May 20th 2008

Obama
Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama spoke Sunday to 75,000 people, the biggest crowd of his campaign, during a rally in Oregon. Apparently, the secret was that they were offering gas for 99 cents a gallon.

Accident
An overturned tractor-trailer spilled 14 tons of Oreos all over a road outside of Chicago. Unfortunately, the next day, only the creamy part had been cleaned off the road.

Video Game
Two guys in Belgium invented a urinal video game that you play by controlling the direction of your pee. So far, the record holder is R Kelly.

Bush
The White House on Monday called on NBC News to set the record straight on "deceitful" editing of an interview with President Bush. They suspected there was something wrong because the president sounded intelligible.

President Bush is said to be worried about the latest Pentagon’s announcement of the deployment of 42,000 troops to Iraq. Apparently, the President is concerned he might have to give up tennis now.

ER
A survey has revealed that in the last year, 69% of emergency room doctors in New York City saw a patient suffering because there weren't enough beds to admit them into the hospital. Well of course, if it is like in Grey’s Anatomy, most of the beds are taken by doctors screwing each other.

Technology
Scientists say modern technology is ruining our ability to think for ourselves. Let me Google the report and I can tell you more about it.

Speech
Montana's governor Brian Schweitzer gave a commencement speech at Opheim High School in Opheim, where only one kid graduated. It was easy to spot the kid; he was the only one laughing his ass off at how lame the speech was.

Divorce
A Saudi woman wants to divorce her husband because he tried to sneak a look at her face, which had been veiled at all times during their 30 years of marriage. Apparently, that was the day she didn’t trim her moustache.

Kennedy
Ted Kennedy’s doctor said that the senator was doing better and that the Red Sox victory over Kansas with a no-hitter will help him recover fast. Apparently, the doctors forgot how Kennedy celebrates victories.

Stats
A new poll from "New York" magazine found that 12% of New York women have cheated on their significant others and most of them with a governor of New York.

President Bush said that it is appalling that 42% of kids born into poor families remain poor as adults. He will strive to make it a 100%.

According to a new study by ABC News, 47% of pet owners believe their animals go to heaven when they die. But 100% of people who step on dogs’ poop believe dogs go to hell.

According to a new survey by Group Health, 29% of men admit that they have been victims of domestic violence. The other 71% nervously said no while their wives were standing behind them.