September 14th 2009

Al Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden issued an apparently new audiotape on an Islamist website on Monday. He had some comments about the Obama administration but mostly he released the tape to say Kanye West is an ass.

Obama was on TV on Thursday, Sunday and today trying to sell his health care plan to America. I don’t know if he is going to accomplish anything, but at least he is making America forget Billy Mays.

President Obama appeared on "60 Minutes" last night. It got a little awkward when he had to reasure Andy Rooney that the death panels were not coming for him.

President Barack Obama has approved plans for the US to start direct talks with North Korea and Iran, the infamous Axis Of Evil. In fact Obama said that his administration has a new Axis of Evil: Glen Beck, Cheney and Joe Wilson.

A bartender at a bar in Chicago turned 97 last week. His signature drink is the prune juice martini or Metamucil mojito.

A bartender at a bar in Chicago turned 97 last week. All his martinis are shaken, but just because of the multiple sclerosis.

Tests determined that South African runner Caster Semenya is a hermaphrodite and her male organs are on the inside. So is Paris Hilton a hermaphrodite too, because she has male organs on the inside most of the time?

An Arkansas couple who gave birth to a baby on 9-9-09 had also given birth to another baby on 8-8-08. Unfortunately, the entire family is doomed in the hands of the baby they gave birth on 6-6-06.

Osama bin Laden issued new audio tape. It was immediately interrupted by Kanye claiming that Beyonce’s tape is way better.

The oldest person in the world, who lived on a steady diet of crispy bacon, fried chicken and ice cream, died Friday at the age of 115. You see, it is true, bacon and fried food ends up killing you.

The oldest person in the world, who lived on a steady diet of crispy bacon, fried chicken and ice cream, died Friday at the age of 115. Ironically, she choked on a carrot.

The oldest person in the world, who lived on a steady diet of crispy bacon, fried chicken and ice cream, died Friday at the age of 115. She was a couple of years short of being considered old enough to join 60 minutes.

The oldest person in the world died Friday at the age of 115. Another oldest person died? That title is cursed!

A Chinese woman paid almost $600,000 for what is considered now the most expensive dog in the world. Well that if you don’t consider the dogs they sell outside Yankee stadium.

A Chinese woman paid almost $600,000 for what is considered now the most expensive dog in the world. This dog is so spoiled it has other people wagging its tail for him when it is happy and attacking the postman.

A Chinese woman paid almost $600,000 for what is considered now the most expensive dog in the world… and the most expensive meal at the same time.

Rodney King beat an ex-cop at a celebrity match held at the Philadelphia Airport Ramada Inn. Phiiiuuuu… I’m happy Rodney won this time; LA is broke, and they can’t afford another riot.

Rodney King beat an ex-cop at a celebrity match held at the Philadelphia Airport Ramada Inn. Unfortunately, the cops won the tie breaker because when Rodney left the casino and made an illegal U-turn they beat him up.

A man was detained at a grocery store in Florida with three pounds of bacon in his pants. He is not that crazy, bacon always goes well with eggs.

A man was detained at a grocery store in Florida with three pounds of bacon in his pants. Amateur! If he wanted to hide the pork, he should have consulted a politician.

Michael Jackson left 20% of his estate to charity. To Tito, LaToya, Jermaine…

A Louisville sex offender was ordained as a minister on Sunday. He wanted to become a priest but he knew the competition would be too much there.

A couple is selling the house next door to the first family's home in Chicago. If you become Obama’s neighbor, don’t ever ask to borrow some tools, because he’ll lend you Biden and the rest of his cabinet.

Tens of thousands of conservative people protested outside U.S. Capitol on Saturday about the health care plan and taxes. Do they really think there’s going to be a congressman working on Saturday at the US capitol? If they really want congressmen to hear them, they should either go to the bars in the area, or maybe even some motels.