars in President Barack Obama's motorcade as he traveled from the Beijing airport. Apparently, Obama took the Health Care bill with him to show it to the Chinese.

CNN reported that 71 was the number of cars in President Barack Obama's motorcade as he traveled from the Beijing airport. Apparently, Obama took all the receipts for the things China have been buying in the U.S. with him.

Sarah Palin told Oprah that Levi Johnston is welcomed at her house for Thanksgiving. Apparently, Palin can’t wait to carve a huge turkey that day.

Sarah Palin told Oprah that 'She's not retreating; she's reloading.’ So now we know what to do in 2012: “duck and cover!”

Breaking news! 4 men had to be hospitalized today with a severe case of depression. Apparently, those were the men in charge of close caption for the Sarah Palin’s interview with Oprah and Barbara Walters.

NBC is producing a new show about a magician who uses his powers to fight crime… because only a magician can generate some ratings in NBC.

Teenagers from a Spanish region called Extremadura are being taught the "art" of masturbation. The course opens with a seminar given by Professor Carrie Prejan.

Teenagers from a Spanish region called Extremadura are being taught the "art" of masturbation. It is a fun course; I have been practicing online for years!

Teenagers from a Spanish region called Extremadura are being taught the "art" of masturbation. Ironically, for those who are not acquainted with Spanish, Extremadura means: Extremely Hard.

During a speech at the Mizner Park Amphitheater in Palm Beach Florida, Al Gore was introduced as “The president of the planet.” Unfortunately, the planet was Uranus.

During a speech at the Mizner Park Amphitheater in Palm Beach Florida, Al Gore was introduced as “The president of the planet”. Unfortunately for Al Gore, 5 minutes later they did a recount and he lost.

100 protesters gathered at the Mizner Park Amphitheater in Palm Beach Florida for Al Gore’s speech. They were loud and yelled at Gore, but 5 minutes into the speech they all went silent. Actually, you could now hear some snoring.

"New Moon" premiered last night. It is the movie about a bunch of vampires from a town called Forks. What I don’t get is how it is that these Vampires all look good, shaved and combed? If you’re a real vampire, shouldn’t you look like a mess, scruffy, with razor cuts? A true vampire can’t see their reflection in the mirror…

According to a new study, texting can cause pain in your neck. Especially if you are texting while driving and you crash!

According to a new study, texting can cause pain in your neck, especially if your wife catches you texting the hot chick that works in Hooters and smacks you across your face.

The New York Post reported that CNN was sick of Lou Dobbs and gave him an $8 million severance package to leave. Unfortunately for Dobbs, it was 8 million pesos.

The New York Post reported that CNN was sick of Lou Dobbs and gave him an $8 million severance package to leave. Apparently, CNN employees were tired that the garden looked like crap because Dobbs would refuse to hire any Mexicans.

A Chinese artist has unveiled a "Burning Man Obama" sculpture which depicts President Obama on fire. Or you can wait just a week and get the real Obama burning after leaving the interview with Fox.

Universal Pictures edited the black couple out of the British version of the movie poster for "couples retreat". Maybe if they had edited out Vince Vaughn the movie would have done much better at the box office.

November 17th 2009

2009-11-17T17:28:00.001-08:00

President Obama is being heavily criticized by conservatives for bowing to the Emperor of Japan. The White House explained later that the President didn’t bow; he was just telling the emperor where the value of the dollar is at.

The first marijuana café opened in Portland Oregon last Friday. They are going to be rich, not just from the marijuana business, but also for all the donuts, pancakes and omelets they are going to sell to quench the munchies.

The first marijuana café opened in Portland Oregon this Friday. It’s called “Starbuds”!

A group of young Colombian student chefs have unveiled a new dessert that contains Viagra. Not everybody likes it, especially the waitresses that complain they usually get screw with the tip after they serve it.

A group of young Colombian student chefs have unveiled a new dessert that contains Viagra. People that have tried it say that it is hard to digest.

A group of young Colombian student chefs have unveiled a new dessert that contains Viagra. You can now know what waiter tried it before serving it because he doesn’t need a tray to put the plates on.

A cop in Tennessee accidentally sent a "white pride" email to 787 state employees. He is likely to get fired but also to receive and offer to replace Lou Dobbs.

