October 5th 2006

Mark Foley
Most people believe Speaker Dennis Hastert should resign because he was warned long ago about Foley’s relationship with pages. In fact he was informed about it so far back that the sexual conversations between the disgraced congressman and the teens were carried via smoke signals

After Foley’s scandal with the Congressional Pages, requirements for future pages that want to start working in Congress have changed. On their resume and under skills, applicants for the Pages program should write that they cannot type more than 2 words an hour and that they can’t even handle a Fax machine.

Children as shields
Congressman Tom Reynolds denied he gave a press conference surrounded by children to avoid being questioned about Mark Foley’s sex scandal. Apparently reporters refuse to attend his next press conference when he’ll be addressing the Intel report that says that there’s a civil war in Iraq, in case Reynolds gives the conference surrounded by Shiites and Sunnis.

"Commemoration of success"
In this year's defense spending bill, Congress has set aside $20 million for the "commemoration of success" in Iraq and Afghanistan. The only problem is that by the time we win the war, $20 million dollars will probably be enough to buy only 2 cans of silly string.

In this year's defense spending bill, Congress has set aside $20 million for the "commemoration of success" in Iraq and Afghanistan. By the time we win the war the money might not be enough but at least the "Mission Accomplish" banner will be still intact when we rescue it from Rumsfeld’s butt.

Fence
President George W. Bush signed a bill to give 1.2 billion dollars to build a fence along the US-Mexico border to stop the flow of illegal immigrants. According to Homeland security they are not going to start building the fence until they have enough illegals to do it.

According to the U.S. Census Bureau, the resident population of the country will hit 300 million sometime in mid-October. Other experts disagree and say that that number could be reached this weekend considering the long lines of illegals that are trying to cross the border before the US builds the new fence.

Fox News
Fox news channel mistakenly labeled former Representative Mark Foley a Democrat during Tuesday’s broadcast. This is not the first time Fox makes this mistake, after all they have labeled Senator Joe Lieberman a Democrat for a long time.

Car Accident
A woman in Bulgaria survived a car accident thanks to her big fake breasts that served as airbags. The woman received flowers from millions of husbands all over the world thanking her for providing men with a new excuse to ask their wives to get implants.