January 9th 2009

President Obama said in a speech yesterday that we need to "keep dangerous people off airplanes." I guess, from now onwards, Charlie Sheen is driving everywhere then.

A legal brothel in Nevada got county approval Tuesday to be the first to hire male prostitutes. It is not going to work, why would a woman in Vegas pay for sex if they can always get Tiger Woods to do it for free?

A naked male jogger was nabbed outside the White House yesterday. Apparently, Bill Clinton’s New Year resolution was to lose some weight.

Researchers discovered that radiation from cell phones may reverse Alzheimer's disease. Awesome! People will now be able to remember that they got cancer from the radiation from the cell phones.

Researchers discovered that radiation from cell phones may reverse Alzheimer's disease. Perfect! People will now be able to remember to hide their mistresses’ compromising text messages from their wives.

There’s a new movement which preaches that it’s ok to be chubby. It’s called “Fat Acceptance Movement.” Already a contradiction in the name; Fat and Movement can’t go together.

A dog in Australia got a face lift and a double eye lift. He looks great, like 70 dog years younger!

A new poll named France as the best country in the world to live. It is true; look at Roman Polanski; he’ll do anything to go back there!

Mariah Carey was drunk when she accepted the Breakout Actress award at the Palm Springs International Film Festival. But even drunker than her were those who chose her as the best breakout actress!

Pamela Anderson has reportedly split with Jamie Padgett, the electrician she'd been dating. Ironically, she’ll be forced to go back to the batteries now.

A man is going to prison for ten years after being given the maximum sentence for stealing meat at a supermarket in South Carolina. He won’t need to do that in jail. He’ll get plenty of meat offers there and for free!

Katie Couric turned 53 yesterday. Ironically 53 is the same number of people that are watching her in the news lately.

A man in England who got his penis stuck in a steel pipe had to be cut free by firefighters. You know that the pipe was asking for it.

A man in England who got his penis stuck in a steel pipe had to be cut free by firefighters. You can’t blame him, it was a laying pipe.