August 28th 2007

Alberto Gonzales
President Bush said he wants someone as competent and talented as his friend Alberto Gonzales to take the position of U.S. Attorney General in September. Bush said he had several people in mind: Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff, Senator Orrin Hatch, R-Utah and Miss Teen South Carolina, Lauren Caitlin Upton.

Alberto Gonzales announced his resignation as Attorney General yesterday. He asked his friends not to send any e-mails for support because they are all automatically deleted.

Michael Vick
Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick said yesterday that he found Jesus, so please do not be mistaken next time you see him drowning dogs, he is just baptizing them.

Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick pleaded guilty yesterday. District Judge Henry E. Hudson, a very strict judge, said he won’t give his verdict until he sees Vick and his handler running around the court in circles and after examining Vick’s posture.

Larry Craig
Senator Larry Craig of Idaho pleaded guilty to disorderly conduct after making what a police officer described as sexual advances from an adjoining stall. The senator claims it’s all a misunderstanding. He slid his hand underneath the stall divider only to reach the TP to wipe his behind. Apparently by TP he meant “The Package” of the cop

A policeman in Minnesota arrested Republican senator Larry Craig at a bathroom stall. According to the cop the senator was tapping his foot next to his stall which is a recognized signal used by persons wishing to engage in lewd conduct. Craig said his actions were misconstrued but his explanation didn’t help. He said he was listening to music and tapping to the rhythm of a George Michael’s tune.

Another politician involved in a scandal for lewd conduct in a men's bathroom. All of a sudden those politicians that like to wear diapers don't look that stupid, do they?

Camilla
Prince Charles' wife Camilla said Sunday she will not attend the memorial service in London this week on the tenth anniversary of Princess Diana's death. She said she was very scared and promised not to leave her house until Michael Vick is in jail.

Obesity
According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention obesity rates continued their climb in 31 states last year. This was a more reliable survey because they sampled more people. Apparently they offered the participants Big Macs.

Ban Smoking
Many states are following Arkansas' lead in passing bills that ban smoking in cars where children six and under are present. Parents aren’t happy. How are their little kids going to kill time inside the cars, during hot scorching summer days, while they wait for their parents who are playing at the casinos?