November 26th 2009

Sarah Palin has made tons of appearances last week to promote her new book. She was everywhere; I think I even saw her at the end of the movie “New Moon” shooting some werewolves from a helicopter.

Roman Polanski said he can’t wait to see the movie “New Moon”, especially when he heard it was about a 100-year-old vampire trying to seduce a high-school girl.

Two missing fingers and a tooth from Galileo have been found after being taken from his body in 1737. Apparently, those were the fingers Galileo showed to the scientists when they made fun of him after saying the Earth revolves around the sun.

A 39-year-old man paid young teens to slap him, spit on his face, and call him names. Why would he spend money on that? Had he worn a mask of the kids’ math teacher’s face, they would have probably done it for free.

A 39-year-old man paid young teens to defecate on him. It must have cost him a fortune, because we know that teens don’t give a crap about anything.

Jennifer Lopez tripped and fell on her butt during her performance at the "American Music Awards". So if you felt a little earthquake yesterday at home, now you know why.

An Indian man has broken a world record by visiting all 194 countries on Earth in the shortest time ever. Apparently, he bought tickets for a United Airlines flight, and hid in his suitcase

An Indian man has broken a world record by visiting all 194 countries on Earth in the shortest time ever. I bet his family reunions are going to be so much fun from now on, when he pulls out the slides and tortures everybody with the thousands of pictures.

Peruvian jungle gangs are reportedly killing people for their fat to be used in cosmetic supplies. Instead of lipstick on a pig, this is like putting pigs on a lipstick.

Peruvian authorities said that a Peruvian jungle gang killed more than 60 people and used their fat for cosmetic supplies. 60 people? If they had caught two Americans, they could have helped the entire line of Revlon.

The Senate's version of Health Care Reform includes a 5% tax on cosmetic surgery. Who would have said that at the end, Republicans would have to admit that Nanci Pelosi might save this country’s economy?

The U.S. Postal Service announced that it is resuming a program in which volunteers respond to letters to Santa Claus that accumulate at the post office in North Pole. Great, now Roman Polanski will have time to kill in jail.

The U.S. Postal Service announced that it is resuming its "operation Santa" campaign. It’ll be an automated response saying: Sorry no money for presents this year thanks to Obama.

The Cuban government is providing free implants for guys with underperforming genitalia. Apparently, they want to keep alive the reputation that all the Cubans are good with their bats.