June 10th 2007

William Jefferson
A federal judge Thursday seized the assets of Rep. William Jefferson after investigators raided Jefferson's home in Washington and found $90,000 in cash stuffed in his freezer. Ironically the judge needed to defrost the assets to be able to freeze them back.

Bill Gates
Bill Gates returned to Harvard University on Thursday to receive an honorary degree after dropping out of college 33 years ago to start Microsoft. Apparently, Gates dropped after getting tired of constantly failing "Copyright Infringement 101."

Bush
White House Officials said that George W Bush failed to attend morning sessions at G8 talks because of a stomach upset. According to Bush’s doctors, it was nothing serious, apparently Bush’s crap could not also find an exit strategy.

Shuttle Atlantis
The space shuttle Atlantis docked with the international space station Sunday. NASA reportedly is not real happy with the Atlantis crew. So far they've only sent back fuzzy photos of Paris Hilton.

Dick Cheney
Vice President Dick Cheney will have a routine heart checkup on Friday, his office said on Thursday. The checkup is scheduled to last 7 hours, 1 hour for the checkup and the other 6 to find his heart.

Storm
Two men were injured Friday afternoon in Lexington when lightning struck a creek near were they were standing as a line of heavy thunderstorms moved through the area. They all blame Giuliani who was in town talking about abortion.

Paris Hilton
According to law enforcement sources , Paris Hilton has not eaten or slept since arriving at the medical ward of a Los Angeles jail and is being given psychotropic drugs. After hearing about the drugs hundred of Hollywood celebrities offered themselves to do Paris’ time.