July 14th 2008

Obama
At a town hall meeting in Georgia, presumptive Democratic Presidential nominee Barack Obama told an audience that they needed to make sure that their children could speak Spanish. So in the future, when Chinese people come to collect the money we owe them, our kids can say "No hablo Ingles."

During a fundraising for Obama, comedian Bernie Mac drew criticism from Obama’s campaign when he delivered some off-color jokes. Are off-color jokes jokes against white people?

Sports Illustrated reported that Sen. Barack Obama is considering sponsoring a car in a NASCAR race next month. The only problem is that Obama is used to turning left all the time, but sometimes he might turn to the right and crash against the wall of the track.

Sports Illustrated reported that Sen. Barack Obama is considering sponsoring a car in a NASCAR race next month. It won’t work; you know how difficult is it going to be driving with flip flops?

According to Newsweek, Obama’s lead against McCain went from 15 points to only three. Apparently, pollsters, like so many in the media, mistook Obama for Osama during the survey and still McCain ended up loosing.

Road Signs
Atlanta is replacing all its "Men at Work" signs with gender-neutral ones after a women's magazine editor complained of bias. Apparently, the new signs read "Men at work and women too but for 40% percent less money."

Meet Dave
The movie "Meet Dave" tanked at the box office. Producers of the movie are considering changing the name to "Meet Jay" to see if it does better.

Airlines
Ticks were found in a United Airlines flight from Denver to Des Moines. The crew didn’t use any pesticide to kill them; they just let them die of starvation.

United Airlines said a flight from Denver to Des Moines, Iowa, was delayed for six hours after passengers found three blood-feeding parasites in the cabin of the plane. The plane was given the go ahead to leave as soon as the three oil business men were kicked out.

Economy
According to a recent study, a great number of Mexicans are returning to their country because of the economic recession in the U.S. Maybe this was Bush’s plan all along against illegal immigration, just ruining the economy down and waiting for them to leave.

According to a recent study, a great number of Mexicans are returning to their country because of the economic recession in the U.S. Things are so bad, Americans are not driving by Home Depot to pick up cheap labor anymore; THEY are at Home Depot waiting to be picked up.

Prime Minister Nourti al-Maliki and a handful of other Iraqi politicians handed out cold hard cash to people on the street of Iraq… Like our stimulus package, only more immediate.

Christie Brinkley
Christie Brinkley got full custody of her 2 kids plus all 18 properties she was fighting over with her husband in their divorce battle. It wasn’t all bad for Peter Cook; he got all the tissue paper that was around the 18 houses.

Media
The media had serious problems reporting what Jesse Jackson said about Obama. None of the reporters dared repeat the word "Nuts." Apparently, that’s exactly what reporters lacked.

Miss Universe
During the Miss Universe 2008 competition, Miss USA, Crystle Stewart, became the second Miss USA in a row to fall down during the evening gown competition of the Miss Universe pageant. Apparently, starting next year, Miss US beauty pageants will include a Bikini, an Evening Gown, and a Fall competition.

Iran
Iran’s government condemned John McCain for joking about killing Iranians with cigarettes and said, “It was poorly done by a presidential candidate.” Because the good jokes in Iran start with: Two Jews walk in a bar...”

Cheney
The doctors that conducted Dick Cheney's annual checkup say that his heart is beating normally. Apparently, it does one beat per gallon of gas.

Comedians
"Variety" has released its list of "10 Comics to Watch." Or you can just watch Carlos Mencia and you’ll hear all the same jokes those 10 comics use.