March 7th 2007

Cheney
Dick Cheney has been diagnosed with a blood clot in his left leg. The vice president was not surprised about it and said he always knew the left was going to try to kill him.

Walter Reed Scandal
President Bush named Bob Dole as one of the persons in charge of investigating problems at Walter Reed Army Medical Center. Because there’s nothing that a wounded, neglected soldier needs more than a bottle of Viagra.

Fox News has been trying to spin the Walter Reed scandal. Now they are saying it is a plan of the Bush administration to mistreat the wounded soldiers so the soldiers get better at avoiding getting hurt while in combat.

Sales of the magnets and bumper stickers in the shape of yellow ribbons with the slogan "Support Our Troops" have dropped to 4,000 a month from 1.2 million. The Bush administration suggested using the unsold bumper stickers as cockroach glue traps at the Walter Reed medical Center.

President Bush has named Democrat Donna Shalala and Republican Bob Dole to head a commission to investigate problems at Walter Reed Army Medical Center. The president said he believes it is fair that both parties have the chance to screw soldiers equally.

Northwest employee
An off-duty Northwest Airlines employee was arrested after a woman on a flight from Seattle complained that the man had ejaculated on her. The CEO of Northwest Airlines was furious and asked for an immediate discharge but later had to clarify that he meant resignation.

Scooter Libby
Former White House aide I. Lewis "Scooter" Libby has been found guilty on four of five counts in his perjury and obstruction of justice trial. He already secured a job in the penitentiary as the official prison rat.

Former White House aide I. Lewis "Scooter" Libby was convicted Yesterday of obstruction, perjury and lying to the FBI in an investigation into the leak of a CIA operative's identity. Wouldn't it have been faired that Bob Novak had gotten the exclusive on the verdict?