December 13th 2009

Jenny Sanford has filed for divorce from her husband, South Carolina governor Mark Sanford. How ironic that she asked him to take a hike!

Jenny Sanford has filed for divorce from her husband, South Carolina governor Mark Sanford. It’s going to be hard for Mark Sanford to find a divorce lawyer available, Tiger probably hired all of them.

Adam Lambert was on "The View" yesterday morning. You see what they do in ABC, if you don’t behave?…. they punish you hardly.

R. Kelly is writing his memoir. Rumors are, he is using Roman Polanski as a ghost writer.

Several airports are opening lounges where passengers can take naps between flights. Because the planes are reserved for the pilots.

I think all this Tiger Wood’s scandal proved that the ancient Chinese medicine was only half right. The Tiger’s penis is not aphrodisiac, what’s aphrodisiac is the Tiger’s money.

You know what’s the difference between Santa and Tiger Woods? If you are naughty, Tiger gets you tons of presents.

One of the Tiger Woods' alleged mistresses, Rachel Uchitel, is in talks to pose for playboy. They are thinking they can have each month of the year covered with each mistress and call it “The Year of the Tiger”

A new study says an ingredient in beer may actually help prevent prostate cancer. That’s great! Now, I just need the study that says that Pizza and sex help prevent Alzheimer’s and I got my Christmas present.

A new study says an ingredient in beer may actually help prevent prostate cancer. Mmmm maybe what researchers meant was that only drunk, men dare have regular prostate exams which prevent prostate cancer.

FailBlog.org has released a list of the Top Most Memorable fail People of the Year. And Kanye West is the big winner. And today Tiger is demanding a recount!

FailBlog.org has released a list of the Top Most Memorable fail People of the Year. And Kanye West is the big winner. Unfortunately when he was about to receive the prize, Taylor Swift interrupted the ceremony and said that Tiger deserves that award.

President Obama will donate the $1.4 million that comes with the Nobel Peace Prize to charity. Wow, that’s a cute name for a lobbyist.

President Obama told House Republicans to "stop trying to frighten the American people." And if they don’t do that, they will be force to listen to a Biden’s speech.

December 12th 2009

Norwegians are mad because president Obama turned down a lunch invitation from the King of Norway. Poor Norwegians… They waited patiently for months to have Obama there… bowing to their King.

During the meeting in Copenhagen, the US pushed for emission cuts from China. It is quite naïve of the US delegates to think China will do anything to prevent Global Warming; we all know how they like their shops to be really sweaty.

President Barack Obama told House Republican leaders to "stop trying to frighten the American people". It is quite hypocritical of the president to talk about frightening people, considering he is going to have Susan Boyle singing at Michelle’s birthday.

Gatorade will discontinue its Tiger Woods-endorsed drink, Focus. Evidently, the name doesn’t work anymore; it is obvious he couldn’t focus in just one slut.

Gatorade is not endorsing Tiger Woods anymore. The Gatorade logo is a G and they didn’t think it would serve the company’s interest to have Tiger Woods near a G spot.

The New York Yankees say they're not going to stop until they get Detroit Tiger fielder Curtis Granderson, especially now that they hear there’s a Tiger that hits everything.

Legislators in South Carolina didn’t impeach Governor Mark Sandford. Of course, now his transgressions make him look like a saint compared to Tiger Woods.

Tiger Woods was supposed to be the best man at his best friend's wedding this weekend, but decided against going. But there’s no way in hell he is going to miss that bachelor party now that his wife is gone.

Kate Gosselin says her kids have been crying because they miss the camera crew. Of course; those were the only ones paying attention to the kids, and feeding them, and giving them water…

Two female teachers were tossed out of their Brooklyn high school after a male janitor caught them naked together in an empty classroom and alerted the authorities. That proves janitors don't make enough money to afford a cell phone with video

Two female teachers were tossed out of their Brooklyn high school after a male janitor caught them naked together in an empty classroom and alerted the authorities. Poor guy, from now on, the PE female teacher is going to make his life miserable in school.

Someone broke into public health offices in Logan, Utah, and made away with 17 urine samples. Police think the suspect was shopping for a Christmas present for R Kelly.

Someone broke into public health offices in Logan, Utah, and made away with 17 urine samples. Police say that to capture this guy is their NUMBER ONE priority.

