April 23rd 2008

Hospital
A jury found Monday that a hospital did nothing wrong when it tried to examine the rectum of a construction worker who had been hit on the head by a falling wooden beam. Apparently, the hospital knew the bill was going to be a pain in the ass and that’s why they requested the rectum examination.

Stephen Hawking
Stephen Hawking said Monday there may be primitive life in our region of the galaxy; there don't seem to be any advanced intelligent beings. Apparently, Mr. Hawking was referring to Congress.

Candidates
Presidential candidates appeared this week in several TV shows: Obama was a guest with John Stewart, Hillary with Colbert and McCain played a corpse in CSI Miami.

CNN
CNN reporter Richard Quest was arrested in Central Park for possession of drugs and loitering after he was found walking early Monday with a rope around his neck that was tied to his genitals. The CNN reporter didn’t understand the big deal and said he was just wearing suspenders like Larry King.

CNN and Larry King have agreed to a contract extension which will keep the anchor with the network until 2010 or after three more divorces, whichever comes first.

CNN and Larry King have agreed to a contract extension until 2010 which already beats the contract Larry has with the devil to live forever.

McCain
McCain's staff justified McCain’s benefit as a "disability pension" and said that he "was retired as disabled because of his limited body movements due to injuries as a POW” -nothing a little bit of Metamucil couldn’t fix.

Army
The armed forces are recruiting more and more convicted felons. Now members of congress won’t have any excuse to not enlist anymore.

DNA
DNA testing has begun on all 437 children of a West Texas polygamist cult. Apparently most of the fathers are Houston Rocket’s NBA players.

Miley Cyrus
Miley Cyrus plans to write her memoir. She’ll need lots of pages just to write the zeros of how much money she’s made so far.