Friday, December 15, 2006

December 15, 2006

I'm in Argentina and without computer and my beautiful wife is writing this ;-) "Hi" and I'll be back either Sunday or Monday with more jokes!
Thanks

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

December 13th 2006

Christmas
Now that my parents are getting older I think differently when Christmas shopping. Instead of asking myself “What do they need?” I ask myself “What would I like to inherit?”

My family draws names for Christmas, but my brother refuses to give anyone his gift ‘wish list’. He says that if you really know the person you don’t need a list. The point is I don’t want to know him any better. As long as he isn’t stumbling into my room by mistake and wrecking Dad’s car then I’m cool with just a list.

I used to love our office Christmas party. I thought it was funny to see who hooked up with the receptionist, until last year when it was me.

Nicole Richie

Nicole Richie was arrested on suspicion of DUI, driving the wrong way on the freeway. She claimed she took the wrong turn in an attempt to catch up to her career.

Troy Smith
Heisman winner Troy Smith was forced to ship the trophy home instead of carrying it on the plane with him. The problem started when airport security could not get the shoes off of the statue.

Heisman Trophy winner Troy Smith ran into trouble when he could not get his award past the security checkpoint, much like Windows Vista.

Bush
Bush said he will unveil his new Iraq policy next year. He is thumbing through the Iraq Study Group report, hoping to find answers in the back of the book.

Hey everybody, these are Dan's jokes, a close friend of mine, thanks Dan! I did not have time to write anything today. And he happened to send me these jokes and I like them so enjoy.
I am leaving to Argentina today, I hope to post jokes regularly, or as soon as I get by a computer. I am gonna spend 20 hours trapped on a plane and I hope to kill time writing something.
In any case, I'll be back on December 31st, yes, New Years Eve on a plane, and only to save money. Everytime I tell people I am gonna spend New Years Eve on a plane the first thing they say is : Well maybe the airline is gonna give you free champagne.... Are you insane? An airline giving you something for free? Maybe they will let us lick the empty glasses of first class, or dunk our three peanuts on the pilots' drinks. Anyhow, keep checking the page daily. Later.
Pedro

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

December 12th 2006

Nicole Richie
Nicole Richie was arrested early Monday for investigation of driving under the influence. Nicole was stopped in the carpool lane, going the wrong way on the freeway while using her cell phone. Apparently she was calling 911 to report that hundreds of cars were driving on the wrong direction.

Nicole Richie was arrested early Monday for investigation of driving under the influence. Police suspected she’s taken drugs because when they asked her to walk straight on the line for the sobriety test, she wanted to snort it.

Bipartisan
Fox news has accused NBC White house reporter David Gregory of bipartisan for asking questions the Bush administration had no answers for. If Fox News is going to consider bipartisan those who ask questions Bush doesn’t know the answer to, they might have to include every teacher the president has ever had.

Christmas Trees
15 Christmas trees were removed from the Seattle airport because a rabbi demanded the airport put up an eight-foot menorah to balance the message of the Christmas trees. In other news Mel Gibson is accusing the Jews for all the deforestation in the world.

Kirk Douglas
On his 90th birthday, actor Kirk Douglas has written an open letter asking the youth to fix the world because the situation is intolerable. Unfortunately they will never know about the letter because Douglas didn’t post it on any Myspace account.

Bush
During his weekly radio address, President Bush spoke about parts of the Iraq Study Group report that agree with his policies, but he ignored the sections that criticize his administration's handling of the war. Apparently they had to fill most of the radio address with Christmas music.

Iraq
In order to turn over the security to the Iraqis, the U.S. is training the Iraqi police to be more efficient, like the U.S. police. The Iraqi police won’t be ready until they stop beating up the Jews to start beating up the African-Iraqis.

The Iraq Study Group, among several recommendations suggested a graceful exit from Iraq. Apparently they want to hire Dick Clark for the countdown.

Secretary of Defense Donald H. Rumsfeld, with only days left in office, paid a surprise farewell visit to U.S. troops in Iraq this weekend. Unfortunately he caught the soldiers cheating on him with Secretary of Defense-designate Robert Gates.

In other news
According to Hanesbrands Inc., the company that makes both L'eggs and Hanes pantyhose, sales have dropped damn near 70% in the past decade. In order to improve their sales the company decided to launch a new line of pantyhose for Evangelical pastors and congressmen.

Monday, December 11, 2006

December 11th 2006

Congress
A group of congressmen is concerned with the idea of extending the Congressional work week to five days because they won’t have time to see their families. Apparently two days off is only enough time to visit their mistresses.

A new report indicates the U.S. has the world's largest prison population. Coincidentally the U.S. has one of the most corrupt congress.

Federal prosecutors say a Vancouver man has faked retardation for the past decade. Just the opposite of what congressmen have been doing in congress in the last decade.