Someone broke into public health offices in Logan, Utah, and made away with 17 urine samples. It is going to be easy to capture the culprit; it belongs to any team in the NBA that doesn’t have anybody busted for smoking pot in the next game.

Members of Congress cancelled a proposed measure that would give Tiger Woods the Congressional Gold Medal for his achievements on and off the golf course… Because in congress nobody cares about his achievements on the golf course.

December 11th 2009

Tiger Woods' mother-in-law was admitted to the hospital yesterday .And if you thought Tiger was a hero to all the men out there for having affairs with tons of hot women, now that he almost killed his mother-in-law, his status was elevated to almost God.

Tiger Woods' mother-in-law was admitted to the hospital yesterday after she complained of stomach pains. Apparently, she and her daughter went out to dinner on Monday night so now all the waitresses at the restaurant are main suspects for food poisoning.

Tiger Woods' mother-in-law was admitted to the hospital yesterday. Don’t tell me Tiger tried to go COUGAR!

Tiger Woods' mother-in-law was admitted to the hospital yesterday. Tiger visited her at the hospital and left satisfied, because she was fine, and also because he got the phone numbers of every female nurse there.

Prostitutes in Copenhagen are offering free sex to the climate-change delegates. How many Republicans do you think are going to start believing in global warming just to take advantage of this offer?

A newspaper in China said that a Chinese man signed a contract that allows his wife to beat him up once a week. Only once a week? Where do I sign said Tiger.

A Florida woman is facing a felony domestic abuse charge for allegedly striking her boyfriend several times in the head with a raw steak. Apparently, she had a beef with him.

A Florida woman is facing a felony domestic abuse charge for allegedly striking her boyfriend several times in the head with a raw steak. Her defense is not going to work; she claims she was just tenderizing it for him.

Someone threw 2 tomatoes at Sarah Palin during a book signing. Fortunately, the person missed twice… unfortunately for the Cubs, he’ll be released in time for next season.

Low temperatures are affecting almost the entire country. It's Polanski cold out there... in the teens

It is so cold, even Tiger Woods would rather sleep inside the house with his mad wife and mother-in-law.

It is so cold, Tiger Woods’ wife said she wants to burn some wood.

It is so cold even Kirstie Alley is refusing to open the refrigerator.

It is so cold Britney is wearing underwear.

December 9th 2009

Madonna has left opened the possibility that she may adopt again. She’s got now 4 kids, actually 5 if we count her boyfriend, Jesus.

During the Kennedy Center Honors this weekend, President Obama called Bruce Springsteen "The Boss." Man, is there anyone this guy WON'T bow down to?

President Obama will go to Oslo, Norway, tomorrow to accept his Nobel Peace Prize. Rumors are Tiger Woods will be there accepting his Nobel Piece Prize.

State police in central Pennsylvania say a 13-year-old girl led troopers on a high-speed chase that reached speeds of more than 100 mph. Her excuse? She was driving that fast because she thought Roman Polanski was chasing her.

Elin Nordegren had enough and moved out of the $2.6 million Windermere home. Of course, with all the money she’ll get from Tiger, she can do better than a $2.6 million home.

Tiger Woods' wife has reportedly moved out. “Party tonight at Tiger’s crib,” said Edwards, Letterman and Mark Sandford!

Today the Enquirer got an exclusive; apparently, they had in the cover the only woman that hasn’t slept with Tiger yet.

There are already 9 women claiming to have had affairs with Tiger. I think he’s done, he just completed 18 holes.

There are already 9 women claiming to have had affairs with Tiger. So when he was telling his wife that she was a 10, he meant number 10th in the list?

According to a recent poll, Tiger's approval rating is at about 60%. And today Obama cancelled his trip to Europe and went to Vegas to start hitting on cocktail waitresses.

A new study found that the more TV a 3-year-old watches, the more aggressive they will be. Did we have TV when Dick Cheney was 3 years-old?

Anesthesiologist tops the latest list of the highest-paying jobs in America. As things go in 2010 the best paid job in America will be Cocktail waitresses.

Hillary Clinton said she is willing to look into the murder conviction of U.S. student Amanda Knox. And Bill offered himself to go immediately to Italy and rescue the hot student.

