July 24th 2006

Child Stars
Former child star Haley Joel Osment, the star of the movie The Sixth Sense, lost control of his car and run into two other cars that were parked in the area, apparently while driving under the effect of alcohol. Doctors predict that if he continues driving and drinking he will really see dead people.

Former child star Macaulay Culkin, narrowly escaped from Israel after their vacation was ruined by rocket fire from Lebanon. Apparently the famous actor travels often to Jerusalem because that is the only place where he can get the best Jesus Juice.

Weird Fish
A fisherman in Texas caught a fish that has human-like teeth. Experts studied the fish and its crooked, yellow teeth and determined that this rare species must have come swimming from England.

American Idol
President Bush plans to host "American Idol" Taylor Hicks next Friday in the Oval Office. Apparently Bush wants to know if he can use Taylor's Soul Patrol to protect the border with Mexico.

Power Outage
The cause of the power outage that left more than a 100,000 people in New York city without electricity for six days is still unknown. Suspiciously the city has been flooded with several Halliburton Ice cream trucks.

Middle East
According to the The Jerusalem Post, Hezbollah terrorists are running out of rockets. The Israeli army came to that conclusion when they saw some Hezbollah members diving in the water to try to rescue the North Korean missiles.

Due to the conflict in the Middle East, gas prices have reached an all time high. The price of oil is so high, Israel is launching Hybrid Missiles.

Cruel Sign
A family in Utah was forced to remove a cruel piece of cardboard hanging in a tree with the words "Caution, Retards in Area" because they said their neighbor's mentally challenge kid has been harassing them for six months. Apparently some people in Washington DC are bidding to buy the sign and post it near Congress.

It is so hot that.....
It is so hot out there that they are now shooting the movie "Snakes on a Boat".
It is so hot that I went to a strip bar in Seattle and I was very happy strippers were forced to be 4 ft. away from me.
It is so hot I went to Deja Vu and I took my clothes off.
It is so hot out there I sweated more than Bush trying to explain to Laura the massage to the German Chancellor
It is so hot out there the Lady is in the Water.