Friday, Past Jokes from May

Capitol Hill
Last Friday Police sealed off part of Capitol Hill after reports that a bang sound had been heard in the office building. Everybody panicked except congressmen who thought that it was just Patrick Kennedy driving by.

Raids
Republican House Members asked president Bush to demand the FBI to stop raids on U.S. congressmen's offices because it violates the separation of powers. Immediately after they heard that, Paco, Pedro and Jose, Capitol Hill's cooks, asked Bush if could also stop raids on illegal immigrants that work in the kitchen of congress.

Anna Nicole Smith
According to the Florida media, doctors said sexually transmitted diseases among senior citizens are running rampant at a popular Central Florida retirement community. The media also reported that Anna Nicole Smith have been seen visiting town.

American Idol
65 million people voted for the last American Idol. Actually 65.375.992 according to the NSA.

Bush didn't want to miss the chance of being part of American Idol and called the winner, Taylor Hicks immediately after the competition, it was not to congratulate him, but to make sure he can use the Soul Patrol to protect the border with Mexico.

Did you see Clay Aikens new haircut? Apparently the pop star is auditioning for the movie The Da Vince Code II

Did you see David Hasselhoff crying after they announce the winner? He was not emotional about that, apparently somebody told him KITT got towed.

Bush Press Conference
During a press conference president Bush admitted that the use of tough talk hurt him at the end and that he should express himself and a more "sophisticated" manner. Apparently the president is going to ask former New Jersey governor James McGreevey for help on that regard.

Bush also admitted that he was mistaken when he challenged the insurgents with the phrase "Bring it on".... because they did.

Immigration Bill
Things are still not clear after the senate passed the new Immigration bill. The law makes a distinction between illegals who've been here for more than 2 years and those who haven't . Apparently those who've been here longer than two years get to travel at the front of the pick up truck when they get picked up at Home Depot to do yard work, the others in the trailer.

Plans for a new Wal-Mart Super Center to be built in Albuquerque's North Valley has drawn controversy because some neighbors think it would negatively affect their quality of life. Wal-Mart wants to open new stores? That tells you how serious the security in the border is going to be.

Fox and Arnold
Mexican President Vicente Fox finished his visit to the United States with a meeting with Arnold Schwarzenegger. Things got a little bit awkward, specially when Arnold asked Fox why he doesn't get along with Chong anymore.

Several members of the press were there to cover the meeting, but ended up covering their ears when they heard Fox and Arnold butchering the English language.

Al Gore
An emergency radio station mistakenly warned that a massive, volcanic mudflow was headed from the flanks of Mount Rainier and that listeners in the valley below should rush to higher ground. After the incident the program director of the station, Al Gore, apologized for the mistake.

Bird Flue
White House Officials told the press they are committed to prevent the bird flu virus from spreading in America. They are willing to do anything they can, even executing some chicks, the Dixie Chicks.


Enron
Former Enron Corp. chiefs Kenneth Lay and Jeffrey Skilling were convicted of conspiracy to commit securities and wire fraud. Remember the playboy edition of Women of Enron? Well, for some inmates Kenneth and Jeffrey will look like they belong to that edition of playboy .....

After they heard the latest about Enron CEOs, some congressmen said this conviction brings memories of the importance of what to do with your retirement money. That is why they'd rather keep the retirement money inside their fridge.

Former Enron Corp. chiefs Kenneth Lay and Jeffrey Skilling were convicted of conspiracy to commit securities and wire fraud. Suddenly several congressmen invited themselves to go hunting with Dick Chenney.

William Jefferson
Republicans have come to the defense of suspected Congressman William Jefferson, saying the FBI should surrender documents and other items that were seized during the raid, specially the Thanksgiving leftovers that they took when they raided Jefferson's fridge.
It is funny to see how fast you lose power when you are not in congress anymore. The other day I opened Tom Delay's freezer and I found 2 fudgesicles

Vicente Fox
During Mexican president Vicente Fox visit to the States people spotted several similarities with president Bush. Both presidents can't be reelected, they both live in a ranch, they both sound like English is not their first language.

Immigration Reform
Extreme conservatives believe that president Bushs immigration reform is not serious enough in securing the border, specially when they found out FEMA was in charge of building the wall.

Hillary Clinton
Hillary Clinton called for most of the country to return to 55 mph speed limit. According to the senator this is going to help Americans save gas and help her to catch Bill Clinton.

William Jefferson
Democratic Congressman William Jefferson is under investigation after FBI agents found $90,000 in cash in his refrigerator. How stupid you have to be to hide cash in your freezer when you know that the first thing a fat cop is going to check is your refrigerator

I think I chose the wrong profession, the other day I opened my fridge and there was only one lemon and a bottle of water.

Continuing an investigation about bribes among congressmen, FBI agents raided Patrick Kennedys house and found $90,000 dollars worth of alcohol in his refrigerator.

Vicente Fox
In his visit to the United States, Mexican president Vicente Fox is having breakfast with business people for $150 dollars a plate. Apparently he is going to send the money via Western Union to his family members in Mexico.

Do you think he arrived in his presidential van?

Mexican president Vicente Fox was quite reticent to talk to the press but in few words he made clear he has a position in the issue that has dominated America in the last couple of months: He likes Taylor Hicks.