Doctors in England have given a man whose bowel was damaged in a motorcycle crash, a remote control to open his bowels and go to the toilet. The man is thankful every day of his life, except those days his kid mistakes the TV remote control from his…

An English man, whose bowel was damaged in a motorcycle crash, can now use remote control to open them and go to the toilet. He just tunes in The View and immediately feels like crapping.

The deepest living fish ever spotted have been caught on camera. Apparently, it was swimming next to Obama’s ratings.

The movie 2012 opened this weekend in movie theaters. I saw the movie, and Mayans were right, 2012 was going to be a disaster.

The movie 2012 opened this weekend. It is a very long movie; I think it is called 2012 because that is more or less when the movie ends.

A company in Japan developed a video game that makes you date a virtual girlfriend and eventually if you succeed you get to kiss her. It is going to be tough to pass the first level; why do you think those kids spend hours and hours playing video games, because they don’t have girlfriends.

The AP read an advance copy of Sarah Palin’s new book and said that it is full of errors. The publisher says now that they might rename the book “Going Wrong.”

The AP read an advance copy of Sarah Palin’s new book and said that it is full of errors. On Palin’s defense, do you know how hard is to concentrate when you get distracted all the time looking at Russian from your window?

Some senators have proposed a constitutional amendment to limit how long a person may serve in Congress. That will definitely help improve a congressman’s performance because now they will only have a limited number of years to enrich themselves.

A study has found that household chores like using a vacuum cleaner or microwave can reduce a man’s sperm count due to the exposure to electromagnetic fields. That’s why in order to increase my sperm count, I told my wife to hire a young hot maid.

November 15th 2009

2009-11-15T10:05:00.001-08:00

Rumors are CNN is quite pleased with Lou Dobbs’ announcement of quitting the show. Apparently, they were tired their gardens and plants looked like crap because Dobbs always wanted to be in charge of hiring the gardeners.

Dolly Parton was on "The Jay Leno Show" last night. Apparently, Jay is expecting to get a BOUNCE in the ratings with that interview.

Did you hear that the parents of Balloon boy got a reality TV show: They are going to be in the MSNBC show called “Lockup.” …… Today Richard Heene pleaded guilty and he’d better have the same skills his son had to hide in jail or otherwise Bubba is going to find him.

New York Yankees Derek Jeter has a cameo as a homeless guy in a comedy called "The Other Guys". Apparently, he practiced for the role impersonating some Cub’s players.

A 12-year-old girl has a rare disease that makes her sneeze up to 20 times a minute, or 12,000 times a day. She said that it is not that bad, unless she has diarrhea.

A 12-year-old girl has a rare disease that makes her sneeze up to 20 times a minute, or 12,000 times a day. Apparently, she is known to need more paper tissue than Pee Wee Herman.

The woman who wrote the "Twilight" books gave Oprah an interview today. But if you want to hear really scary stuff, tune into Oprah on Monday when she interviews Palin.

Some preview clips of the Sarah Palin interview with Oprah Winfrey were released yesterday. I really enjoyed the part when Oprah screams to her audience: “And you get to shoot a wolf, and you get to shoot a wolf and you get to shoot”…….. Another wonderful clip was when Palin starts jumping up and down on the sofa telling Oprah, how much she loves America.

Sarah Palin told Oprah that she knew the interview with Katie Couric went poorly even though her handlers had told her she did great. Yeah, trusting your handlers is like trusting husbands when you ask them if you look fat in those pants…

Carrie Prejean told Sean Hannity that she was not having sex in the video that was sent to her ex-boyfriend. In fact she pointed at herself and said: I did not have sexual relationships with this woman…

A man in Texas drove his million-dollar sports car, a 2006 Bugatti Veyron , off a road and into a salt marsh near Galveston when he veered to avoid a low- flying pelican. Can we please get Captain 'Sully' Sullenberger quick on a plane before he keeps crashing all the cars?

A wife posed as a schoolgirl online to catch her husband using an internet chatroom to groom underage girls for sex. Maybe if she had acted like a school girl around the house, her husband wouldn’t have visited those chatrooms.

Researchers at the Institute of Microsurgery in Melbourne, Australia, announced they're going to start a medical trial using stem cells to grow breast. It is not new, there’s already a machine for creating boobs. It is called: Fox News.

