May 1st 2008

Banner
This week is the fifth year anniversary of the infamous "Mission Accomplished" banner. Oil companies are planning to celebrate with a huge party and have asked Bush to lend them the banner for the night.

The White House said Wednesday that President Bush has paid a big price for the "Mission Accomplished" banner that was flown in triumph five years ago. Apparently Bush is convinced they could have gotten a better deal on craigslist.

Fertilizer
Due to a worldwide fertilizer shortage, a utility company in Southwest Florida is on the forefront of developing a new environmentally friendly fertilizer: human waste. Apparently they are thinking of using all the members of Congress.

Obama
Barack Obama said Wednesday that Reverend Jeremiah Wright’s comment were divisive. “I happen to disagree,” said McCain while toasting with Hillary.

Democrat Barack Obama and his wife said Thursday that the public grew tired of hearing about incendiary remarks by their former pastor Wright played in the last couple of days. Apparently, people, unlike Obama, needed less than 20 years to get tired of Wright.

David Blaine
David Blaine broke the world breath-holding record yesterday, during a live broadcast of "The Oprah Winfrey Show" after submerging in a water-filled sphere for 17 minutes and four seconds. He eclipsed the previous record held by every inmate at Gitmo.

Economy
According to economists we are not in a recession because the economy grew 0.6% in the first quarter of this year. Time to throw a party with my neighbors and share the only tuna can we all have left!

Volvo is trying to invent a death-proof vehicle by the year 2020. Apparently, it is an oil-free car so you don’t die from a heart attack when you fill the tank.

An American surfer has died after being attacked by a shark on the Pacific coast of Mexico only four days after another man was killed by a great white shark off California. Apparently, the recession is not only starving humans.

Immigrants
A survey by the Inter-American Development Bank shows the percentage of Hispanic immigrants sending money to their home countries in Latin America is down dramatically in just two years. Apparently, all the family members are already here.

McCain
The Senate unanimously resolved Wednesday that Republican presumptive candidate John McCain is eligible to be US president even though he was born abroad, in the Panama Canal Zone. They took the decision considering the fact that today's economy makes America look like a Banana Republic anyway.

VH1
A "source" tells "OK!" magazine that Bon Jovi guitarist Richie Sambora will take over for Poison’s Bret Michaels on the third season of "Rock of Love." The Magazine later published a retraction saying it is not the show “Rock of Love” but rather “Celebrity Rehab.”