July 2nd 2008

Happy
The United States ranks 16th in a poll on the happiest countries in the world. Experts believe the U.S should have done much worse due to the price of gas, the mortgage crisis and the inflation, but the fact that Bush is almost gone made lots of people happy.

Baldwin
Stephen Baldwin said he would leave the country if Barack Obama becomes president. This just in: Obama went up in the polls, now the rest of the Badlwin family is voting for him.

McCain
Senator John McCain is visiting Colombia and Mexico this week. He’ll discuss NAFTA in Colombia and pass by Mexico to pump some cheap gas.

John McCain said Tuesday he was a contestant on Jeopardy forty-three years ago when it aired daily on NBC. Ironically, in these presidential elections, he’s a contestant in jeopardy too... in jeopardy of dropping dead at any time.

John McCain said Tuesday he was a contestant on Jeopardy forty-three years ago when it aired daily on NBC. He lost right away because instead of answering in the form of a question, he would answer the questions with his name, rank and serial number.

Iran
On Monday, officials in the Iranian government announced that during president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's trip to Rome, a security screening device found three times the normal amount of radiation in his temporary residence. Or, as people in the Bush administration call it: planting evidence.

Youtube
The latest craze in Youtube is boob-punching videos, and not, it is not punching congressmen, just punching breasts.

Bartenders
According to the National Bartenders Association, bartenders across the U.S. are reporting a 30% drop in income, mostly in the DC area now that Ted Kennedy stopped drinking.

TV
According to a recent survey, 17% of women between the ages of 16 and 24 say they speed through sex just so they won't miss their favorite TV shows. The other 83% doesn’t worry because their male partners speed up for them.

According to a study by Mindset Media, people who go to three or more movies a month are 76% more creative that those who don’t. Apparently, the writers of "Get Smart," and "The Guru" never went to the movies.

Deal
According to internet rumors, Rush Limbaugh signed to continue his syndicated radio show through 2016 for $400 million. This just in: Pfizer stocks just went to the roof.