July 8th 2009

Manny Ramirez got ejected after dropping his bat, tossing his helmet and flinging his protective gear. I don’t want to justify him, but it was probably that time of the month.

During his speech, Al Sharpton told Michael Jackson's children there was nothing "strange" about their father. The kids looked at Reverend Al, and said in unison… Come on, Al!

All three of Michael Jackson’s kids were at their father’s memorial. You could see they were overwhelmed and somehow scared.. they have never seen a black person before.

President George W. Bush celebrated his 63rd birthday on Monday. Things have changed for him now that he’s out of office, the only thing he can blow now are candles.

President George W. Bush celebrated his 63rd birthday on Monday. He wants to be like his dad and skydive one day, but he is taking baby steps, so he started jumping from his approval ratings.

President Bush gave a speech on 4th of July and repeated the story of how embarrassing it is for him now to have to pick his dog’s poop. He has it easy, what about poor Barney that has to walk with him.

Political analysts believe that Sarah Palin should wait until 2016 to run for president. Unfortunately they are forgetting she’ll face her biggest challenge in 2016: Gravity… because when her ass and boobs fall, she’ll lose all her appeal.

17,000 people attended Michael Jackson’s memorial at the Staples Center. And to honor Michael, most of them were brainless, like Jackson inside the casket.

According to a survey, 89% of women say that when a guy smells good it, quote, "seals the deal" for her. That’s why before I go out I usually rub myself with a $100 dollar bill.

Leaders of the South Carolina Republican Party voted to censure Gov. Mark Sanford, reprimanding him for secretly leaving the state to visit his lover in Argentina. Republicans get mad when a scandal breaks up because they are forced to behave and spend a couple of weekends with their wives.

An oak tree planted in Nazi-occupied Poland during World War Two to mark Adolf Hitler's birthday may soon face the axe if the local mayor has her way. Unfortunately they want to use the wood to burn books and to heat an oven.

A guy was arrested for pruning his tree with a shotgun. You can’t blame him, since he left the White House, Cheney is getting bored.

According to a survey most Americans think it's worse to gamble, wear a fur coat, or be gay than it is to execute a human being. That’s ridiculous, I feel like killing those people.

During his speech at the Jackson’s memorial, Al Sharpton pointed out that Michael brought all the races together. Then he ruined it by saying that Michael became a pedophile only when he started turning White.

Before his performance at the Jackson’s memorial, Stevie Wonder said that this was a moment he wished he had not see come. And his wished was granted.