February 26th 2008

Obama
Barack Obama has accused Hillary Clinton of using "shameful" smear tactics after a picture of him wearing tribal robes and headgear in Somalia was circulated on the internet. Obama’s campaign is expected to retaliate by circulating pictures of Hillary wearing a skirt.

Conservatives on the Internet and in the media are questioning Barack Obama’s patriotism for not putting his hand over his heart during the National Anthem like other candidates do. Truth is, McCain is forced to put his hand over his heart all the time to check if it is still beating.

President’s hair
Four strands reportedly clipped from George Washington’s hair were sold at auction Friday night for $17,000 dollars. Other presidents have donated their hair, except for former president Bill Clinton, who is afraid they are going to use his hair to collect DNA samples.

Oscars
Oscar winner Tilda Swinton chose to attend the Oscar ceremony with her younger lover, while her husband, 68-year-old John Byrne, stayed at home in Scotland. People in Hollywood were outraged, because it is so inconsiderate to leave your husband alone, you should bring your lover, your husband, and his mistress as well.

This year's Oscars were the least-watched in its 80-year history. Apparently, it was not a novelty to see all the Hollywood celebrities together anymore, especially when they have shown up at every Democratic debate lately.

Memory
Brad Williams, a radio anchor in La Crosse, is being studied by doctors because of his amazing memory that lets him recall the most trifling dates and details about his life. Unfortunately, that incredible talent will prevent him from ever getting a job in public office.

Environment
The League of Conservation Voters gave Hillary Clinton a slight edge over Barack Obama in their environmental ratings. Apparently, Obama blew it because he spends tons of paper in the Xerox machine.

Young mother
A 17-year-old girl in Argentina already has seven kids. Apparently, she started working in Zoey 101 at the age of five.

Electron
Scientists had to rely on more indirect methods to photograph an electron in motion for the first time because of their extreme speediness. Apparently, they had to get the photographers on crack.

Parrots
Veterinarians in England have taken the animal pharmaceutical market to a whole new level by prescribing Prozac for parrots. The suggestion came from owners who were tired of the parrots ratting on them.

Veterinarians in England have taken the animal pharmaceutical market to a whole new level by prescribing Prozac for parrots. Wouldn’t you be depressed if you had to repeat the same words over and over again?