McDonalds is looking to hire an assistant manager for its outlet at Guantanamo Bay. So if you want that job start practicing saying: “Would you like freedom fries with that waterboarding sir?”

McDonalds is looking to hire an assistant manager for its outlet at Guantanamo Bay. They are already getting thousands and thousands of applications for that job, not so much because they care about that position, but people know that in Guantanamo you have more chances of getting the H1N1 vaccines.

November 13th 2009

2009-11-13T18:18:00.001-08:00

Did you hear about Carrie Prejean’s sex tape? Apparently, there's a video of her taking care of herself... which proves what we all suspected, that she is a strong Bush supporter! Actually, she now claims she did the video because Miss America organizers told her to go screw herself.

Longtime CNN host Lou Dobbs shocked his viewers Wednesday by announcing that he would be leaving the network effective immediately. You know that he doesn’t like minorities and, judging by the latest CNN’s ratings, CNN could be consider one.

Longtime CNN host Lou Dobbs quit his show last night. Imagine how he is going to feel when he finds out he’ll be replaced by Carlos Mencia!

President Obama is visiting China. Apparently, he is just going there to reassure them that he is taking good care of their country, the US.

A new study shows that seniors should walk quickly, not slowly, for optimum cardiovascular health. That’s why I started telling grandpa to hurry up because Obama’s death panels were in the area.

Hundreds of New Yorkers applied to be "ambassadors" at Charmin's Times Square restrooms, where they will earn $10,000 for six weeks of work. So far, the one with more chances to get the job is Larry Craig, who offered to do it for free.

Hundreds of New Yorkers applied to be "ambassadors" at Charmin's Times Square restrooms, where they will earn $10,000 for six weeks of work. Mmm… sorry but this smells like a load of crap.

Police charged a United Airlines pilot on suspicion of being drunk. His name: Captain Morgan.

Cuba has ordered its people to adopt "extreme measures" to cut energy usage through the end of the year. This is the end of Fidel Castro, because the only thing that uses energy in Cuba is his respiratory machine.

Hollywood actress Jane Fonda said in an interview that her sex life at 71 is better than ever, despite her metal hip and spinal surgery. Apparently, that is how she broke her hip, doing it at 71.

According to beautifulpeople.com, the ugliest women in the world are in Germany. Now you know why they drink so much beer there.

A judge ruled that a quadriplegic can mount a gun to his wheelchair and shoot his gun by blowing through a tube. I just hope he doesn’t catch a cold and start coughing and sneezing, or this could be a disaster.

A judge ruled that a quadriplegic can mount a gun to his wheelchair and shoot his gun by blowing through a tube. Hopefully, nobody shows him any porn and he gets agitated because it could end up in a disaster.

november 12th 2009

2009-11-12T18:29:00.001-08:00

Police charged a United Airlines pilot on suspicion of being drunk as he was about to help fly a passenger plane from Heathrow Airport. The pilot admitted he was drunk but said he was going to sleep it off during the flight.

Police charged a United Airlines pilot on suspicion of being drunk as he was about to help fly a passenger plane from Heathrow Airport. I don’t think the pilot understands he’s got a problem, because when his friends suggested going to AA meetings, he said that American Airlines was not going to hire him.

A deer was killed when it jumped into the lion’s den at the National Zoo in Washington this weekend in front of dozens spectators. They were really disappointed; especially the next day when they came for the same show and found out everything had been just an accident.

New research found that teenagers who take part in team sports may have a higher risk of drug and alcohol abuse. Well, they have to be ready in case they become pro-athletes.

The hugely anticipated “Call of Duty, Modern Warfare 2” video game went on sale on Tuesday. Unfortunately, most Democrats were disappointed with the game when they found out the war in the game wasn’t between Fox and the Obama administration.

Thousands of people waited for hours in line to get their hands on the new “Call of Duty, Modern Warfare 2” video game. It’s not like they have much to do, most of them are unemployed.

As a holiday gift to weary travelers, Google is offering free Wi-Fi at 47 airports from now through January 15th, 2010. Because that is exactly what we need, more pilots distracted looking at porn in their laptops.

