December 12th 2006

Nicole Richie
Nicole Richie was arrested early Monday for investigation of driving under the influence. Nicole was stopped in the carpool lane, going the wrong way on the freeway while using her cell phone. Apparently she was calling 911 to report that hundreds of cars were driving on the wrong direction.

Nicole Richie was arrested early Monday for investigation of driving under the influence. Police suspected she’s taken drugs because when they asked her to walk straight on the line for the sobriety test, she wanted to snort it.

Bipartisan
Fox news has accused NBC White house reporter David Gregory of bipartisan for asking questions the Bush administration had no answers for. If Fox News is going to consider bipartisan those who ask questions Bush doesn’t know the answer to, they might have to include every teacher the president has ever had.

Christmas Trees
15 Christmas trees were removed from the Seattle airport because a rabbi demanded the airport put up an eight-foot menorah to balance the message of the Christmas trees. In other news Mel Gibson is accusing the Jews for all the deforestation in the world.

Kirk Douglas
On his 90th birthday, actor Kirk Douglas has written an open letter asking the youth to fix the world because the situation is intolerable. Unfortunately they will never know about the letter because Douglas didn’t post it on any Myspace account.

Bush
During his weekly radio address, President Bush spoke about parts of the Iraq Study Group report that agree with his policies, but he ignored the sections that criticize his administration's handling of the war. Apparently they had to fill most of the radio address with Christmas music.

Iraq
In order to turn over the security to the Iraqis, the U.S. is training the Iraqi police to be more efficient, like the U.S. police. The Iraqi police won’t be ready until they stop beating up the Jews to start beating up the African-Iraqis.

The Iraq Study Group, among several recommendations suggested a graceful exit from Iraq. Apparently they want to hire Dick Clark for the countdown.

Secretary of Defense Donald H. Rumsfeld, with only days left in office, paid a surprise farewell visit to U.S. troops in Iraq this weekend. Unfortunately he caught the soldiers cheating on him with Secretary of Defense-designate Robert Gates.

In other news
According to Hanesbrands Inc., the company that makes both L'eggs and Hanes pantyhose, sales have dropped damn near 70% in the past decade. In order to improve their sales the company decided to launch a new line of pantyhose for Evangelical pastors and congressmen.