July 17th 2008

Hey everybody I'm featured in Newsday! Thanks to the people at Newsday and to Mr. Rasak, it certainly makes me proud to be sandwiched by Leno and Conan and to be called a comedy writer. I truly appreciate it. Check it here:

http://www.newsday.com/news/opinion/ny-oppun175765983jul17,0,2845620.story

Democrats
Officials in Denver will give homeless people passes to the Denver zoo while the Democratic National Convention is in town next month. That way, they won’t miss much of what’s going on inside the convention.

Officials in Denver will give homeless people free movie tickets and zoo passes during the Democratic National convention. Apparently, Democrats don’t want anybody but Hillary begging for money.

Officials in Denver will give homeless people free movie tickets and zoo passes during the Democratic National convention. Democrats were afraid there were going to be many beggars around. After all, Obama has been offering change since he started the campaign.

World
A growing number of people say that the world will end in 2012. And those are the optimistic ones.

Firefighter
British firefighters have threatened to go on strike after bosses fired a veteran Scottish colleague for being overweight. Officials explained the overweight firefighter was fired not because he was bad at his job, but rather because it’s very difficult to sell calendars when Mr. December is a fatzo!

Kiss
A recent poll from online dating website Match.com found that Americans think that Barack Obama is a better kisser than John McCain. Unless you are a hardcore conservative, because nobody is kissing their asses better than John McCain.

Movie
According to some internet rumors, Wachowski Siblings is planning to make a Plastic Man movie. So far, the candidates for the leading role are Keanu Reeves, Crhistian Bale and Kenny Rogers.

Bush
According to a study, many people are using the stimulus checks sent by the government on porn. Therefore, Bush was right when he said the checks were going to help with the foreclosure problem; they are giving everybody a tent.

President Bush says that the U.S economy is sound. Unfortunately, it sounds like Paris Hilton’s music and Bush is deaf.

Jesse
Fox News revealed the rest of the comments that Jesse Jackson made about Obama, which included something the media cannot say on the air: “The N-word." I thought we knew already that he had used the word Nuts!

Subway
A New York man claimed in a lawsuit filed on Wednesday that he found a knife in a Subway sandwich. Police will clear Subway of all charges when they find out the sandwich was prepared to kill Jarred.