After 40 years, Steven Tyler may be leaving Aerosmith. Apparently, the main complaint among the members of the band is that the dude looks like an old lady.

The Democrats' health care bill will provide insurance to 96% of Americans. Apparently, the death panels will take care the other 4%.

More than one million strollers have been recalled because babies are losing their fingers in them. Madonna is concerned; what if his boyfriend Jesus loses his fingers? Where is she going to put the ring?

A British lobbying group has criticized a fire department for spending six hours on the rescue of a pet duck trapped in a pond's overflow pipe. The group settled after the firefighters decided to share their Duck a L'orange with them.

Glenn Beck had an emergency appendectomy this week. Doctors didn’t need to do much during the operation; the appendix couldn’t wait to run away from Glen Beck.

The female astronaut who drove to Florida in a diaper was sentenced to two days in jail. When asked if she was satisfied with the sentence she replied, “it depends”

George Lopez' new show premiered Monday. His audience consists mostly of Latinos, because once again Latinos are doing the jobs Americans don’t want to do.

Dina Lohan says Lindsay was dating Heath Ledger when he died. And today police ruled Ledger’s death as a suicide.

November 11th 2009

2009-11-11T18:27:00.001-08:00

According to a new report from the Center for Responsive Politics about the wealth of our elected officials, there are 237 millionaires in Congress. So in a way, we can say that Congress is as rich as the Yankees, but unfortunately, it performs like the Cubs.

New research found that having a poor supervisor increments your chances of having a heart attack. Now that explains Dick Cheney’s bad heart condition.

According to a new research, workers feel ten years younger after they retire. Great, by the time I’m ready to retire, I’m going to feel like a 110.

President Obama said yesterday that he is considering making a decision to consider sending troops to Afghanistan.

A Brazilian woman whose short, pink dress caused a near riot at a private college and led to her expulsion will be allowed to return to class. Because that’s precisely what she needs… class.

A Brazilian woman whose short, pink dress caused a near riot at a private college and led to her expulsion will be allowed to return to class. It worked for that school, because today people from all over the world are registering to study in that college.

A blond, attractive Brazilian woman whose short, pink dress caused a near riot at a private college and led to her expulsion will be allowed to return to class. I don’t think she cares anymore about college; she already got offers to work in Univision and Fox News.

A woman in Canada stole $21,000 from her boyfriend because she wanted him to break up with her. I’m not this guy, but I think a text would have been enough.

A woman in Canada stole $21,000 from her boyfriend because she wanted him to break up with her. That never works, look at politicians, they keep stealing from us, and we keep voting for them.

A judge is temporarily blocking Jennifer Lopez’s ex-husband releasing a movie about her. Apparently, the judge is afraid the movie could be as bad as Gigli…

A sex tape of Carrie Prejean has surfaced. In the video she is all by herself. I don’t want to give you more details, but it is evident that she is a strong Bush supporter.

According to a new survey, re-gifting is becoming more common in America. Take the democrats for example; they seem to be willing to regift the seats they won in 2009.

Sammy Sosa’s agent says that Sosa’s skin looks lighter because he is going through a skin rejuvenation process. Actually, Joan Rivers went through the same rejuvenation process; what nobody knows is that in the past she was as black as Whoopy Goldberg.

Ellen DeGeneres was on "Oprah" yesterday. Two day talk giants met for the first time; actually, one day talk giant, Oprah.

November 10th 2009

2009-11-10T05:11:00.000-08:00

Rep. Anh "Joseph" Cao, of Louisiana, was the only Republican congressman that voted in favor of the Health Care reform bill on Saturday. He’ll need the Health Care bill more than ever now, because Fox News and the rest of the Republican Party are going to beat the heck out of him.

Congress passed a landmark health care legislation Saturday night. It was shocking; Congress working on Saturday night?

Congress passed a landmark health care legislation Saturday night. It was quite awkward when Pelosi said last call for voting, and a few congressmen asked for scotch, martini and bourbon.

Maria Shriver had a birthday on Friday. She is now 54… lbs…

Maria Shriver had a birthday on Friday. And if you want to get her something useful, you cannot fail with a blue tooth.

On Friday, Tyra Banks had a woman with two vaginas on her show. It just gives me the chill to think of how annoying she could be that time of the month!

