March 1st 2007

Giuliani
A video of presidential candidate Rudy Giuliani is circulating on the web promoting an upcoming documentary about his life. The video shows the former mayor of New York wearing female clothes. Democrats said the video instead of helping them might hurt their chances in the elections, especially because Giuliani in female clothes looks hotter than Hilary.

Osama
A senior Taliban commander says Osama bin Laden is alive and in contact with leaders of Afghanistan’s Taliban insurgents. Apparently Osama has been complaining that nobody sends him cigarettes anymore because everybody believes he quit smoking.

Health Inspector
The health inspector who gave a passing grade to the rat-infested KFC-Taco Bell in Manhattan was let go. He received 2 job offers immediately to work as inspector for spinach farm growers and several peanut butter makers plants.

Stock Market
Last Tuesday the Dow Jones was down 500 points. Actually 400 points, the one that was down 500 points was Dennis Kucinich in the latest Democratic polls.

After the almost 500-point sell off on the Dow, few companies experienced a rebound in their stocks on Wednesday, mostly funeral homes and coffin manufacturers.

Bush
North Korea’s No. 2 leader pledged his country's commitment to denuclearize. President Bush said he is willing to sit down and talk but first he needs some time to practice the word denuclearize.

Last Tuesday, Bush honored the latest NBA champions in Washington. During the meeting the president said he was impressed with the Heat’s Work in Miami, making that statement the closest reference to Global Warming the president has ever made.

While honoring the Miami Heat championship basketball team on Tuesday, President Bush tried to bounce a basketball, but the ball thudded flat on the stage. It was a reality check for the president who saw in the ball a comparison with his approval ratings… they will never bounce back.

Britney
Britney Spears has been in rehab for more than a week now. The only possible explanation for her not escaping earlier is that she is probably doing rehab in a Jetblue plane.

Sports Illustrated
Los Angeles County health officials said that anyone who may have eaten uncooked food at a Sports Illustrated party should check themselves for hepatitis A. Health officials added that the only ones safe are the swimsuit models who probably puked immediately after the party.

Anna Nicole
A Florida appeals court cleared the way Wednesday for Anna Nicole Smith to be buried next to her son in the Bahamas. The Bahamas is a common place for dead people, especially former Enron CEO’s.