October 1st 2007

Giuliani
In the last couple of weeks, Republican presidential candidate Rudi Giuliani has been saying he’s the only Republican candidate who can beat Hillary Clinton. He said that given the chance of a skirt throw down he definitely has better legs than the female Democratic opponent.

Monkey Rights
Animal rights activists are campaigning to get a chimpanzee legally declared a person. Things were working great until the monkey started throwing its feces at the judge.

Airlines
The airline industry reported that airline crashes are down 65 percent in the US. Officials said the decline has to do with an improvement by the airlines to identify and fix small problems and also to the fact that most planes spent most of the time on the runways this past year.

Trapped
A Washington state woman who was trapped in her SUV for more than a week is slowly recovering. Doctors said they expect a full recovery, but the fact that the radio of the SUV was stuck in the Rush Limbaugh show might leave some mental scars, though.

Airport men's room
Officials are trying to make the Twin Cities Airport men's room where Idaho Senator Larry Craig was arrested a less inviting spot for sexual liaisons. Apparently, they want to make them look more like the bathrooms in the Iranian International airport.

The infamous airport men's room where Sen. Larry Craig was arrested is getting new stall dividers that drop nearly to the floor to make it a less inviting spot for sexual liaisons. Officials believe the little holes they carved now can work perfectly as a way to communicate between stalls.

Nikelodeon
Nickelodeon went black for three hours Saturday afternoon so kids could exercise. Fortunately for the kids, there’s always a remote control and Disney Channel.

Partition
The U.S. Embassy in Baghdad is criticizing a Senate resolution that would divide Iraq along ethnic lines into three separate parts: those tribes with water, those with electricity, and those with food.

Cigarettes
Low-income people smoke more heavily than wealthier people do. Fortunately, we have a great health care system that is going to take care of them when they get cancer.

The children's health initiative passed by the House and Senate will be financed with a 156% increase in cigarette taxes. I guess my little kids better work that lemonade stand to pay for my pack of camels.