Past jokes from June

Bush
Last week Reuters was criticized for publishing a picture of President Bush covered almost entirely by a podium and only showing part of his head as if Bush was short. According to the news agency it wasn't the angle of the photo that made Bush look like that, but the fact that lies have short legs.

Ann Coulter
During an interview on the Today Show, radio Host Ann Coulter called the 9-11 widows that criticized Bush a bunch of millionaire broads that profit the death of their husbands. After hearing so much crap coming out of her mouth, a stunned Matt Lauer suggested that maybe Ann Coulter was the one that needed a Colonoscopy.

Canadian Terrorists
Canadian Police reported that the 17 arrested Muslim terror suspects planned to behead the Canadian prime minister. Apparently authorities found invitations addressed to the Canadian prime minister to go hunting with Dick Cheney.

Oprah
Oprah Winfrey crashed several Tulsa, Oklahoma wedding receptions over the weekend, collecting footage that will be seen on her show. Couples were stunned to discover that their wedding cakes had suddenly vanished.

American Idol
American Idol darling Chris Daughtry has decided to do his own thing, declining a chance to front the band Fuel. That proves how stupid these American Idol contestants are when in this time and age you pass on FUEL.

Immigration
Nearly half of the estimated 12 million undocumented foreigners in the United States entered the country with legal Visas and simply never left. The solution would be to cut their food, booze and TV. It works with most of my relatives when they come to visit me during the weekend and decide to overstay.

President Bush traveled to the US-Mexico border to press the immigration reform. For Bush it felt like the good old days, when his ratings were really high. He was greeted by a lot of vans packed with people; those were illegal aliens crossing the border.

President Bush traveled to the US-Mexico border to press the immigration reform. During his conversation with the media, he told reporters he felt sure Republicans were going to win the mid-term elections, judging by the amount of people that cheered him during this visit. Sadly for Bush those people were on the Mexican side of the border.

Bush visited once again the Mexican Border to talk about immigration. Some reporters are starting to suspect that maybe he has a REAL job on the other side.

Gay Marriage
According to the department of homeland security, this week the color-coded terrorism-threat-scale changed from brown to pink, as for pundits gay marriage became the issue over illegal immigration.
Bush's latest attempt to motivate his religious conservative supporters seemed to not have been enough to rally them. That is why the White House changed its rhetoric a little bit and decided to ban gay marriage among illegal immigrants who went to see the Da Vince Code and voted for Katharine McPhee on American Idol.

Jolie and Pitts baby
The first pictures of Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt's baby were sold to a company called Getty Images for almost $5 million and the money will be given to charity. Apparently it was a tight race between several magazines and Michael Jackson and Gary Glitter who cheaped in to obtain the shots.

Free Trips
The media reported Monday that members of the US Congress and their aides took free trips worth nearly $50M paid for by corporations, trade associations and other private groups between January 2000 and June 2005. According to the latest survey Americans citizens don't oppose to these trips and agree that they should even get more money as long as it is for a one way ticket abroad.

World Cup
The United States warned key ally Germany on Monday that it should do more to stop a tide of sex workers arriving for this month's soccer World Cup. The White House is really concerned about this issue because if this continues, only the ugly hookers are going to stay in the United States.
Guess who all of a sudden went to Germany and became a huge soccer fan? Charlie Sheen.

Congress Vs FBI
Congressmen in Capitol Hill are receiving thousands of bricks via mail from advocates of a tougher Mexican border. Most of the congressmen welcomed the bricks and promised to use them to build walls to protect their offices from the FBI.
Talking about the FBI, the search for the remains of Jimmy Hoffa came up empty after digging up a suburban Detroit horse farm. Have they checked inside the fridge of some congressmen?
Higher oil prices and sliding consumer confidence sent stocks plunging this Tuesday. The only company which stocks went up was General Electric because their new line of refrigerators with more spacious freezers are selling like hot potatoes among congressmen

Oprah
Oprah is getting a record-breaking $12 million to write a book on weight loss. The problem with Oprah is that she keeps finding it.
Apparently one of the exercises she recommends in the book is to jump up and down on a couch.
According to publishers a tentative name for the book is " a million little pieces of cake"

Britney and Kev
According to tabloid reports, Britney Spears and Kevin Federline have split. A lawyer for the couple said their assets will be divided according to what everybody brought to their marriage. It seems Kevin keeps possession of the fleas.

Pelosi
Rumors are spreading in congress that minority Leader Nancy Pelosi has a new face, tighter than Simon Cowels T-shirt, due to a facelift. Apparently the rumors started when someone asked her to sing "The Gambler" thinking she was Kenny Rogers.

Kutcher
Actor Ashton Kutcher was at a bar in his native town of Homestead, in Iowa, when he decided to leave at 2 am and asked the bar manager to get him a helicopter to fly back home. The manager replied that he tried to find a pilot at that time but it was impossible. I think Kutcher must be loosing his appeal, how difficult could it be to find a pilot in a bar?

Jolie and Pitt's Baby
After the birth of the new baby girl of Hollywood couple Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt, the Nation of Namibia was in total joy , the governor offered the parents citizenship for the baby and there were discussions about making the day of the birth a national holiday. On the other hand when Britney and Kevin Federlaine had their baby, the 7/11 in town gave the first 10 customers beef jerky discounts to celebrate.

Two days after the birth of daughter Shiloh, the Hollywood couple announced they would donate $300,000 to two state hospitals in impoverished areas of Namibia. Maybe they should have also donated the placenta which in Namibia is enough to feed two towns.

Border
Bush didn't want to miss the chance of being part of American Idol and called the winner, Taylor Hicks immediately after the competition, it was not to congratulate him, but to make sure Bush can use the Soul Patrol to protect the border with Mexico.