May 26th 2010

A gambling website published odds on what species will be first to become extinct from the Gulf of Mexico oil spill. My money is on “The Democrats.”

Arizona Gov. Janice Brewer has requested predator drones from the White House to patrol the border region with Mexico. Obama apologized and said that at this moment he is using all of them to protect their daughters from the Jonas Brothers.

President Barack Obama suggested in an interview that LeBron James would fit in well with the Chicago Bulls. Obama is the right person to talk about free agents as he might become one after 2012.

Mark Twain's autobiography is finally to be published 100 years after his death. Sorry, but If I could wait a 100 years, I’d rather wait 102 and see the movie.

Donald Trump hired Brett Michaels in the season finale of The Apprentice. And Trump claims to be a great businessman? Brett immediately started collecting disability.

Market went down yesterday; mostly the stocks of major distillers and liquor distributors dropped after they heard the news that Lindsay Lohan had been ordered to wear an alcohol-monitoring ankle bracelet yesterday.

Lindsay Lohan was ordered yesterday to wear an alcohol-monitoring ankle bracelet. She is cool; as long as the judge doesn’t go for the drug-monitoring-nose ring.

Lindsay Lohan is concerned that the alcohol-monitoring bracelet on her ankle can ruin the filming of her upcoming movie. Especially considering she’ll be playing a porn star and she's worried that the ankle bracelet will keep getting caught on her earrings.

Miley Cyrus discovered a scorpion in her Nashville hotel room. Her father walked in the room and killed it. Then he billed her $200,000 for his services.

The FDA will debate approving a Viagra-for-women type drug next month. I thought wine was already legal in this country.

According to a recent survey by iVillage.com, 41% of women would rather catch up on sleep than have sex with their husband. Why does it have to be either/or? My wife does both things at the same time…

According to a recent survey by iVillage.com, 55% of married women are happy with their sex lives. The other 45% are not having affairs.


According to a recent survey by "Women's Health" magazine, 45% of women say they count calories. What proves how bad our education system is; none of them seems to know math.

A 63 year-old New Jersey man has been arrested for reaching under the blanket of a sleeping woman aboard a Continental flight and sexually abusing her. The bad news, he’ll go to jail for a long time; the good news, he’ll get better food there than aboard the plane.

A 63 year-old New Jersey man has been arrested for reaching under the blanket of a sleeping woman aboard a Continental flight and sexually abusing her. Today Continental changed its slogan. The new one… “Want to get off?”

May 17th 2010

Former NFL star, Lawrence Taylor, claims he only pleasured himself in front of the 16-year-old prostitute. He is definitely not going to have any problem finding expert witnesses when the case goes to court.

Former NFL star, Lawrence Taylor, claims he only pleasured himself in front of the 16-year-old prostitute. What a jerk!

A woman told President Obama he had a "smokin' little body" during a campaign stop in Buffalo. It was Kagan trying to show Republicans she is not a lesbian.

Sarah Palin is releasing another book in November. This one actually acts as a translator so you get to understand the first one.

The Pentagon will start awarding a medal for "courageous restraint." The first one will be awarded to Hoda Kotb for not killing Kathie Lee.

Kathie lee Gifford and Hoda Kotb did the "Today" show with no makeup on yesterday. A little early for the Halloween special, don’t you think?

A study says that caffeine reduces on-the-job mistakes. I just sent a bag of coffee to BP

A study says that caffeine reduces on-the-job mistakes. Shouldn’t we open a Starbucks in congress?

George Rekers, the anti-gay rights activist who recently toured Europe with a male escort says he is going to hire an attorney and fight the false media reports. Apparently he chose the attorney from rentaboy.com

George Rekers, the anti-gay rights activist who recently toured Europe with a male escort says he is going to hire an attorney and fight the false media reports. He is thinking on using the “Twinkie defense”

George Rekers, the anti-gay rights activist who recently toured Europe with a male escort still says that the men he hired from rentaboy.com was just someone that handled his bags. Apparently he wanted a well endowed one because he knew the bag handler will probably had to go through a body scanner at the airport.

Arizona State’s school chief said yesterday that public schools shouldn’t encourage students to resent a particular race. Apparently he doesn’t want schools to do the job of the government.

A man in Arizona tried to commit suicide by loading his car with explosives and driving it off a cliff but the car didn’t explode and he was arrested. Apparently he had taken bomb lessons with the Times Square bomber.

May 14th 2010

Sammy Sosa has black skin again. Unfortunately, he was immediately arrested while driving in Arizona.

TMZ posted a video yesterday of Miley Cyrus dancing suggestively with an older man during the wrap party for "The Last Song" last year. Billy Ray Cyrus said that he is going to have a talk with Miley in a couple days; first he wants to be sure he gets his allowance.

