July 30th 2008

Budget
The next elected president will start his administration with a $482 billion budget deficit. I don’t want to say we owe a lot of money, but the other day I saw a Chinese guy measuring the drapes at the White House.

While talking about lowering gas prices, President Bush repeated Wednesday that he doesn’t have a magic wand. Are you sure Mr. President? Because only a magician can turn a surplus into a $482 billion budget deficit.

Cigarettes
According to the American Cancer Society, the best way for women to quit smoking is to get pregnant. Unfortunately, that is best way for men to start smoking or to smoke more, when you find out your girlfriend is pregnant.

McCain
GOP presidential candidate John McCain talked about technology Wednesday and disputed criticism that he is "out of the loop." Apparently, he "got in the loop;" he just signed with Qwest.

John McCain had to have a small patch of skin removed from his face yesterday. This is not the first time he’s got skin removed. In fact, just yesterday, doctors removed more of McCain’s skin from his Facebook.

Hillary
Hillary Clinton is asking people to donate $5 to her campaign for the chance to win a summer dinner with her. It might not be that exciting; Bill can have that dinner for free and never wants to.

Corpse
A person in Ohio was arrested for having sex with a corpse. Apparently, he had a couple of beers and agreed to have sex with Joan Rivers.

A person in Ohio was arrested for having sex with a corpse. Apparently, he said he was looking for someone that reminded him of his current wife.

Earthquake
A 5.4-magnitute earthquake hit Los Angeles yesterday. It must have been felt in DC too; at least that is what Bill told Hillary when she caught him under the desk with his assistant.

A 5.4-magnitute earthquake that hit Los Angeles yesterday was felt in Vegas as well. People were running away of their homes, but just because of foreclosure

Apology
The House of Representatives has issued a formal apology for slavery. Gee! are they that afraid Obama can win the elections or what?

Jerry Lewis
Jerry Lewis was ticketed last Friday for having an unloaded weapon in his carry-on bag at Las Vegas International Airport. Apparently, he started carrying one since Ed McMahon started harassing him for money.