January 19th 2010

Tiger Woods is said to have entered a clinic for sex rehab. Come on Tiger! I can save you the hassle. Just put on 150lbs, give away all your money, and let’s see if you can screw any other chick anymore.

David Letterman said he wants to help Conan O’ Brian. Apparently, he is willing to have sex with all of Conan’s female staff members.

The Doomsday Clock has been set back 1 minute. In moving the clock from 5 minutes before midnight to 6 minutes before midnight, scientists expressed optimism for humanity's future. Are you sure? Have these scientist watched Glen Beck and Sarah Palin together on Fox News?

Doomsday Clock was moved back one minute from five-minutes-to-midnight to six-minutes-to-midnight. And still… Conan doesn’t want to take that time slot.

TV evangelist Pat Robertson said Haiti was cursed because when they were a French colony, they made a pact with the Devil to get rid of the French. “I didn’t sign any pact with them,” said Dick Cheney.

Televangelist Pat Robertson said Haiti was cursed because when they were a French colony, they made a pact with the Devil to get rid of the French. Come on Pat! You know you’re lying. You don’t need a pact with the devil to beat the French!

Republicans want to implement the strategy that helped them win in 1994 and believe that like in 1994 it is “Time for another Contract with America”. Wrong time to talk about contracts, especially after what NBC did with the Leno’s and Conan’s contracts.

The Transportation Security Administration says screeners at a small airport in Montana inadvertently allowed a passenger with a firearm in his carryon luggage through security last month. They probably got star struck when they saw such a great NBA basketball player, like Gilbert Arenas, visiting such a small town.

According to Newsweek, the number of cases reported in male-on-male sexual harassment is rising. The increase is mostly noticeable among keyboard players that joined Adam Lambert’s band.

A Manhattan plastic surgeon will donate all the proceeds from Botox and fillers to Haiti relief efforts on January 20. He expects to raise a fortune considering that that day Nancy Pelosi is her patient.

A man in Alaska used duct tape to fix his airplane after it was attacked by a bunch of bears. Nothing new… Southwest Airlines has been using duct tape to fix their planes for decades.

Tiger Woods may donate $3 million for earthquake relief in Haiti. It is a way to pay them back for grabbing the headlines and making people forget about him for a while.

In an interview with People magazine, Obama said that Tiger Woods can rehabilitate his life despite all the affairs. Why would they ask Obama about that? If they wanted an expert opinion they should have asked Bill Clinton.