August 16th 2006

Lamont
Hezbollah members gathered in the streets of Lebanon to celebrate. Reporters were not sure weather they were celebrating the cease-fire or the Lamont victory in the Connecticut primaries

The Iranian President registered his own web address and began writing a daily blog calling for the destruction of Israel, the United States and the vote for Lamont in Conecticut.

NASA
NASA officials admitted they lost the tapes of man’s first landing on the moon. They think it is gonna be hard to recreate it because going to the moon is a long trip to make with no water, shampoo or hair gel aboard.

NASA officials no longer know the whereabouts of the original tapes of man's first landing on the moon nearly 40 years ago. They said not to be worried because the kept the set of the original shooting intact.

Immigration survey
According to a recent survey almost 95% of the population in West Virginia is white. After hearing the news Lou Dobbs packed his stuff, bought a house, and moved there.

According to a recent survey almost 95% of the population in West Virginia is white. In West Virginia those Latinos at the Home Depot are not there waiting to be picked up; they are just tourist attractions.

According to new data from the U.S. Census Bureau, the immigrant population is up to 12.4%. Apparently, since Mexican channels started broadcasting "Desperate Housewives," everybody dreams of coming here to work as a gardener for those saucy girls.

Angriest city
According to Men’s Health Magazine, Orlando Florida is the angriest city in America. The survey is not that accurate, considering that it was done after the fact that Fidel Castro had not died became known.

According to Men’s Health Magazine, Orlando Florida is the angriest city in America. The reason? Try putting up with foreigners with heavy accents asking you all day long where Mickey Mouse is.

Wal-Mart
Wal-Mart posted its first profit decline in a decade blaming their large bills for fuel and utilities. Apparently the high price of gas was making it impossible to fill the vans to smuggle illegals to work for them.

In other news
Katie Couric says people tell her they want the network evening news to be an hour instead of just 30 minutes. According to a survey most of the people want the other half done in question form and starting with what or who.

Britney Spears is shopping for a new home in Santa Barbara. She said she is looking for the perfect location… near a liqueur store and a seven eleven.

Bill Clinton says he hates turning 60 because doctors put too many restriction on him. The one he resents the most is the advice of staying away from fat.