One of Tiger Woods' many alleged mistresses is trying to sell alleged pictures of Tiger Woods naked to Playgirl.com. I don’t want to ruin it for her, but many gold fans have seen Tiger’s balls before in tons of golf magazines.

Playgirl magazine says they are currently trying to authenticate naked photos of Tiger Woods before we make any decisions on purchasing them. That’s easy, just go outside and stop any blonde girl on the street and ask her if she has seen this man naked before.

December 8th 2009

Tiger Woods has reportedly offered his wife $80 million for them to remain together for another six years. Wait, didn’t Eliot Spitzer lose his job for paying a woman to spend time with him?

One of Tiger’s mistresses, Mindy Lawton, claims to have had a year-long affair with Tiger Woods and revealed that Tiger is "very well endowed". I guess we now know which is his black half.

Did you hear that Tiger’s wife is considering getting a caddy? Yeah, to carry her golf clubs and Tiger’s balls.

Tiger Woods asked a waitress to change the message of her phone in case his wife called her. Apparently, the message was: “Hi, this is Jamiee Grubbs, one of Tiger’s sluts. Please leave a message.”

Tiger Woods is considering an invitation to appear on the sofa of the Oprah Winfrey show, especially because it is a comfy one to crash for a while until his wife calms down.

More mistresses are coming out of the WOODwork. Now there are already 6 women claiming to have had affairs with Tiger. Unfortunately for his wife, you know he won’t stop until he completes the 18 holes.

A U.S. consumer group contends that the Zhu Zhu Pets hamsters are unsafe. Apparently, there have been reports of parents that got injured after they told their kids they couldn’t get one for Christmas.

A U.S. consumer group contends that the Zhu Zhu Pets hamsters are unsafe. Apparently, there have been reports of parents that got injured fighting with each other to buy the remaining ones for their kids.

The New Jersey Nets won for the first time this season, ending the worst start in NBA history at 18 losses. Fans celebrated nonstop until they remembered they still live in New Jersey.

Adam Lambert will perform on "The View" later this week. It is going to be good for ratings; that show needs someone a little bit feminine besides Elisabeth Hasselbeck.

Adam Lambert will perform on "The View" later this week. I can’t wait for the fight between him and Elisabeth Hasselbeck. Not so much about gay rights, but she won’t let him steal all the time in the make-up room.

The House Homeland Security Committee Chairman said the White House state dinner could have ended in a "night of horror." Fortunately, organizers came to their senses and cancelled Biden’s speech.

California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger used a dramatic climate change map to demonstrate how global warming could ruin the state of California. But he said not to worry, by the time he’s done as governor, there will be nothing left to destroy.

Scientists in Canada, who were doing a study on pornography, couldn’t find a single man who hasn’t watched porn. They thought a blind person could be the answer, until they found out the reason why he went blind.

Scientists in England have created the world's smallest 'snowman', measuring about a fifth of the width of a human hair. Do you need any other evidence that global warming exists?

A woman gave birth to a baby boy on a Southwest Airlines flight from Chicago. And as soon as the plane landed, the airline made her pay an extra ticket for the baby.

Sarah Palin says it's fair to question the legitimacy of President Obama's birth. It would be fair to ask her some questions too, but she doesn’t let the media get near her.

The government found a new job for the secret service officers that let the couple into the White House. They are going to be assigned to protect the border with Mexico!!

U.S. Customs and Border Protection officials caught a guy smuggling a fully-cooked chicken stuffed with cocaine. A chicken full of cocaine? What was this guy doing with Amy Winehouse?

December 5th 2009

A new rule will bar pro football players who show significant signs of head injuries from returning to games and practice. I hope they don’t do the same with golf, otherwise Tiger is screwed.

Three Secret Service officers have been put on administrative leave after the security breach at last week's White House dinner. The White House should have seen this coming especially because these three guys’ prior task was to control the border with Mexico.

President Obama and his family lit the national Christmas tree at the White House yesterday. Obama said they will continue with their policy of recycling and after Christmas they will use that tree to make paper and use that paper to print more money and to add more pages to the Health Care Bill.

Rolling Stones guitarist Ron Wood was arrested on suspicion of domestic assault Wednesday night. Apparently, he thought he needed to protect the legacy of the “Wood” name…

President Obama's illegal immigrant aunt says she hasn't had contact with him since his inauguration. Well, she can come unannounced to the next White House Party.

