May 1st 2007

Bush
President Bush ignored former CIA George Tenet’s accusations and said he doesn’t have time to read Tenet’s memoirs because he is saving his reading time for Alberto Gonzales’ memoirs.

Classroom Evacuation
Classrooms at a Des Moines Area Community College were evacuated over a suspicious package that actually contained 500 condoms. Students didn’t leave the building over the fear of a bomb, but rather because the package with 500 condoms was bought by the teachers.

Pilot
A blind British pilot accomplished his dream and completed a record-breaking flight halfway around the world. Actually he was just stuck all the time on a Jetblue on the runway, but nobody dared tell him the truth.

Alec Baldwin
Alec Baldwin is releasing a book about divorced parents and child custody. He expects to do most of the money with the audio tapes.

Phone Numbers
Members of both parties are working together on a new National Do not Call Registry number that would immediately bump off your number, not of any telemarketer list, but from Deborah Palfrey, the D.C. Madam’s phone list.

The View
The two big names so far to replace Rosie O’Donnell in The View are Rosanne Barr and Joan Rivers. Apparently they wanted to replace Rosie by someone in the 200s.... 200 lbs or 200 years old.

American Idol
Last Week American Idol had a special show called "Idol Gives Back" where they raised tons of money for the needy: poor kids in Africa and Katrina and some former American Idol contestants.

Voting
According to a recent study, the United States has an average turnout in presidential elections of 48.3 percent and ranked 139th out of 172 countries surveyed. It is ironic that such a small turnout would elect the president of the United States and the presidents of several other countries in the world.