Research on Diet Drinks
A new research found that alcoholic drinks mixed with artificial sweeteners get you drunker. The same research determined that at least you are going to wake up with someone ugly but not fat.


Fox Visits USA
Mexican president Vicente Fox starts today his four-day visit to the United States. He must be extremely popular in Mexico because today hundreds of Mexicans sacrificed their lives to cross the border to see him.

When President Bush asked Vicente Fox how he could be so sincere when describing to Mexicans living in the United States how horrible things are going in Mexico now , Fox answered that he wants to be sure they stay.

10%
According to the latest survey, roughly 10 percent of Mexico's population of about 107 million is now living in the United States. This was seen as a great business opportunity for several American companies like General Motors which decided to design bigger vans to bring the other 90%.

Britney Spears
Britney Spears stumbled outside a Manhattan hotel and nearly dropped her baby Sean, once again igniting comments about her parenting skills. To avoid problems with her future baby, Britneys doctor told her that for the next one, he has decided not to cut the umbilical cord so she wont be able to drop him.

Fidel Castro
According to Cuban President Fidel Castro's personal doctor, the communist leader enjoys vibrant health and will live to be 140 years old. Immediately after hearing the news, the New York Mets decided the construction of a recruitment camp in the beaches of Florida.

According to Cuban President Fidel Castro's personal doctor, the communist leader enjoys vibrant health and will live to be 140 years old. Sadly for Castro, Cuban citizens couldnt celebrate because they were afraid to lose their place in the line for toilet paper.

Hugo Chavez
As part of a military exercise to train troops, Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez staged a mock foreign invasion to prepare its citizen for a possible war. He immediately received a letter from Bush asking Chavez to stage a mock troop exit after the invasion to see if he can copy it and use it for Iraq.

Drunk Captain
The captain of a cruise ship docked in Seattle has been stripped of command and will be fired after he failed an alcohol breath test. Actually the pilot claims he was not drunk, it was just a combination of Ambien and stomach flu medicine.

Da Vinci Code
After years and years of study, paintings students have finally unveiled one of the most fascinating riddles in art history. They found out why the painting of "Mona Lisa" has that mysterious smile, apparently she was laughing at Tom Hanks' haircut.

Movie critics gave the movie "The Da Vinci Code" very negative reviews. The movie critics were so harsh with the film that the "Mona Lisa" stopped smiling.

The captain of a cruise ship docked in Seattle has been stripped of command and will be fired after he failed an alcohol breath test. Visibly upset about what happened, the captain left the ship, hopped on his private plane and flew away.

Gay Marriage and Immigration
Senators are dealing with two hot potatoes right now , gay Marriage and immigration. Yesterday they acted quickly to solve these problems and voted on the construction of a fence to separate gay couples in bed.

Bush in Arizona
President Bush traveled to the US-Mexico border to press the immigration reform. For Bush it felt like the good old days, when his ratings were really high. He was greeted by a lot of vans packed with people, those were illegal aliens crossing the border.

President Bush traveled to the US-Mexico border to press the immigration reform. During his conversation with the media, he told reporters he felt sure Republicans were going to win the mid-term elections, judging by the amount of people that cheered him during this visit. Sadly for Bush those people were on the Mexican side of the border.

Pat Robertson
The religious broadcaster Pat Robertson said God had told him that storms and possibly a tsunami will hit America's coastline this year. The white house decided to take actions because they said they had heard that phone call.

Fashion Models
Fashion models of Italy went on strike because they feel American fashion industry is exploiting them. The Italian models decided not to strike a pose and have been moving uninterruptedly since they went on strike.

Al Gore's Movie
Students from Beverly Hills High are going to be sent to see the latest Al Gores movie about Global Warming. According to the principal, it is very important for them to know if the heat waves can melt their moms silicon.


New Shoes
On Sunday, two brothers, 14 and 15 years old, got arrested for beating up their MOM because she wouldn't buy them $100 shoes. And they were right about the shoes, because if they had new shoes they could have probably outran the cops.

TAX Breaks
The House of Representatives passed a bill Friday extending middle-class tax breaks. Which middle class?
I hope you have your house as your mailing address because if you have a P.O Box, you are screwed, your income tax refund check will hardly buy you enough gas to get to the corner of your house.

Fence
After a very controversial, passionate and heated debate, the senate agreed on the construction of a 370-mile fence to separate those senators who are in favor of illegals from those who are against them.

This Wednesday the Senate agreed on the construction of 370 miles of triple-layered fencing along the Mexican border. This is bad news for the United States sport fans because the Mexican Olympic Team has secured the gold medal in the Pole Vault event in the next summer Olympics.

Some senators claim that the reason they can't round up illegals and send them back home is that it would cost Americans a lot of money. Now that Tom Delay has resigned, can't they use all his free trips to send illegals back?

This Wednesday the senate agreed on the construction of a 370-mile fence along the Mexican border. Questioned about how expensive this is going to be for Americans , president Bush said that we shouldnt worry because they are going to build the fence with the materials they haven't used to build new levies in New Orleans.
Yesterday Wall Street had one of its worst session in three years. The only industry which stocks skyrocketed was the human-smuggling industry after the senate agreed on building the fence in the border.