According to an internal memo, one of Sarah Palin’s demands for her book-signing appearance at the Mall of America was no foreign press allowed. And by foreign press she meant everybody but Fox News.

An inmate had to have a five-inch shank surgically removed from his rectum. Guards suspected there was something wrong when they caught him opening an envelope with his ass.

According to a recent study, young adults who are fit have a higher IQ and are more likely to go on to university. Ohhh, that’s why football players pass without taking the tests; they don’t need it.

Most people find Tiger Woods guilty for ruining such a beautiful family. The only one, so far, ready to pardon him is Mike Huckabee.

Police in Texas seized a batch of ecstasy pills that are shaped like Barack Obama’s head. Maybe Obama can give it to his ratings so they get a little high.

Police in Texas seized a batch of ecstasy pills that are shaped like Barack Obama’s head. That’s the only way Rush Limbaugh can swallow him.

A selection posted on the Myspace website in the name of the Vatican includes a track from rapper Tupac Shakur. Now I understand why the Vatican loves gold so much…

A selection posted on the Myspace website in the name of the Vatican includes a track from rapper Tupac Shakur. Myspace? As usual, the Vatican is centuries behind in time…

Roman Polanski was released from a prison and put under house arrest. Perfect. Right in time to answer some of the letters kids send Santa for Christmas.

P. Diddy's Twitter account was hacked this week. No Diddy, it is not called hacking, it is called sampling!

Susan Boyle's album is set to pass the one-million mark in the U.S. Experts believe the Twilight craze helped, because a lot of people wrongly think they can use her picture on the cover of the album to scare off vampires.

December 4th 2009

At this point everybody probably heard about the apologetic statement “let my family and everybody down, I’m so sorry…” No, I’m not talking about Tiger; I’m talking about the statement made by the players of the New Jersey Nets.

It has been such a horrible week for Tiger Woods, first the accident, then the allegations about his wife, the waitress’s voice mail. But it could have been worse. He could have been a Net’s fan.

Everybody talks about Tiger Woods’ ethnicity: he is half-Black, half-Asian, and now half-rich.

Experts believe Tiger Woods might have problems with some of his sponsors. Like, would you use AT&T knowing that 300 text messages and a phone call can cost you a fortune?

Not everybody is unhappy around Tiger Woods these days. His caddy is fine, especially because in the near future he’ll probably have to carry only half the number of golf clubs.

More and more women now say they have had affairs with Tiger. Man, they are coming out of the Woods!

The Harlem Gospel Choir cancelled their performance at a screening of Glenn Beck's film "The Christmas Sweater," especially because the Christmas sweater everybody was wearing at the screening was white and with a hood.

President Obama hosted a "jobs summit" at the White House today. It is quite promising; anyone that gets in gets a job in a reality TV show.

A man shocked his wife when right after the minister pronounced the couple man and wife the groom whipped out his phone to change his Facebook status from “in a relationship" to “miserable.”

Comcast Corp. announced Thursday it plans to get a majority stake in NBC Universal. The numbers have not been disclosed, but experts believe NBC didn’t have to pay that much money.

Los Angeles Lakers star Ron Artest says he used to drink liquor during NBA games when he was playing with the Chicago Bulls. It is not a big deal, I’m a Nets fan; I have to drink, before, during and after every game to put up with the pain.

Kloe Kardashian and Lamar Odom are finally legally married. The registrar's office of Orange County, California confirmed they filed a marriage license last week. Everybody kind of suspected they had gotten married, because they stopped having sex.

Three boys have been arrested for beating up red-haired children at school. Police were concerned because they are afraid this might discourage kids from beating the crap out of Carrot Top.

According to estimates by the Centers for Disease Control two in three store-bought chickens are contaminated with salmonella. So start buying now… you might get lucky and lose a lot of weight to wear that beautiful dress you always wanted to wear for Christmas.

Adam Lambert will be performing on "The Jay Leno Show” December 21st. That’s not the only surprise of the show; Kevin will drop his guitar to play keyboards for the first time ever.

Two penniless brothers who live in a cave outside Budapest inherited $7 billion. I just hope they don’t use that money to do a sitcom.