An American woman suffered a sudden attack of amnesia after having sex with her husband. That’s why I always tell my dates we need to film everything.

An American woman suffered a sudden attack of amnesia after having sex with her husband… unlike my wife who keeps reminding me that we don’t need to do it today because we did it last month.

An American woman suffered a sudden attack of amnesia after having sex with her husband. That’s a lucky, lucky man.

A man in China is auctioning 5,000 condoms from the 2008 Olympics. Great, I’ll buy them and I’m covered for the weekend.

A man in China is auctioning 5,000 condoms from the 2008 Olympics. 5,000 Chinese condoms… perfect; I combine all of them and make one my size.

A woman is going to give birth live online. The baby is expected to be born after 8 months, 2 weeks and 3 minutes of buffering.

Sammy Sosa's skin appears to have lightened considerably because of the use of steroids. Actually, people don’t know this, but Mark McGwire used to be as black as Morgan Freeman.

Sammy Sosa's skin appears to have lightened considerably because of the use of steroids. The skin color didn’t change much, but the fact that steroids shrink your junk gives you the illusion that he looks whiter.

Sammy Sosa's skin appears to have lightened considerably because of the use of steroids. And today Republicans started putting steroids in their kids’ breakfast.

Thieves in Florida stole 90 bras from a Victoria's Secret store. Police are confident they'll solve the case because the thieves were just a bunch of boobs.

November 7th 2009

2009-11-07T10:13:00.001-08:00

A baby missing for five days in Florida was found alive and well under her baby sitter's bed. Immediately after that, the baby said his first words: “We did it for the show!”

A baby missing for five days in Florida was found alive and well under her baby sitter's bed. Apparently, the new problem now is that every time a kid goes missing police looks up in the sky for a balloon.

President Obama hosted an event at the White House this week celebrating classical music. Unfortunately, the orchestra picked up the mood at the White House and played a requiem.

President Obama said during a speech that one day Malia got a 73 on her science test, but after he and Michelle sat down with her to talk about it, she improved and brought a 95 in the test. So if Michelle and Obama are so good, why don’t they sit down and have a chat with the members of congress.

A woman in Australia discovered right after she got married that she was allergic to her husband’s sperm. It is not that uncommon; it happens very often after getting married.

A woman in Australia discovered right after she got married that she was allergic to her husband’s sperm. It is not that uncommon; a lot of people are allergic to nuts.

There's a resort in Austria where you can swim in a pool of beer. And since it is light beer, you can also take a leak in the pool and nobody would notice the difference.

The Chinese government has approved construction of a Shanghai Disneyland. It’ll be quite similar to Disneyland in America; they only difference is that Goofy will be served in their restaurants.

A new study says that kissing may have developed as a way for a woman to build immunity from a virus called cytomegalovirus, which is present in saliva. In other news, Susan Boyle is suffering from cytomegalovirus.

A leaked copy of Palin’s victory speech had she won the 2009 elections surfaced this week. It reads: “nanana nanaaaana!”

Verne Troyer's, former girlfriend has gotten a temporary restraining order against him that prohibits him from being within 150 yards of her. And that in Verne’s measurements is like being in another state.

Lady Gaga says the ultimate accessory is a condom. And if you are going to go out with her, the second most important accessory is ear plugs.

Senate Democrats have blocked a GOP attempt to require next year's census forms to ask people whether they are a U.S. citizen. Apparently, Democrats were concerned that Obama may answer NO.

Senate Democrats have blocked a GOP attempt to require next year's census forms to ask people whether they are a U.S. citizen. Apparently, Democrats were concerned the population of California may turn out to be 2.

A Detroit UPS driver was fired for opening and refusing to deliver a package that contained four pounds of marijuana. No wonder the Detroit Lions didn’t do well in their last game.

November 5th 2009

2009-11-05T17:47:00.000-08:00

A PGA golfer has tested positive for steroids. Authorities suspected there was something weird with him after he started using the golf club as a bat.

Today is the first anniversary of Obama’s presidency. It is weird; the only ones I saw celebrating last night were Republicans.

Some people at the White House say that Obama looks skinny because he’s skipping too many meals to run the country. He lost more than 40lbs… sorry; those are the points he lost in his approval ratings.

