July 26th 2006

Middle East
Condoleezza Rice flew to the Middle East and met with Lebanese, Israeli and Syrian diplomats all week to try to stop the war and bring peace to the region. It seems her visit was highly respected because everywhere she went she was welcomed with the twenty-one-rockets- salute.

Former Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon was rushed today to the intensive care unit. Apparently he got out of the coma but when he saw the mess the Middle East is in, he decided to go back to sleep again.

Some Hezbollah leaders claim that if Ariel Sharon was still the Israeli Prime Minister, they would have already reached a cease-fire. That is why they are gonna continue bombing the heck out of Israel hoping the noise would wake Sharon up.

Midterm Elections
Many Republican candidates for the upcoming mid-term elections are sending signs to the White house that they don’t want President Bush to campaign for them. This time the message seems to be serious because they even rejected the Bush impersonator.

President Bush is planning to help some Republican candidates raise money in the upcoming elections. Bush charges $10,000 dollars to take a picture with him, but you have to double that if you don’t want to be in the picture.

President Bush admitted that this past week was really tough, that he made an incredible amount of errors and that he understands and supports the boos of the people. Unfortunately he was talking about Alex Rodriguez.

Fruit Pickers
Congressmen that demanded tough immigration laws seem to be changing their rhetoric after they were informed that millions of Florida oranges could waste away due to a shortage of fruit pickers. Apparently they became really concerned about this issue when they realized they were not going to be able to drink screwdrivers.

Peter Cook
Peter Cook, Christy Brinkley’s husband, gave a press conference to apologize for his infidelity. Lots of magazines attended the press conference, even "National Science Magazine” was there, especially when they found out Cook cheated on his wife 2 dozen times and they thought they were in the presence of the next Albert Einstein.

Hidden Camera
A man is suing a company claiming that he found a video camera hidden in the ceiling of a sperm bank's donation room while he was making a donation. Unfortunately the guy that was donating in the other room had to stop too because the video he was watching went black all of a sudden.

Bob Dole
During a ceremony in Capitol Hill in which Bob Dole’s official portrait was unveiled, the former senator commented that some of his colleagues have been waiting for years to nail him to the wall. Actually after Dole’s Viagra endorsement they were afraid Dole was going to do all the nailing.....

Cow Disease
Experts say that sleeping in close quarters with cows and other livestock may reduce your risk of getting Mad Cow disease because the insects will bite the cows instead of you. Scientists now understand why anyone would marry Star Jones.