June 25th 2007

Paris Hilton
Paris Hilton is going to give her first interview after leaving prison to CNN host Larry King. It has been reported that security is going to be extremely tight in the CNN headquarters, not so much for Paris, but rather because they fear Lou Dobbs might attempt to kill her Chihuahua.

During her time in Jail, Paris Hilton read the bible and said that her favorite part was the "parable of the talents," where Jesus teaches you to exploit your talent wisely. That is why as soon she leaves jail she is going to shoot another porn movie.

Bush
During a meeting with reporters President Bush said that when it comes to the new immigration reform bill some Republican senators don’t want to discuss it because “they have a chip on the shoulder.” The president added that those senators don’t know how good those chips taste with salsa.

President Bush was the main guest of a Christmas Special ABC taped Sunday. According to ABC executives the event was recorded so early because they fear that if things continue going like this for the Bush administration, it is going to be hard to find people that want to attend the event in December.

Elizabeth Edwards
Elizabeth Edwards, wife of Democratic presidential hopeful John Edwards, said she supports gay marriage. Apparently she is afraid that if she doesn’t say so, hairdressers are going to sabotage her husband’s hair.

News
It has been reported that NBC Brian Williams’ viewership has declined in almost 533,000 viewers in the last year. Unfortunately for Brian, it’ll be hard to get them back because they all probably passed away.

War
The number of blacks joining the military has plunged by more than one-third since the Afghanistan and Iraq wars began. The pentagon has come up with a new plan, a series of ads that they are sure are going to help motivate black people to join the army. In the ads they promise an exclusive record deal if they get shot in Iraq.