July 16th 2008

Bush
According to a study, many people are using the stimulus checks sent by the government on porn. Therefore, Bush was right when he said the checks were going to help with the foreclosure problem; they are giving everybody a tent.

GOP lobbyist Stephen Payne was taped offering to set up private meetings with Bush or Vice President Dick Cheney in return for donations of more than $500,000 to the George W. Bush Library. People would pay anything to meet with Bush and Cheney now, because after 2008, it will be impossible to find them.

During a press conference, President Bush said that if we continue in this direction we’re going to end in a country with a great economy. The economy is going to go down so much, it’ll go through the center of the earth and show up in China.

New Yorker
Do you know what the cover of the New Yorker will be next week? A white sheet!

Study
According to a recent study, American children become sluggish when they hit the teens. Just the apposite of adults that become really energetic when they hit on teens.

Larry King
Larry King is coming out with an autobiography. It is divided in two chapters: BC and AD.

Larry King is coming out with an autobiography. “It has everything,” say the critics… “Romance, violence, suspenders…”

Pope
Pope Benedict is the first Pope to ever use a cell phone. Can you imagine how hard it must be for the Pope to explain to the patrol officer that he was using the cell phone while driving the pope-mobile because God was calling him?

Tour of France
The Americans competing in the Tour of France are not having a good race. Things will change next year, because we have millions of Americans practicing on their bicycle skills due to the high price of gas.

Oral competition
Nine British women were facing prostitution charges after being arrested during the weekend for taking part in an oral sex competition in the Greek holiday island of Zakynthos. Apparently, the competition sucked.

Nine British women and some men were arrested at the weekend for taking part in an oral sex competition in the Greek holiday island of Zakynthos. Bill Clinton claims he was only there as a judge.

Old Stripper
A 75-year-old San Francisco woman has taken up stripping. Even though there are no restrictions in San Francisco’s strip joints, customers stay within three feet of her, just to avoid stepping on her boobs.

A 75-year-old San Francisco woman has taken up stripping. The only problem is that every time you put a dollar bill in her thong her hip breaks.