September 6th 2006

Genius Plan
Attorney General Alberto Gonzales said cities shouldn’t count on more federal funding to combat local crime. He added that this is part of Bush’s plan; if we don’t fight the terrorists in Iraq they will follow us here, so maybe if we don’t fight the criminals here they might migrate to Iraq.

KKK
Around 30 Ku Klux Klan members gathered at Gettysburg National Battlefield this past Sunday. Apparently it wasn’t a rally to proclaim hatred for other ethnicities, but rather a get together to read Pat Buchanan’s latest book.

Around 30 Ku Klux Klan members gathered at Gettysburg National Battlefield this past Sunday to proclaim hatred for Blacks, Jews, Gays and Latinos. When the rally was over most of them went back to their regular jobs as producers of the TV show Survivor.

Suri
During her first evening news broadcast, Katie Couric revealed to the world the pictures of Suri Cruise. Apparently, after the show Donald Trump summoned a press conference and denied ever having had sex with
Katie Holmes.

Some media critics agreed that Katie Couric’s idea of showing Suri Cruise’s pictures during her first news show was a brilliant marketing tool. They believe people will watch that video over and over again because the baby is so hairy and small you need several looks to discern who is Tom Cruise and who his daughter is.

Rumsfeld
Defense Secretary Donald H. Rumsfeld underwent successful shoulder surgery Tuesday. After the operation doctors advised Rumsfeld to stop the mud-slinging for a while so he can rest his arm.

Defense Secretary Donald H. Rumsfeld underwent successful shoulder surgery Tuesday. According to his doctor the injury comes from carrying over his shoulders the death of so many innocent and brave American soldiers.

Bin Laden
According to a study at the University of Bristol in England, if you don't shave every day, your chances of having a stroke go up 70% because your body accumulates testosterone when it's not growing hair. The Bush administration claims to have known this study and that is why they have been hiding Bin Laden’s razor blades for a long time.

Freddy Mercury
A celebrity Psychic claims that she talked to Freddy Mercury and he was quite upset because he cannot get any sex in the afterlife. According to Mercury there are only 72 virgins walking around but nothing that raises his interest.

Ford
Ford Motor Co. surprised the auto industry by tapping senior Boeing executive Alan Mulally as its new chief executive officer. The new executive promised he is going to work hard and use his experience in Boeing to make Ford cars at least as fuel efficient as a plane.

Rove
Authors James Moore and Wayne Slater wrote a book that reveals Karl Rove's father, Louis Rove, was homosexual. Karl Rove was infuriated and ready to complain about the outing but then he remembered what he did to Valerie Plame.