Bill Maher criticized IHOP for refusing to use cruelty-free eggs. Apparently Maher hates when the eggs are beaten.

December 3rd 2009

A Massachusetts woman says she saw the image of Jesus Christ under her iron. There was a guy in Florida that almost saw Jesus because of an iron… Tiger Woods.

A rare, 5-carat pink diamond was auctioned off for a record $10.8 million in Hong Kong on Tuesday. And now everybody in the world knows what Tiger Wood’s wife is getting for Christmas.

Nike issued a statement of support for Tiger Woods on its website. Tiger loves Nike so much he is now carrying its logo engraved on his forehead.

Everybody is commenting on the Tiger Woods’ incident. Now Golf experts are saying that for such a short drive, the Escalade was the wrong choice; Tiger should have used a mini Cooper.

I don’t understand what the big deal is with this reality TV show couple that got into the White House. It is not that difficult, are we forgetting that even Bush got into the White House?

A former Miss Argentina has died from complications after undergoing cosmetic surgery on her buttocks. Apparently, she accomplished what she wanted… to have a killer butt.

A Massachusetts woman says she saw the image of Jesus Christ under her iron. Probably because she constantly hears her husband saying, “Jesus, iron my clothes, woman!”

Biologists believe humans are born with an urge to help others. That proves what we always suspected: that the members of congress are from another planet.

Dick Cheney criticized President Obama for showing too much weakness. But before he finished the sentence he needed to be assisted three times, given an oxygen tank and CPR because his heart stopped several times.

President Obama announced the deployment of 30,000 troops to Afghanistan, including 2 more soldiers: The White House party crashers so that they can begin filming their new reality show "The real Housewives of Kabul."

President Obama announced the deployment of 30,000 troops to Afghanistan. And who is going to protect the White House from unwanted reality TV show guests?

A family in Chicago is suing a funeral home for ruining the service by trying really hard to squeeze in the body of their dead relative in a small casket. They could have cut these’ man’s feet, he doesn’t need them anymore, he already kicked the bucket.

ABC is developing a new sitcom starring Nicole Richie. The title? 30 Lbs.

Snoop Dogg has partnered with a British company called VoiceSkins.com to make his voice available to people who use the TomTom GPS navigation system. Now you can find any corner in the world to buy pot and also every Taco Bell out there for the munchies.

December 2nd 2009

Tiger Woods was said to be really mad at his wife after she allegedly swung a golf club at him. She’s been married to the best golf player in the world and she still doesn’t know you don’t use an Iron for such a short distance?

Hollywood producers want to cash in this Tiger Woods’ scandal. They are coming up with a new movie: CaddyShag!

Tiger Woods has backed out of the Chevron World Challenge, a golf tournament in Thousand Oaks, California. But fans won’t be disappointed because his wife will replace him.

A friend Tiger Woods’ said that Tiger was thinking of buying his wife a Kobe Special, also known as a house in a ring, a very expensive ring. Every time I cheat on my wife I buy her a house in a ring, unfortunately for her my house in a ring is not expensive because it is a house in Detroit.

President Obama addressed the country today and said he’ll be sending 30,000 troops to Afghanistan. Maybe if he wanted to make both Democrats and Republicans happy he should have said that among the troops he’d be sending the two losers that crashed the White House dinner party.

According to a new online survey, 32% of people say they would "absolutely" have a threesome, no questions asked. Unfortunately for Tiger Woods, he discovered the hard way that his wife wasn’t among that 32 percent.

Experts believe that the sales of foundation makeup have soared thanks to the "Twilight" craze. Actually, I think the sales of foundation makeup skyrocketed just because Adam Lambert went shopping to prepare for his next gig.

Susan Boyle's debut album has already broken records on the UK charts. Industry experts believe the success is due to the great variety of songs included in the album, and the fact that her picture is not on the cover.

Clay Aiken turned 31 yesterday. And if you haven’t bought him a present yet, you can’t go wrong with piano lessons; I heard he wants to play the organ for Adam Lambert.

A German tourist was arrested at Disney World for claiming he was carrying a bomb. Apparently, it was just a misunderstanding and he just had a copy of the movie “Old Dogs” in his backpack.