Larry King and his wife are calling off their divorce. It makes sense; why would she take 50 percent of the money when she can take 100 % in a matter of weeks, right?

"Life & Style" magazine reports that Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt are living in a filthy house. Mostly because she can’t control her gigantic boobs and she keeps knocking things over.

Comedy Central cancelled "The Sarah Silverman Program". Her fault; instead of screwing Matt Damon, she should have had sex with the CEO of Comedy Central.

Experts say Hair is one of the best solutions to absorb the oil from the U.S. Gulf Coast Beaches. Just hair clips; someone tell the guys from Jersey Shore they don’t need to dive in.

Dennis Quaid gained 35 pounds to play Bill Clinton in an upcoming HBO film. And he didn’t have to gain as much as the actress playing Monica Lewinsky.

South Carolina governor Mark Sanford admits he spent the weekend in the Florida Keys with his Argentinean mistress. Apparently, he wanted to take her to Arizona, but he was afraid she could get arrested.

Republicans picked Tampa as the site of their convention in 2012, mostly because they have the best lesbian-themed strip joints in the country.

Two medical marijuana stores were firebombed in Montana. Neighbors were quite upset but immediately forgot about it.

Two medical marijuana stores were firebombed in Montana. “They should do it more often,” said the local owner of Taco Bell. “Our sales skyrocketed!”

According to a new study, hearing your mother's voice can help ease stress. Apparently, these researchers haven’t met my mother yet; I don’t think I can reduce any stress when I hear my mom screaming that I haven’t accomplished anything in life!

According to a new survey, one in five parents regret the name they gave their kids, especially those who got beat up by their kids when they were old enough to realize how awful their names were.

A new study from the University of Wisconsin has found that kids are almost as comforted by a mother's phone call as they are from a mother's hug... So if you have AT&T, it’s like having a mom with no arms; she keeps dropping you…

According to a new study in Germany, men who marry much younger women live longer lives. Don’t be so happy. Living a long life penniless after they divorce you is not fun at all.

According to a new study in Germany, men who marry much younger women live longer lives. So, as long as Larry keeps marrying young women, he’ll never die.

According to a new study in Germany, women who marry much younger men live shorter lives. Yeah, but nobody can erase the smiles on their faces after they die!

May 12th 2010

According to a survey from the AARP, 43% of people over the age of 45 say they're satisfied with their sex lives. And those are the ones that are NOT having sex.

According to a survey in England, one in three people have had a sex-related injury… the one caught by the husband who came back home earlier from work.

South Africa's Drug Central Authority estimates 40,000 prostitutes will visit the country for the Soccer World cup. Who says there’s no scoring in soccer?

Dwayne Johnson will star in the fifth “Fast and the Furious” Movie Apparently, this time the “Fast and the Furious” are the Toyota owners.

President Obama has named Elena Kagan as his choice for the Supreme Court. For regular Americans to understand, it is like replacing a judge in American Idol with Ellen.

The escort from rentaboy.com that travelled to Europe with Rev. George Rekers told the media that he gave nude massages to Rekers. I don’t get it; he was the one carrying the bags; shouldn’t he be the one getting the massages?

A Continental flight dumped jet fuel over New Jersey Sunday. And apparently it fell all over the hair of the cast of Jersey Shore!

Ken Griffey Jr. allegedly fell asleep in the clubhouse during a recent Seattle Mariners game. That’s Mariners are not hitting a single ball lately, they don’t want to wake him up..

Ken Griffey Jr. allegedly fell asleep in the clubhouse during a recent Seattle Mariners game. In his defense, they were playing the Orioles!

Ken Griffey Jr. allegedly fell asleep in the clubhouse during a recent Seattle Mariners game. You can’t blame him, you need to sleep when you have games that last more than 6 hours.

Ken Griffey Jr. allegedly fell asleep in the clubhouse during a recent Seattle Mariners game. And that for those who say soccer is boring.

A photographer spotted a huge shark in a pickup truck in Florida. Apparently, the shark was chasing an ambulance.

Katy Perry tops the "Maxim" hottest 100 women. Her boyfriend Russel Brand must be so mad because he didn’t even make the top 10.

May 10th 2010

A TSA worker attacked one of his co-workers after one of the new airports scanners showed how small his junk was and he got teased repeatedly about it. He should have thought twice before the attack: at that time only people at work knew about his small penis, now, everybody in the world.

Former NFL star Lawrence Taylor was charged Thursday with raping a 16-year-old runaway. He played all his life as a linebacker, but he’ll learn fast how to play as a wide receiver when he goes to jail.

Former NFL star Lawrence Taylor was charged Thursday with raping a 16-year-old runaway. Everybody was appalled, especially Roman Polanski because the girl was too old.

