December 4th 2006

Jessica and Ashley Simpson
A piece of gum once chewed by Jessica Simpson is up for bid on eBay. Now that she doesn’t have anything to chew, she will be able to walk again.

In a magazine interview, singer Ashlee Simpson said that she is not done with plastic surgery and now wants butt implants. She claims that at least now when she makes an ass of herself in SNL, it is gonna be a rounded, an attractive ass....

Iraq Study Group
The Iraq war study group will recommend that US forces begin to withdraw in a "graceful exit." Apparently the troops will exit flying first class.

Currency for the blind
The Treasury Department denied allegations that U.S. currency doesn’t enable blind people to differentiate among the denominations. They claim their system is infallible: if you pull out a $100 at a bar you are going to get hit on by more women than if you pull out a $1 dollar bill.

Cold
With temperatures dipping below freezing, lots of people all along the US are without power. They are called "the middle class".

X-Ray Machines
TSA will begin testing passenger x-ray machines that see right through a passenger's clothes at several airports. Coincidentally, the number of hot women suspected terrorists has increased.

Chavez
Leftist President Hugo Chavez won the re-election in Venezuela by a wide margin Sunday. It seems Chavez kept the Venezuelan voting machines Bush wanted for the midterm elections and sent the "Good" ones here.

After a huge victory, Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez is considering shutting down some television stations that he has accused of subversive activities. Apparently the only station he might leave airing is "Zorro" news.(for those who understand some Spanish)

Lohan
Lindsay Lohan has admitted she's going to AA. Considering the letter of condolence she wrote to film director Robert Altman's family, that would be the only way she could ever get an A.