April 14th 2009

Legendary music producer Phil Spector was found guilty yesterday of second-degree murder. Reports say Spector was "unmoved" by the jury's verdict, but his hair went crazy!

Ringling Brothers and Barnum and Bailey Circus are holding auditions for clowns. Minorities are encouraged to apply, so it is not exclusively for Democratic congressmen; Republicans can apply as well.

Mel Gibson and his wife are getting divorced. Good luck with finding a good lawyer, Mel . . .

Pirates threatened America to retaliate after the rescue of the American captain. Don’t panic; Bill promised to look after every American booty out there.

The US is weighing on what to do with the Somali pirate we have in custody. Can somebody tell Cheney that waterboarding a pirate won’t work?

A man in Norway was busted going 80 miles an hour while having sex with his girlfriend. Cops let him go; every man is sympathetic with another man if the guy is doing it fast.

President Obama flies to Mexico next week for a presidential summit. Hillary already gave him certain tasks: discuss immigration, the drug war, and bring Bill back who is still there enjoying spring break.

A man in Michigan has 14 kids with 13 different women and owes more than $500,000 in child support. Today, the NBA made him an honorary member.

A man in Michigan has 14 kids with 13 different women and owes more than $500,000 in child support. When asked what advice he had for his kids, he said: "Use a condom.” Apparently, that was the problem. He used “a” condom . . . the same one with all the women he had sex with.

Researchers at the University of Warwick in the UK have found that getting promoted at work could be bad for your health. I knew sleeping in and arriving to work an hour late was going to be beneficial for my health.