June 5th 2007

Paul McCartney
Today Starbucks' Hear Music label is releasing Paul McCartney’s new album and all the Starbucks stores will be playing Paul’s album on a loop. It seems Heather Mills will be having breakfast at I-Hop.

Bush in Europe
President Bush began an eight-day trip to Europe on Monday. Global warming will be among several topics in the agenda. Apparently Bush’s new strategy for global warming is to start another Cold War with Russia.

German Chancellor Angela Merkel said that the situation in Germany is quite tense due to the violent protests for the G-8 meeting. President Bush was quoted saying "I think somebody needs a backrub..."

J. F. K. plot
A great number of liberals believe that the latest unfolded plot to blow up J. F. Kennedy airport is another false scare orchestrated by the Bush administration to distract people from the real news... like Paris going to jail.

TB scare
President Bush said that the case of the Atlanta lawyer with a dangerous strain of tuberculosis who was allowed back into the US has forced his administration to tighten security at the airport. Suspiciously enough Halliburton will start a mass production of Airborne.

Knocked Up
The new comedy Knocked up has received ambivalent reviews. Some critics say the movie is warm and funny, whereas other critics say Knocked Up is an abortion.

Paris Hilton
Paris Hilton checked herself in jail one day before her sentence demanded it. Apparently Paris was aware of how long it could take to do a thorough cavity search on her.

According to media reports, Paris Hilton will be allowed only 1 hour of TV a day while she is doing her jail time. This will be more than enough, because with her being in jail and Lindsay Lohan in rehab, most of the networks are just going to run Golden Girls reruns.

Michael Moore
Filmmaker Michael Moore has lost 30 lbs. in 3 months and claims his secret is getting plenty of sleep. Apparently, every time he is about to wolf down a double cheeseburger he gets shot with a tranquilizer.

Filmmaker Michael Moore has lost 30 lbs. in 3 months and claims his secret is getting plenty of sleep. Most conservatives agree and say they stopped eating popcorn when they fell asleep while watching one of Moore’s movies.

Criss Angel
U.S. illusionist Criss Angel began a 24-hour stunt on Monday that will end with him trying to escape from a small cement box strung up above New York's Times Square before it crashes to the ground. Somebody else has tried the same act before; he’s failed to escape and seems to have living inside a box for a long time: President Bush.

U.S. illusionist Criss Angel began a 24-hour stunt on Monday that will end with him trying to escape from a four-foot square cement box. It is an incredible attempt that most people in New York have failed because they can’t afford to get a bigger apartment.