January 31st 2008

McCain
Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger is endorsing John McCain today; just weeks after Sylvester Stallone made the same announcement. McCain is said to be very excited, because he finally has something in common with the Reagan era: The horrible action movies.

Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick
Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick pleaded for forgiveness from his family and his constituents Wednesday after several racy text messages contradicted his sworn testimony that he did not have a physical relationship with a key aide. In a written statement, the mayor said: “I ddnt av 6ual relationships W dat wmn”

Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick pleaded for forgiveness from his family and his constituents Wednesday in an emotional televised speech after several racy text messages contradicted his sworn testimony that he did not have a physical relationship with a key aide. The TV channel went too far when they asked their audience to text message their opinions.

Oscars
Oscars’ organizers said they are preparing two ceremonies in case writers end their strike: A boring ceremony and a really boring one.

Flight
An Air Canada flight had to make an emergency landing after the co-pilot went crazy on the air. In a written statement, Air Canada said they are investigating this case to find who hid the co-pilot’s bottle of vodka.

Britney
Britney Spears’ headlines continue to dominate the front pages of tabloids, newspapers and internet websites. This has prompted most Americans to go to youtube and record a new crying video: “Please, Britney, leave us all alone!”

Giuliani
Former New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani formally ended his presidential candidacy and threw his endorsement to John McCain. You can already see Giuliani’s influence in the McCain campaign. In a new TV ad McCain is blaming 9/11 on the Mormons.

Hulk Hogan
Wrestler Hulk Hogan has announced he's endorsing Barack Obama. Barack needs Hogan to beat Hillary; Bill has been trying for years to put Hillary on her back, but has never been successful.