Former NFL star Lawrence Taylor was charged Thursday with raping a 16-year-old runaway. He was one of the best defensive players of all time. I hope he’s got some game left, because once in jail, he’ll need to protect his tight end again.

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie has announced that he wants to give schools more flexibility in their scheduling by lessening the Physical Education Requirements. The truth is he doesn’t want the kids in shape, because he knows they will run faster out of New Jersey.

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie has announced that he wants to give schools more flexibility in their scheduling by lessening the Physical Education Requirements. It is insane, if the kids in New Jersey are not in shape, who on earth is going to want to watch Jersey Shore.

Supporters of Arizona's immigration law are now boycotting UPS. They definitely hate brown people over there.

A Washington school district will begin using drug-sniffing dogs in high schools. Parents are cool with the idea. They'd rather have dogs humping their kids than teachers.

A new survey shows 92% of Americans think God exists. The number of believers grew fast especially after Kate Gosselin got eliminated from Dancing with the stars.

Bruce Willis has signed on to "Die Hard 5”. I don’t want to say Bruce is old but this time in the movie the character fights against the Death Panels.

According to Forbes there are 70 mothers in the world who are billionaires. So if you were depressed because you didn’t know what to buy to your mother on Mother’s day, imagine the kids of those moms.

A man in Georgia is behind bars after police found marijuana growing in his TV. Apparently he couldn’t wait for the next season of Weed to start

A man in Georgia is behind bars after police found marijuana growing in his TV. Police confirmed even though the TV was old, it was High definition.

May 7th 2010

During an interview with ABC news, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said that Osama Bin Laden is living in Washington, D.C. A 6-feet 2 tall guy, familiar with bombs? He is probably playing for the Wizards.

During an interview with ABC news, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said that Osama Bin Laden is living in Washington, D.C. Yeah, apparently he was living in Detroit, but it got too dangerous there.

During an interview with ABC news, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said that Osama Bin Laden is living in Washington, D.C. Apparently, he just moved; he was waiting for Obama to pass the Health Care bill so he could treat his dialysis for free.

The terrorist suspect Faisal Shahzad, attended college in the US with a 2.78 grade point average. If you think that’s a bad grade, you should have seen the score card he got in the making-bombs-course at terrorist camp.

Officials believe that if the car bomb had exploded it would have killed people but not so many. Chances are, the terrorist could have caused more casualties had he driven a Toyota in Times Square during peak hours.

Former "playboy" model Kendra Wilkinson is trying desperately to stop the release of a sex tape that Vivid entertainment wants to make available to the public. She is really embarrassed; apparently, the video shows her wearing clothes.

Actor Charlie Sheen gave up custody of his kids with Denise Richards. It was really tough for Charlie to have to give up the kids. You know how much he enjoys hiring young nannies to take care of them.

ABC has added an additional half-hour to the series finale of Lost. Apparently, it’ll be a segment in which the cast of the show will apologize for wasting the audience’s time.

Senate Leader Harry Reid said the GOP is "making love to Wall Street." But if they are the ones making love, why is my butt the one that hurts?

Joe the Plumber won his election as a Republican committeeman in Ohio. He’ll do great; he is used to dealing with crap!

Since human hair absorbs oil, a Florida group is asking for hair donations so they can put it in stockings along the coast. They’ll have enough for the entire region if they get to convince Mo'Nique to shave her legs and donate the hair.

May 6th 2010

Yesterday was 5 de Mayo! Ironically, 5 are the Mexicans left in Arizona.

The Pakistani man who tried to blow Times Square was arrested while he was sitting on a plane that was about to take off for Dubai. He suspected officials were after him, especially when the flight attendant offered him free drinks, a pillow and a blanket.

The plane boarded by the terrorist suspect took off several hours after his arrest. It wasn’t because of security concerns; the air line was trying to make a buck reselling his ticket.

The Pakistani man who tried to blow Times Square was arrested while he was sitting on a plane that was about to take off for Dubai. That’s the official version. The truth is he surrendered after he discovered the in-flight movie was The Back Up Plan.

Republicans are mad at the Obama administration for reading the Miranda rights to the terrorist suspect. Apparently, they don’t want not only Miranda rights, but Charlotte, Samantha and Carrie rights either.

NBC head Jeff Zucker says he may run for public office. He’ll do great as a politician; he’s proven he is a master at screwing people… Right, Jay? Right, Conan?

Texas Governor Rick Perry claimed on Monday that the oil rig explosion may have been "just an act of God". And today, Obama sent God the bill to pay for the oil clean up.

Texas Governor Rick Perry claimed on Monday that the oil rig explosion may have been "just an act of God". I know BP is powerful, but to call them God...

