July 23rd 2007

Colonoscopy
Doctors removed five small polyps from President George W. Bush's colon during a cancer screening Saturday, they were named: Exxon Mobil, Chevron, Texaco, Shell, ConocoPhillips.

Britney
Britney Spears is in trouble again for cussing out some paparazzi cameraman by saying "Hey baby when are you going to go on a diet, you fat f...?" Britney denied those allegations and claimed she was talking to one of her babies.

LA Robbery
A burglary crew has reportedly taken more than $7 million in jewelry from several L.A. mansions. The jewelry consisted mostly of alcohol-monitoring anklets.

Cheney
President Bush transferred the powers of his office to Vice President Dick Cheney for two hours Saturday while under sedation for a colon-cancer screening. When Bush woke up we were at war with Iran, Syria and Venezuela.

President Bush transferred the powers of his office to Vice President Dick Cheney for two hours Saturday while under sedation for a colon-cancer screening. It was enough time for Cheney to pardon Michael Vick and put him in charge of Guantanamo.

Iraqis
Thousands of jubilant Iraqis celebrated in the streets of Baghdad after their national soccer team beat Vietnam 2-0 in a quarterfinal match of the Asia Cup. Everybody participated, even suicide bombers honked the horns of the car bombs before slamming them into their targets.

Thousands of jubilant Iraqis celebrated in the streets of Baghdad after their national soccer team beat Vietnam 2-0 in a quarterfinal match of the Asia Cup. President Bush was wondering if those two goals could be counted as two more accomplished benchmarks.

OxyContin
Purdue Pharma L.P., the maker of OxyContin, and three of its executives were ordered Friday to pay a 634.5 million fine for misleading the public about the painkiller’s risk of addiction. Apparently they already recovered the money after Rush Limbaugh and Lindsay Lohan made their weekly OxyContin shopping last Saturday.

Giuliani
Presidential candidate Rudy Giuliani received a surprised support by some firemen. It wasn’t the New York department, but rather Chuck and Larry from the blockbuster movie" I know pronounce Chuck and Larry" and just because they like Giuliani in drag.