April 7th 2008

Economy
The U.S. economy lost 80,000 jobs in March. The government expects to get all those jobs back as soon as Oprah gets a new dog.

A new study suggests that men are more likely to make a risky financial gamble when sex is on their minds… Bernanky, you dirty bastard!

Hillary
Sen. Hillary Clinton will stop telling an emotional story about an uninsured pregnant woman who was denied medical care after the hospital proved the story was false. First it was the sniper story, now this new one… and we all thought the one most likely to have Alzheimer was going to be McCain.

Hillary Clinton told reporters she had been under sniper fire when she visited Bosnia in 1996. Reporters knew immediately that she was lying because what kind of sniper would miss those ankles?

According to the Clintons’s tax returns, they have donated $10 million to charity.... Charity, Crystal, Sheila, Cyndi...

Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton and former President Clinton made nearly $109 million since they left the White House. No wonder they are so desperate to go back there!

Fossilized Findings
DNA from fossilized human feces found in an Oregon cave is 14,300 years old. Apparently, researchers also found fossilized human tears and scratched rocks around it, which they suspect came from the same guy that defecated such a hard log.

DNA from fossilized human feces found in an Oregon cave is 14,300 years old. Researchers also found foot prints around it, and they believe they came from someone with a wide stance.

Archaeologists found 14,000 year old human feces. That proves the existence of lawyers even back then.

Larry King
Larry king, who coaches his son's Little League baseball team, got into a confrontation with one of the umpires. Larry won’t be able to attend future games because he got suspender-ed.

A story that circulated last week said that talk show host Larry King coaches his son's Little League baseball team. It is hard to believe he knows a lot about baseball, because we have only seen him throw softballs in TV.

McCain
During a speech on Martin Luther King Day, Senator McCain apologized to black people for opposing to creating a federal holiday in honor of the slain civil rights leader. He told black people not to worry, because when he becomes president they'll have tons of days off due to unemployment.

Smoking
Researchers from the University of Wisconsin-Milwaukee discovered in a study that cities that ban smoking in bars have more drunk drivers on the road. How lazy are we getting that we need to get in our cars to go 25 ft away from the bar to be able to smoke.

Insomniacs
A study says insomniacs are at risk of developing major depression, especially when you spend all your night looking at the person they married.

Serb Farmer
A Serb farmer used a grinding machine to cut in half his farm tools and machines to comply with a court ruling that he must share all his property with his ex-wife. The farmer said that his wife can choose any part of the cow she wants, but when it comes to the sheep, she’ll get the head...

Mega Millions
A Detroit-area truck driver has won the $136 million Mega Millions lottery jackpot... In other news a Detroit resident just bought Detroit.