December 4th 2009

At this point everybody probably heard about the apologetic statement “let my family and everybody down, I’m so sorry…” No, I’m not talking about Tiger; I’m talking about the statement made by the players of the New Jersey Nets.

It has been such a horrible week for Tiger Woods, first the accident, then the allegations about his wife, the waitress’s voice mail. But it could have been worse. He could have been a Net’s fan.

Everybody talks about Tiger Woods’ ethnicity: he is half-Black, half-Asian, and now half-rich.

Experts believe Tiger Woods might have problems with some of his sponsors. Like, would you use AT&T knowing that 300 text messages and a phone call can cost you a fortune?

Not everybody is unhappy around Tiger Woods these days. His caddy is fine, especially because in the near future he’ll probably have to carry only half the number of golf clubs.

More and more women now say they have had affairs with Tiger. Man, they are coming out of the Woods!

The Harlem Gospel Choir cancelled their performance at a screening of Glenn Beck's film "The Christmas Sweater," especially because the Christmas sweater everybody was wearing at the screening was white and with a hood.

President Obama hosted a "jobs summit" at the White House today. It is quite promising; anyone that gets in gets a job in a reality TV show.

A man shocked his wife when right after the minister pronounced the couple man and wife the groom whipped out his phone to change his Facebook status from “in a relationship" to “miserable.”

Comcast Corp. announced Thursday it plans to get a majority stake in NBC Universal. The numbers have not been disclosed, but experts believe NBC didn’t have to pay that much money.

Los Angeles Lakers star Ron Artest says he used to drink liquor during NBA games when he was playing with the Chicago Bulls. It is not a big deal, I’m a Nets fan; I have to drink, before, during and after every game to put up with the pain.

Kloe Kardashian and Lamar Odom are finally legally married. The registrar's office of Orange County, California confirmed they filed a marriage license last week. Everybody kind of suspected they had gotten married, because they stopped having sex.

Three boys have been arrested for beating up red-haired children at school. Police were concerned because they are afraid this might discourage kids from beating the crap out of Carrot Top.

According to estimates by the Centers for Disease Control two in three store-bought chickens are contaminated with salmonella. So start buying now… you might get lucky and lose a lot of weight to wear that beautiful dress you always wanted to wear for Christmas.

Adam Lambert will be performing on "The Jay Leno Show” December 21st. That’s not the only surprise of the show; Kevin will drop his guitar to play keyboards for the first time ever.

Two penniless brothers who live in a cave outside Budapest inherited $7 billion. I just hope they don’t use that money to do a sitcom.

Bill Maher criticized IHOP for refusing to use cruelty-free eggs. Apparently Maher hates when the eggs are beaten.