January 9th 2007

New Hampshire

You know what people call Mitt Romney after the Iowa and New Hampshire elections? Premature ejaculator: He always finishes in seconds.

After Hillary’s surprising victory in New Hampshire all flashes were on her, not the camera flashes, but the hot flashes.

After losing to Hillary Clinton in New Hampshire, Obama promised the media certain adjustments to his campaign to be ready for South Carolina. Political strategists had a hint when they heard an Obama staffer calling Costco to ask for a huge order of Kleenex.

On her speech, after the incredible victory in New Hampshire, Hillary Clinton said she finally found her voice. Hopefully, that means she won’t continue trying stupid accents.

After Hillary’s victory in New Hampshire, political analysts finally understood what the famous “Change” message Hillary harpooned on before the election meant. She changed from a cold, calculated robot, to a whiny, middle aged lady.

Bush
President Bush is leaving on an 8-day trip to the conflicting and dangerous Middle East, just days after the Pakistani leader Bhuto was assassinated. Bush explained the trip is a vacation package that was given to him by the Republican presidential candidates as a Christmas present.

Thousands of Israeli police will protect President Bush on his visit to Israel. Security will be very tight around Bush; nobody ever knows when you can have an unexpected visit from Bill O’ Reilly.

Eminem
According to TMZ, rapper Eminem now weighs more than 200 Lbs. Apparently, the rapper stopped sampling music and started sampling all sort of foods.

According to TMZ, rapper Eminem now weighs more than 200 Lbs. Apparently, he is not only happy with being called Eminem, he now wants to look like the M&M candy characters.

Golden Globes
This year's Golden Globes ceremony has been cancelled, organizers said Monday. How inconsiderate! What are the guys from the show Cavemen going to do with their victory thank you speech?