Comedian George Lopez got to see Sandra Bullock’s baby. I think the kid had a little bit of Jesse James in him, because he asked Lopez to show his papers.

Pamela Anderson set some pelicans free at a Malibu beach in support of PETA. That’s not the only positive thing she did for humanity yesterday; she also got eliminated from Dancing with the Stars.

William Shatner has made $600 million pitching for Priceline.com. He is not that happy, considering his wig gets 50 percent of everything.

Keanu Reeves and Charlize Theron were photographed hugging and kissing outside a restaurant in Beverly Hills. You know there’s true love. At least for Keanu… you know he can’t act that well…

Today is Chris Brown’s birthday. Unfortunately, his party won’t be the same now that he is not with Rhianna anymore… he won’t have a piñata.

Environmentalists believe that the oil spill in the Gulf Coast can really ruin the wildlife in the area. Not because the birds are going to die directly from exposure to oil, but because so many people will try to shoot them down and squeeze them into the tank of their cars.

Rush Limbaugh has said repeatedly on his show the environmentalist wackoes could be responsible for the oil spill in the Gulf Coast. I have my own conspiracy; I believe it is all the birds’ plan to steal as much as possible on their wings.

A teenager in Missouri helped his great-grandma to fulfill one of her items of her bucket list and took her to his prom. What he doesn’t know is that grandma also got to fulfill a second item on her bucket list that night: She had a threesome with two of his classmates.

The man who tried to blackmail David Letterman is going to prison for six months. And trust me, he’ll do anything he can to avoid “a” black male inside.

May 5th 2010

Sorry I have been posting lately but I've been working hard at my real job. I'm writing jokes everyday though, just too lazy to post them... But I will start today...miss me? write me an e-mail at pedrobartes@hotmail.com
Enjoy

The FBI reported that the guy that tried to bomb Times Square used some sort of fertilizer. I guess it makes sense to use fertilizer when you are trying to plant a bomb.

A new study suggests that obese children are more likely to be bullied in school. You know what? All the fat kids in the class should get together and beat the crap out of that only skinny kid that is bothering them.

Country singer Chely Wright announced that she's gay. Apparently, she got tired of sharing the closet with Kenny Chesney.

The "National Enquirer" claims that President Obama had an affair with a young, former campaign aide. Oh… that’s why some Democrats were not that shocked when he was into drilling!

Florida state senator Mike Bennet was caught looking at pornographic material on his state-issued computer on the Senate floor. You have to understand the senator; sometimes, in order to screw people, you need some porn to get all worked out.

A growing number of churches are offering counseling to women who say that they are addicted to pornography. And there’s nothing better than a priest to understand that problem.

Surgeons removed 35 pounds from the breasts of a Peruvian woman who was trapped in her bed for six months because of her giant boobs. Apparently, the huge part of the boobs that was cut out from her announced later that it was running for congress.

Surgeons removed 35 pounds from the breasts of a Peruvian woman who was trapped in her bed for six months because of her giant boobs. Last time I heard of someone that oppressed by two giants boobs was the woman that works in Fox and Friends.

Surgeons removed 35 pounds from the breasts of a Peruvian woman who was trapped in her bed for six months because of her giant boobs. She is now a size 34B, and she immediately noticed the difference when she asked for water and everybody ignored her.

A set of golf clubs used by Tiger Woods is for sale on eBay with a starting bid of just a quarter of a million dollars. The clubs are certified; one of them contains Tiger’s DNA; the one Elin used to smack him on the face.

A set of golf clubs used by Tiger Woods is for sale on eBay with a starting bid of just a quarter of a million dollars. The set is not complete; one of the clubs is lost inside the Perkins Waitress.

A set of golf clubs used by Tiger Woods is for sale on eBay with a starting bid of just a quarter of a million dollars. And if you are a hot waitress, Tiger might throw in his balls for free.

An ice cream parlor near Massachusetts Institute of Technology will soon be "serving Internet-flavored ice cream". Don’t try it; I heard it tastes like Spam!

An ice cream parlor near Massachusetts Institute of Technology will soon be "serving Internet-flavored ice cream". It is not good business; people don’t pay; they just get full with the free samples.

An ice cream parlor near Massachusetts Institute of Technology will soon be "serving Internet-flavored ice cream". Don’t try the AOL one; it takes so long to be delivered, it melts before you get to eat it.

According to a study from the University of Valencia, beautiful women can be bad for your health because just five minutes alone with an attractive female raise the levels of the body’s stress hormone. I’m safe then; a hot woman won’t put up with me for more than 2 minutes after I use some of my usual pick up lines.

According to a study from the University of Valencia, beautiful women can raise the levels of the men body’s stress hormone. I guess this means hanging out with Susan Boyle is more relaxing than a massage.