Bush
During his weekly radio address, President Bush spoke about parts of the Iraq Study Group report that agree with his policies, but he ignored the sections that criticize his administration's handling of the war. Apparently they had to fill most of the radio address with music.

During his weekly radio address president Bush spoke about the Iraq study group. He said he will talk more in details about the entire report as soon as they released it on tape.

Nicole Richie
Nicole Richie was arrested early Monday for investigation of driving under the influence of alcohol, authorities said. She blew 0.15 on the breathalyzer test and on the scale.

Nicole Richie was arrested early Monday for investigation of driving under the influence of alcohol, authorities said. Police was only able to take frontal mug shots pictures because every time she would turn sideways, it was hard to find her.

Nicole Richie was arrested early Monday for investigation of driving under the influence of alcohol, authorities said. Apparently they used one handcuffed to tie both her arms around her hips.

Britney
After a flurry of criticism, Britney Spears acknowledged that her pantyless escapade were not a good idea. She is thinking of firing the publicist that came up with the idea of showing her privates just when Bush has the lowest ratings ever.

A New Jersey company has come up with the first chewable birth control pill. Some blondes are concern that they won’t be able to chew and do it at the same time.

In other news
According to Forbes magazine the Long Iceland Iced tea is the most fattening drink and it has 780 calories. Ironically four Long Iceland Iced teas have 0 calories because you end up puking.

Sunday, December 10, 2006

December 10th 2006

Mark Foley
The House ethics committee found that no rules were broken in Republicans' handling of Foley's case and that the former Florida congressman did not break any rules and won’t be punished. In fact Mark Foley is so innocent, that congress is thinking of putting him in charge of the Congress ‘s daycare center.

Congress
Federal prosecutors say a Vancouver man has faked retardation for the past decade. Just the opposite of Congressmen.

The 109th Congress, which is history after this weekend’s final flurry of legislative activity, met for less time than any Congress in half a century. Congressmen are getting more efficient now, they need less days to screw things even worse.

The elected congress plans to work five days a week starting in January. It seems this future congress don’t care about spending time with their families said a group of lobbyists.

Iraq Study group
The Iraq study group issued 79 recommendations for improvement in Iraq, obvious recommendations that most of the people have been suggesting since the insurgency broke up, making us all feel like scholars.

Thursday, December 07, 2006

December 7th 2006

Iraq
Al Gore called the Iraq war the worst mistake in the history of the United States. The Tiramisu dessert he wolfed down at lunch came in close second.

Fashion
During a White House holiday reception, Laura Bush and other three women donned the exact same $8,500 red Oscar de la Renta dress. That was not the only fashion faux pas Laura had that day, apparently she was showing Bush like Britney Spears and Paris Hilton.

Christmas Tree
The Christmas spirit arrived to Capitol Hill Wednesday after the tree-lighting ceremony for the Capitol Christmas tree in Washington. The Holiday season is on the air, yesterday I saw press secretary Tony Snow and NBC's David Gregory singing carols together.

An 8-year-old boy from Bremerton got to help throw the switch Wednesday night at the tree-lighting ceremony for the Capitol Christmas tree in Washington, D.C. The tree is decorated with more than 10,000 lights and 3,000 ornaments. In other news, hundred of thousands of families continue without power for a fourth day following a December 1 ice storm.

Iraq study group
New York Post columnist Andrea Peyser wrote two different versions of the same column in the paper on the same day, one supporting Obama, and the other slamming him. The next day she was offered a job to write for the Iraq study group.

Hey there, more jokes later as I am leaving to Vancouver Canada for Visa related Issues and I hope to come back to the US later on the day . If my future jokes are in Spanish, well, it means the US embassy did not like me that much and send me back to Argentina.......at least I might get to meet the twins... my cousins are twins...

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

December 6th 2006

Iraq
Incoming Defense Secretary Robert Gates says we're not winning the war in Iraq. In other outstanding comments, he also said the Raiders are not going to make it to the playoffs.

The Iraq Study Group has concluded the situation in Iraq is "grave and dangerous" and that there is no magic formula to solve it. The group suggested as the most viable solution in Iraq, a beautiful letter to Santa.

Moon
NASA announced Monday that an international team of astronauts will be living and working at a permanent moon base to be built within the next two decades. That is the second longest contract Halliburton got, second only to the one in Iraq.

NASA wants to have a self-sustaining moon base operational by the year 2020. More or less by the time Iraq will have a self-sustaining army.

Immigration
One in seven Mexican workers has left their country and is working in the United States, an immigration study said on Tuesday. According to the report, by the time they finished writing it, the number of Mexican workers in the U.S. is two in seven, and apparently by the time you finish reading this joke it might increase to five in seven.

