February 14th 2008

Hi everybody, I wanna take a moment to thank Newsday and Mr. Rasak for choosing one of my jokes in today's edition of Newsday. Man, it meakes me really happy and proud to see my name next to other outstanding comedy writers. Thanks! Check the link:
http://www.newsday.com/news/opinion/ny-oppun145575286feb14,0,5345149.story

Chris Mathews
During MSNBC's live coverage of Tuesday's presidential primary elections, Chris Matthews expressed his latest admiration for Obama's speaking skills and said that everytime Obama speaks he feels this “thrill going up his leg.” Now I finally understand the name of Chris Matthews’ show.

Clemens
Roger Clemens spent several hours in Capitol Hill Wednesday testifying in front of Congress about the use of steroids. Clemens passionately denied the use of HGH and remained standing up during the entire testimony. Apparently, his butt was too sore to take a seat.

Sales
The Commerce Department reported Wednesday that retail sales rose by 0.3 percent last month, but the furniture industry sales took a huge tumble this quarter. Apparently, the impact came when Romney and Hillary stopped buying furniture to decorate the White House.

Naked Cowboy
The Naked Cowboy, who plays guitar in his underwear at New York's Times Square, has filed a lawsuit claiming an M&M's advertisement infringes on his trademark. Mars unveiled a video billboard that features a blue M&M wearing a similar outfit. Apparently, the Naked Cowboy realized the M&M character was copying him for two reasons: the outfit and the big nuts.

Obama
After the latest victories, Obama told his followers at a rally that Hillary can’t catch him, quoting the famous words of a former president: Bill Clinton…

Valentine
A radio station in West Virginia is observing Valentine’s Day by giving away a free divorce. Unfortunately for Paul McCartney, he was the number 9 caller.

Hillary Clinton got emotional Thursday when her husband gave her a Valentine present: A beautiful heart-shaped box full of superdelegates!

Fat
Manuel Uribe of Monterrey, Mexico, the man considered the fattest man in the world, has lost over 500 lbs and now weighs 1257 lbs. Manuel said his ultimate goal is to slim down to 265 pounds by 2012 so he can finally fit in the trunk of car and cross the border.

Matches
A man in Germany built a race car out of nearly a million matchsticks. Unfortunately, he later gave the car to a little kid in California to play with.

Robert Gates
Defense Secretary Robert Gates fractured his right arm when he fell at the doorsteps of his home in Washington, D.C. Apparently, his shoes were all wet after a waterboarding session.