A picture of a very skinny Obama surfaced the web yesterday. It is nothing to be concerned; it was retouched by Ralph Lauren.

A picture of a very skinny Obama surfaced the web yesterday. Doctors suggested he should stop having lunch with Oprah.

A picture of a very skinny Obama surfaced the web yesterday. And today Republicans say that this is clear evidence he wasn’t born in this country.

Two terrorists in northern India were killed by a bear when they hid in its cave. And today Obama deployed Yogi Bear and Smokey the bear to Afghanistan.

New Zealand mayor provoked outrage by suggesting that government should pay 'problem parents' not to have children. If that includes Octomom and Jon & Kate, I’m willing to cheap in…

A man in Colorado stabbed himself just so he wouldn't have to go to work at blockbuster. I hope it catches on and the guy that recommended me “Ghosts of Girlfriends Past” at my neighborhood Blockbuster does the same.

A Minneapolis woman will give birth to her first baby live on the internet. I have AOL. My connection is so slow, by the time I’m done with the delivery, the baby is going to be 5 years old.

A giant crack in Africa will create a new ocean. And today a confused Amy Winehouse bought tickets to Africa.

According to a recent study, almost 700 million people worldwide would move to another country. Still none of them is willing to go to Detroit.

Usain Bolt, the world's fastest man, adopted the world's fastest cat, a cheetah, as part of a conservation effort. And also as a training tool, as every morning he marinates his body and lets the cheetah chase him.

A man in England claims that he is allergic to his wife and breaks out in a rash whenever he goes near her. The disease is known in the medical arena as Clintonitis.

NASA will expose monkeys to daily radiation in order to better understand the effects of long space trips on humans. I can’t wait to see them throwing glowing poo at each other.

Virgin Atlantic launched an iPhone application to help people with fear of flying. It is called I-drink.

During an interview, Rhianna said that after she was assaulted by Chris Brown, she went to sleep as Rhianna and woke up as Britney Spears. Apparently, the beating affected her vocal chords.

November 4th 2009

2009-11-04T06:52:00.001-08:00

Jessica Simpson said in a magazine that she loves intellectual men. Don’t feel discouraged; for Jessica, an intellectual man is someone like President Bush.

The official that decided to kick off the 2-year-old kid of a Southwest Airline might be disciplined by the company. Apparently, they are mad at him because he didn’t see the business opportunity to charge more for tickets located far away from the kid.

Kate Gosselin was ticketed for going 70 miles an hour in a 55-mile-an-hour zone. Apparently, she was speeding because she doesn’t want to miss the last seconds of her 15 minutes of fame.

Everybody is surprised because an American man won the New York City Marathon on Sunday. They shouldn’t be surprised; it is a clear sign that we’re becoming a third world country.

Mattel is coming out with a new gay Ken doll. How disappointed and bored is he going to be when he finds out that the original Ken doll doesn’t have anything under his clothes.

During an NBA game, Spurs player Manu Ginobili, swatted a bat out of the air with his bare hand and then handed it to a security personnel. “Woosy… he didn’t even bite it,” said Ozzy.

During an NBA game, Spurs player Manu Ginobili, swatted a bat out of the air with his bare hand and then handed it to a security personnel. And now PETA wants him charged with assault and BATtery.

NBA player Manu Ginobili had to be vaccinated for rabies. No, it wasn’t because he caught a bat during a game. Apparently, he shook hands with Lou Dobbs.

Some people at the White House say that Obama looks skinny because he’s skipping too many meals to run the country. And also because you know how difficult is it to find food tasters every single day?

Some people at the White House say that Obama looks skinny because he’s skipping too many meals to run the country. How ironic, the way he is running the country is making a lot of people skip several meals too.

The ABC affiliate in Washington is airing a special about breast self-exams during the fall "sweeps" period. It works for Fox News; they get huge ratings showing big boobs like Hannity and Glen Beck…

The U.S. dropped from sixth to ninth on this year's list of the most prosperous countries in the world. Things are not likely to change because when experts at the White House were asked about the drop, they giggled and said “Ha, from Six to Nine!!”

A company that is opening the first hotel in space says they already rented their first room for 2012. The room cost $4.4 million, but Republicans are willing to spend anything to hide Sarah Palin on Election Day.

