May 19th 2008

Gay Marriage
Ellen DeGeneres announced during the taping of her talk show Friday that she’s marrying her girlfriend Portia de Rossi. We can definitely rule out a shotgun wedding.

The California Supreme Court has ruled that gay marriage is legal. If you thought that the fight for the bouquet caused accidents in a heterosexual wedding, can you imagine in a gay wedding where all the guests will be fighting for it?

Hillary
The Clinton campaign has been complaining lately that after the West Virginia victory the media has decided to ignore Hillary and is not covering her anymore. In fact the only flashes Hillary sees around now are the hot flashes.

Political experts believe the only way Hillary can get the Democratic nomination is with a miracle. “And if there’s someone that can make miracles, is a pastor,” said Rev Jeremiah Wright.

Bush
President Bush was harshly criticized when he said he gave up golf as a personal sacrifice for the troops in Iraq. Bush apologized and said “OK, I will give up reading instead.”

During an online interview, President Bush said he'd made a personal sacrifice in honor of the troops in Iraq by giving up golf. Fortunately, that means we won’t get in a war with Iran, because I don’t think Bush will give up another hobby like biking.

Huckabee
Republican Mike Huckabee responded to an offstage noise during his speech to the National Rifle Association by suggesting it was Barack Obama diving to the floor because someone had aimed a gun at him. Actually, people thought the noise came from Huckabee falling to the floor after shooting himself in the foot.

Republican Mike Huckabee made a tasteless remark during a speech for the National Rifle Association when he suggested that some noise was Obama diving to the floor because someone had aimed a gun at him. NRA people were so shocked that even Charlton Heston dropped his gun in the coffin.

Republican Mike Huckabee apologized for a remark he made at a NRA meeting when he suggested that some noise was Obama diving to the floor because someone had aimed a gun at him. The correction was not much better; he is now saying it was Hillary diving to the floor to avoid sniper fire.

John McCain
Republican presidential candidate John McCain rejected the idea of the SNL writers to wear a dress during an SNL sketch. He immediately got phone calls from Giuliani and Larry Craig who offered themselves as his body-doubles.

Republican presidential candidate John McCain rejected the idea of the SNL writers to wear a dress during an SNL sketch. He was right; it might have been weird to see him in a dress boarding the straight talk bus.

Smile
A German scientist claims that smiling can be bad for your health, especially if you laugh at fat jokes in front of your wife.

Shia LaBeouf
Shia LaBeouf says he soiled his pants until he was 12. That’s why he bonded so well with Harrison Ford, who started soiling his pants a couple of years ago.

Osama bin Laden
Osama bin Laden released a new message on Sunday. Apparently, he complained to the US media and asked them to stop mistaking his name with Obama’s.

Jason Giambi
The Daily News reported the Jason Giambi wears a gold thong under his uniform pants to snap out of a slump. His only problem is to control Roger Clemens and Alex Rodruiguez at a piled up celebration.

The Daily News reported the Jason Giambi wears a gold thong under his uniform pants to snap out of a slump. Apparently, since he’s started wearing the thong, it has made it easier for him to get at least third base.

Cindy McCain
Cindy McCain rated last on a poll about mothers with a positive influence in the U.S. Fortunately, not everything went bad for Cindy as she was voted the number one MILF.

Kennedy
Senator Ted Kennedy was hospitalized Saturday after having some kind of seizure. Apparently, he suffered the attack when he found out he’d run out whiskey.

Botox
Some doctors in Hollywood started using botox injections in breasts instead of the regular plastic surgery. The only problem with botox in your breasts is that you end up with your nipples in your forehead.

Celebrities
Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz got married Saturday. Guests and friend were extremely happy, especially when they found out neither the groom nor the bride were going to be performing at the wedding.

Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz got married Saturday. Apparently they were waiting until gay marriage was allowed in California.