December 12th 2009

Norwegians are mad because president Obama turned down a lunch invitation from the King of Norway. Poor Norwegians… They waited patiently for months to have Obama there… bowing to their King.

During the meeting in Copenhagen, the US pushed for emission cuts from China. It is quite naïve of the US delegates to think China will do anything to prevent Global Warming; we all know how they like their shops to be really sweaty.

President Barack Obama told House Republican leaders to "stop trying to frighten the American people". It is quite hypocritical of the president to talk about frightening people, considering he is going to have Susan Boyle singing at Michelle’s birthday.

Gatorade will discontinue its Tiger Woods-endorsed drink, Focus. Evidently, the name doesn’t work anymore; it is obvious he couldn’t focus in just one slut.

Gatorade is not endorsing Tiger Woods anymore. The Gatorade logo is a G and they didn’t think it would serve the company’s interest to have Tiger Woods near a G spot.

The New York Yankees say they're not going to stop until they get Detroit Tiger fielder Curtis Granderson, especially now that they hear there’s a Tiger that hits everything.

Legislators in South Carolina didn’t impeach Governor Mark Sandford. Of course, now his transgressions make him look like a saint compared to Tiger Woods.

Tiger Woods was supposed to be the best man at his best friend's wedding this weekend, but decided against going. But there’s no way in hell he is going to miss that bachelor party now that his wife is gone.

Kate Gosselin says her kids have been crying because they miss the camera crew. Of course; those were the only ones paying attention to the kids, and feeding them, and giving them water…

Two female teachers were tossed out of their Brooklyn high school after a male janitor caught them naked together in an empty classroom and alerted the authorities. That proves janitors don't make enough money to afford a cell phone with video

Two female teachers were tossed out of their Brooklyn high school after a male janitor caught them naked together in an empty classroom and alerted the authorities. Poor guy, from now on, the PE female teacher is going to make his life miserable in school.

Someone broke into public health offices in Logan, Utah, and made away with 17 urine samples. Police think the suspect was shopping for a Christmas present for R Kelly.

Someone broke into public health offices in Logan, Utah, and made away with 17 urine samples. Police say that to capture this guy is their NUMBER ONE priority.

Someone broke into public health offices in Logan, Utah, and made away with 17 urine samples. It is going to be easy to capture the culprit; it belongs to any team in the NBA that doesn’t have anybody busted for smoking pot in the next game.

Members of Congress cancelled a proposed measure that would give Tiger Woods the Congressional Gold Medal for his achievements on and off the golf course… Because in congress nobody cares about his achievements on the golf course.