The FAA has revoked the licenses of the pilots of the Northwest Airlines flight that overshot the Minneapolis Airport. They are not worried; they know they are going to make lots of money as cab drivers.

November 3rd 2009

2009-11-03T04:29:00.000-08:00

A 2 year-old kid was kicked off a Southwest Airlines flight before takeoff on Saturday because he was being too loud and cranky. Apparently, the airline was concerned the screams were gonna wake up the pilots.

Due to Fall Back, we turned the clock back one hour in the United States. So, technically, that means Conan O Brian took once again Leno’s spot.

On Sunday we gained one hour because of Fall Back. That’s relative, because I’m a Philly fan and I wasted the extra hour watching the 4th game of the series.

On Sunday we gained one hour because of Fall Back. Unfortunately, after Obama’s taxes, you’re lucky if you still have 10 minutes left.

Former US President Bill Clinton attended the unveiling of a statue of himself in Kosovo's capital Pristina. Now they just need to find a couple of chubby chicks to help get it erected…

During the unveiling of a statue of himself in Kosovo's capital Pristina, Bill Clinton thanked everybody and said that Hillary asked for a picture of him next to the statue. Of course, Hillary wants evidence that he was really in Kosovo and not at a strip joint somewhere in the world.

2,000 kids went trick or treating to the White House for Halloween. The kids were not happy; Obama forced them to leave 50% of the candies they had collected before they arrived.

“This Is It", the documentary about Michael Jackson, pulled in $101 million worldwide in its first five days. And today, Tito, Jermaine, and Joe Jackson announced a sequel called “This time I promise, this is really it!"”

The woman that wanted to trade sex for tickets to the World Series attended a game without having to have any sexual activity. Well, kind of, because she saw the entire game sitting on the flag pole at the stadium.

The woman that wanted to trade sex for tickets to the World Series is still catching some slack. Why? What do you think Kate Hudson has to do with A-Rod to get the tickets she gets for every game?

Joe Jackson said that Michael Jackson is “worth more dead than he was alive”. He would probably make the same amount of money dead or alive, but being dead prevents him from wasting any money on settlements.

A Zoo in the Gaza strip painted stripes on two donkeys to make them look like zebras because it is cheaper than getting real ones. They didn’t say anything, but apparently the giraffe is also two donkeys on top of each other.

A Zoo in the Gaza strip painted stripes on two donkeys to make them look like zebras because it is cheaper than getting real ones. Donkeys are good at transforming into other animals… Look at Lieberman; a donkey doing a great job acting like an elephant.

According to a new exhibition, an Indian doctor working in 600 B.C. might have been the world's first plastic surgeon. And his first patient? Joan Rivers.

An Indian man is suing the company Axe after he failed to land a single girlfriend during seven years of using their products. This is not the first time the company has been sued; there have been several fat women that bought the “chocolate” deodorant hoping their partners would turn into a Hershey bar.

The FAA has revoked the licenses of the pilots of the Northwest Airlines flight that overshot the Minneapolis Airport. They are not worried; they know they are going to make lots of money as cab drivers.

Boeing has chosen South Carolina as the location for its new factory to make the 787 jet. Mark Sandford already promised to test the first plane on a trip to Argentina.

Chaz Bono gave an interview to talk about her gender reassignment surgery. She turned 40 and just got a penis. It doesn’t make any sense to get a penis when you are 40, just when you are not going to use it that often anymore?

Jessica Simpson said in a magazine that she loves intellectual men. Don’t feel discouraged; for Jessica, an intellectual man is someone like President Bush.

President Obama's former campaign manager reveals in a new memoir that he believes Bill Clinton ruined Hillary's chances of becoming vice president, making it the first time in years that Bill screwed Hillary.

Ocotber 31st 2009

2009-10-31T17:21:00.000-07:00

Today is Halloween; actually, for Republicans it was yesterday; what a scare they got when they saw the new health care reform bill!

Today is Halloween. If you don’t have money for a costume for your kids, just make them go trick or treating and sneezing on people as if they had swine flu.

Today is Halloween. I saw Obama’s daughters going around the White House asking for candies and dressed up as Fox news reporters.

