July 10th 2008

Hey everybody I'm in Newsday this week! Thanks to the people at Newsday and Mr. Rasak for choosing one of my jokes it is an honor to see my name next to real comedy writers...This is the link.

http://www.newsday.com/news/opinion/ny-oppun105758186jul10,0,2522524.story
Jesse Jackson
In a vulgar tirade caught on tape by Fox News, the Rev. Jesse Jackson said he wanted to "cut Barack Obama's nuts off.” Jackson later said he meant it as a compliment, because Obama has such a big pair of testicles that he was afraid somebody will step on them.

In a vulgar tirade caught on tape by Fox News, the Rev. Jesse Jackson said he wanted to "cut Barack Obama's nuts off.” “Don’t worry, I already took care of that,” said Michelle.

Jesse Jackson said that Obama is talking down to black people, but can you imagine the scandal if it was found out he was talking HIGH to black people?

Bull
Americans weren’t happy to find out we export bull semen among other things to Iran. The only ones pleased, the bulls.

It was known this Tuesday that the US exports massive amounts of bull semen to Iran. No wonder cows are mad!

It was known this Tuesday that the US exports bull semen to Iran. Why don’t we export bull crap? Because we have a lot of that here…

Studies
A new study from Gothenburg University in Sweden has found that 62% of women 70 years old and older say they're sexually satisfied. Come on A- Rod, there’s still a 48 % to take care of.

A new study has found keeping a food diary is the best way to lose weight. I don’t want to say Michael Moore is fat, but his food diary was longer than the book War and Peace, and that was only for Tuesday.

Ringo
Ringo Starr said Tuesday that he writes songs while on the treadmill. No wonder his solo career is going nowhere since he left the Beatles.

Ringo Starr said Tuesday that he writes songs while on the treadmill. He has to be careful, knowing Ringo Starr, he probably has an arrhythmic heart.

Tanker
The pentagon announced Wednesday that Boeing Co. and Northrop Grumman Corp., a French company, would have to submit new offers for an Air Force tanker contract. The French company claims they will make the best tanker for the pentagon because it is for their own interest. After all, the French need America to protect their asses.

Bat
A British woman found a baby bat in the padding pocket of her 34FF bra. Actually, with such a big pair of knockers she probably found a baby bat, Superman and the Fantastic 4 living in that bra.

Employee
A Japanese labor bureau has ruled that one of Toyota's top car engineers died from working too many hours. Employees at General Motors couldn’t be reach for comments because it was 2:20 when the media called and they had already clocked out.

McCain
John McCain’s campaign is worried because the presidential candidate has had problems using the teleprompter. They don’t care so much about McCain’s chances to win the elections, but rather his chances to have his drivers license suspended.

Babies
OK magazine paid Jamie Lynn Spears $1 million and Mathew McConaughey $3 million for the picture of their recently born babies. When Hillary heard about that, she called Bill to get home immediately and waited for him in Victoria’s Secret pants.