An English woman who suffers from sleep apnea, and stops breathing several times each night has a dog that puts his paw on her chest to wake her when her breathing stops. Luckily, she’s got a dog, and not a cat, because if the cat gets annoyed with her snoring, it would probably use a pillow to smother her.

According to PNC Wealth Management to buy the items in "The Twelve Days of Christmas" would cost more than $87,000. But if you have cash in hand, we can settle for half of that.

According to AAA, fewer people traveled for the Thanksgiving holiday this year, in spite of falling gas prices and last-minute deals on airfares. Why would you travel if you already live with your parents, in-laws, and other relatives, after you were forced to share a house due to foreclosure?

A significantly higher number of U.S. shoppers bought products online during the so-called Cyber Monday. Unless, of course, you have AOL , and in that case you are still trying to buy in the so-called Cyber Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday...

Researchers say that turkey is not the reason why people get tired after Thanksgiving dinner. Apparently, what makes people exhausted is the fight to try to button up their pants again.

According to a survey, this Monday, more than 30 percent of Americans shopped online while at work. The other 70% are already unemployed.

Around 72% of online retailers had special Cyber Monday promotions: no more than 10 pop-ups a page.

Alec Baldwin says he is quitting acting in 2012. Unlike De Niro and Pachino who have quit acting years ago.

December 1st

According to TMZ, Tiger Woods’ wife chased him with a golf club after a heated argument. Apparently, when Tiger married her because she said she was good with the iron, he never thought she was talking about the golf club.

Everybody is commenting on Tiger Woods incident. Golf experts are saying that for such a short drive, the Escalade was the wrong choice; Tiger should have used a mini Cooper.

According to TMZ, Tiger Woods’ wife chased him with a golf club and swung it against the car after a heated argument. And today she got an invitation to play in LPGA.

Tiger Woods crashed his Escalade into a fire hydrant and tree right outside his house. Right after the accident, his caddy released a statement saying they are working on improving his short drive.

Tiger Woods released a statement yesterday but the statement failed to clear up any questions about the accident. Police said the story got too many holes, like 18 holes.

Roman Polanski will be moved from jail to house arrest at his home in the Alps of Switzerland. Everybody is ok with that, except of course, for poor Heidi of the Alps…

A couple of aspiring reality-TV stars from Northern Virginia crashed the White House’s state dinner Tuesday night, and took pictures with world leaders including Biden and the president. Obama was furious and immediately asked the secret service to be disciplined, especially those who let Biden in.

A couple of aspiring reality-TV stars from Northern Virginia snuck in the White House’s state dinner Tuesday night without invitation. When Obama heard that someone had crashed the party, he immediately assumed it was Biden’s motorcade.

Who says that the White House is not creating new jobs? They probably got these two losers Michaele and Tareq Salahi the chance of landing a Reality TV Show.

The couple that crashed the White House party is said to be pursuing a reality TV show. I think most Americans agree they should be in one… “Cops”

The media is still trying to figure out how this couple of aspiring reality-TV stars from Northern Virginia was able to crash the White House’s state dinner. Apparently, when the secret service asked for their invitation they said it was next to Obama’s birth certificate and that’s how they got in.

A couple of aspiring reality-TV stars from Northern Virginia crashed the White House’s state dinner Tuesday night. They were not the only reality-TV people at the party; Jon Goselin was trying to make some money as a valet parking.

Obama thanksgiving dinner menu was released Friday. Apparently, the president had 6 varieties of pies and a big turkey stuffed with ACORN.

President Barack Obama pardoned a white turkey on Wednesday. So I guess it is all even between Blacks and Whites with the OJ thingy right?

As a part of the tradition, the turkey Obama pardoned on Wednesday travelled on first class to Disneyland. Apparently, they made the bird travell on first class, because it wouldn’t last two seconds next to the hungry passengers in coach.

Sarah Palin participated in the 5K marathon of Kennewick, Washington. Most participants were Democrats, because it was hard to find any Republican that wanted to run with Sarah Palin.

Sarah Palin participated in the 5K marathon of Kennewick, Washington. Actually, it was a 10K marathon but she quit in the middle of it.

Glen Beck is from Washington State and he participated in a similar competition, instead of the 5K, he was part of the 5 KKK.

Sarah Palin and her family spent Thanksgiving with her family in Washington State. Levi Johnston wasn’t there, so there was nobody to take care of the stuffing this time.