Harvard Professor Henry Louis Gates and Cambridge police Sergeant James Crowley were spotted at a pub in Cambridge Wednesday night. And today, Fox News started reporting that president Obama turned them into alcoholics.

Harvard Professor Henry Louis Gates and Cambridge police Sergeant James Crowley were spotted at a pub in Cambridge Wednesday night. Apparently, they are planning to organize a beer Summit between Obama and Fox News.

A doctor in Chicago invented a brassiere that in an emergency can be turned into a pair of protective face masks. That’s great, now every time I spot a woman wearing one of those, I am going to pretend there’s a gas leak.

A doctor in Chicago invented a brassiere that in an emergency can be turned into a pair of protective face masks. Better be ready, because I’m going to start faking I got the swine flu all the time.

A doctor in Chicago invented a brassiere that in an emergency can be turned into a pair of protective face masks. Unfortunately, Nicole Richie’s bra looks more like a clown nose than a face mask.

A doctor in Chicago invented a brassiere that in an emergency can be turned into a pair of protective face masks. So, with Dolly Parton’s bra we can protect an entire football team.

Southwest Airlines announced one-way travel as low as $25 for travel up to 375 miles. But just like any cab driver, they‘ll do what pilots of the Northwest airlines did and keep you on the air for a while so you’ll have to pay more.

According to a recent survey conducted through the Intel Corporation, parents are more comfortable talking with their kids about drugs than about science and math. Apparently, the survey was conducted at a Phish concert.

According to a recent survey conducted through the Intel Corporation, parents are more comfortable talking with their kids about drugs than about science and math. You know how difficult it is to explain to kids the conversion from grams to ounces?

The House health care bill unveiled Thursday clocks in at 1,990 pages and about 400,000 words. It’d better offer a good plan for the optometrist.

There’s an online test that can determine if you're a racist by showing you photos of people of different races, and asks you to assign values, either positive or negative. Be careful… Lou Dobbs already punched and broke 5 computers while taking the test.

The chairman of the National Endowment for the Arts said President Obama "is the most powerful writer since Julius Caesar." Does it mean we are on our way to be like the Roman Empire and collapse?

The website X-17 Online says that Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson broke up and Lindsay now has been seen with a man. Don’t get all happy that she is going straight, guys; the guy was Adam Lambert.

October 29th 2009

2009-10-29T04:04:00.000-07:00

Kate Gosselin says she'd "love to be in a movie at some point." She would have been perfect in the movie Amelia, but in her case people would have rooted for her to get lost.

President Bush made his debut as a motivational speaker this week. It motivated a lot of people to become president, because if Bush could, everybody can.

A woman in Georgia scared off a burglar by getting on the floor and acting like a large dog. Unfortunately the other thief had a stick, tossed it while screaming: “catch it” and then ransacked the house.

Football analyst Bob Griese was suspended for making a racial comment about Juan Pablo Montoya. Not everything was bad news for Griese; CNN hired him to fill in for Lou Dobbs.

While presenting a trophy at a London Hotel, Amy Winehouse had a wardrobe malfunction. People got a look at her new boobs, and like always she also showed her crack.

A woman in Philadelphia was arrested for offering sex in exchange for World Series tickets on craigslist. I know the tickets are expensive, but… come on A-Rod; get Kate Hudson some tickets.

A woman in Philadelphia was arrested for offering sex in exchange for World Series tickets on craigslist. What’s wrong in exchanging a seat for a seat?

A woman in Philadelphia was arrested for offering sex in exchange for World Series tickets on craigslist. Judging by her looks, she’d be lucky if she gets outfield tickets.

A woman in Philadelphia was arrested for offering sex in exchange for World Series tickets on craigslist. Police should let her go, because that would be the only chance someone from Philly would get to score during this series.

International wildlife experts said Tuesday that the world's tiger population is declining fast despite efforts to save them. This is really sad news, unless of course you are Roy Horn.
A new study found that oral herpes could lead to Alzheimer’s. No wonder Paris Hilton has such a hard time remembering the lyrics of her songs.

A new study found that oral herpes could lead to Alzheimer’s. How convenient; now when your wife asks you how you got it, you claim you can’t remember.
A new study found that oral herpes could lead to Alzheimer’s. I always knew my grandpa was a player!