One in seven Mexican workers has left their country and is working in the United States, an immigration study said on Tuesday. The other 6 are about to turn off the lights, and get on a van heading for the Arizona desert.

Taco Bell
Taco Bell on Tuesday raised to nine the number of fast-food restaurants it closed in New York and New Jersey after a suspected outbreak of the E. coli bacteria. Apparently not even the Chihuahua wants its Taco bell now.

Cats
Edinburgh scientists revealed today that cats can suffer from a feline form of Alzheimer's disease. Maybe that’s why my fatty cat asks me to feed him 2 minutes after I did so… he forgets.

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

December 5th 2006

Jessica Simpson
During her performance at the Kennedy Center Honors ceremony Sunday night, Jessica Simpson abruptly ended her song "Nine to Five" and quickly left the stage. Simpson claimed she was too nervous during the performance because she has never had a regular job.

Britney
According to "Yahoo," Britney Spears was the most popular search term of the year. Most of the searches were done by her two kids trying to locate their mom.

According to "Yahoo," Britney Spears, was the most popular search term of the year. “Bush” came in close second.

CBS will air tonight the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. Could somebody tell Britney Spears about it?

Rumsfeld’s memo
Donald Rumsfeld was revealed Sunday to have sent a classified memo to President Bush urging a change in Iraq. Some political analysts believe the memo is just Rumsfeld’s way to cover his ass. It seems evangelist Ted Haggard is back in Capitol Hill.

Donald Rumsfeld was revealed Sunday to have sent a classified memo to President Bush urging a change in Iraq. The first change: fire the Secretary of Defense.

Walt Harris was fired Monday as Stanford's football coach, two days after finishing the worst season in more than four decades at the school. On Tuesday his former assistant coach revealed a secret memo in which Harris urged Stanford’s president immediate changes in the football team.

AOL Latino
AOL has officially launched AOL Latino, a Spanish-language portal, as a free service to offer Latinos the chance to use the web as a learning tool. Some conservatives are already complaining saying that once again Latinos are doing the job Americans do not want to do.

Jenna Bush
During her trip to Argentina, Jenna Bush, one of the presidents daughters, visited “La Cava," one of the poorest outskirts of Buenos Aires. According to U.S. officials, Jenna wanted to see what the US might look like if her father continues screwing it up.

Monday, December 04, 2006

December 4th 2006

Jessica and Ashley Simpson
A piece of gum once chewed by Jessica Simpson is up for bid on eBay. Now that she doesn’t have anything to chew, she will be able to walk again.

In a magazine interview, singer Ashlee Simpson said that she is not done with plastic surgery and now wants butt implants. She claims that at least now when she makes an ass of herself in SNL, it is gonna be a rounded, an attractive ass....

Iraq Study Group
The Iraq war study group will recommend that US forces begin to withdraw in a "graceful exit." Apparently the troops will exit flying first class.

Currency for the blind
The Treasury Department denied allegations that U.S. currency doesn’t enable blind people to differentiate among the denominations. They claim their system is infallible: if you pull out a $100 at a bar you are going to get hit on by more women than if you pull out a $1 dollar bill.

Cold
With temperatures dipping below freezing, lots of people all along the US are without power. They are called "the middle class".

X-Ray Machines
TSA will begin testing passenger x-ray machines that see right through a passenger's clothes at several airports. Coincidentally, the number of hot women suspected terrorists has increased.

Chavez
Leftist President Hugo Chavez won the re-election in Venezuela by a wide margin Sunday. It seems Chavez kept the Venezuelan voting machines Bush wanted for the midterm elections and sent the "Good" ones here.

After a huge victory, Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez is considering shutting down some television stations that he has accused of subversive activities. Apparently the only station he might leave airing is "Zorro" news.(for those who understand some Spanish)

Lohan
Lindsay Lohan has admitted she's going to AA. Considering the letter of condolence she wrote to film director Robert Altman's family, that would be the only way she could ever get an A.

Friday, December 01, 2006

December 1st 2006

Iraq
The Iraq Study Group ended three days of meetings in Washington on Wednesday and will present President Bush with three options to solve the situation in Iraq. Leave, run away or get the fudge out of there.

Schools
Sixteen-year-old Kaytie Christopherson won a brand-new pickup truck for perfect school attendance. Unfortunately she won a Ford thus her perfect attendance is likely to disappear.

Indiana University won a contest for having the best vegetarian meals in their student cafeteria. Now they are trying to find a way to convince the students to eat them.

Stones
The Rolling Stones have grossed $427 million on their "A Bigger Bang" tour. Coincidentally 427 million is the number of people the Stones have Grossed out by showing their wrinkly faces up close.

Al Gore
Former Vice president Al Gore could win an Oscar as his movie "An Inconvenient Truth" might be nominated for the best documentary of the year. And you thought that the thanking speeches were boring before, just wait.