July 17th 2007

Path to salvation
Pope Benedict XVI approved a statement issued by the Vatican reaffirming the Roman Catholic Church as the only true path to salvation, especially if you are one of the people that got $1.2 million in the latest settlement for clergy abuse.

Ford
In an effort to inspire more confidence in its future, Ford Motor Co. is investing in a project to make a car fueled by hemp. Unfortunately, Toyota is already working on a faster and cheaper version: a car fueled by crack.

In an effort to inspire more confidence in its future, Ford Motor Co. is investing in a project to make a car fueled by hemp. The only known problem is that the car stops itself every couple of hours at a 7-Eleven to recharge its battery with chips.

Meet the Press
During a heated verbal joust in Meet the Press, Democratic Senator Jim Webb accused Republican Lindsey Graham of South Carolina of putting his political views into the mouths of soldiers. Graham totally denied it and said that the Bush administration doesn’t put political views into the mouth of the soldiers or helmets on their heads or vests on their chests.

The Emperor
A man calling himself "the Emperor" and declaring he was "here to take over state government" was shot and killed inside Colorado's Capitol building yesterday. Cops hesitated to shoot at first because when they heard someone screaming "I am the emperor" they all thought it was Bush again after a couple of beers.

McCain
Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix is the number one movie in America. To give you an idea of the success, the lines outside the movie theaters are longer than the line to collect unemployment checks close to McCain headquarters.

According to Campaign finance reports released in recent days, presidential candidates are overspending. Sen. John McCain blew through the $11 million he raised during the past quarter Apparently, most of the money was spent on well whishes cards for the campaign staffers that resigned.

More McCain’s staffers are resigning. Things are going so bad for the senator that he was seen driving by Home Depot in search of new campaign aides.

Candidates' wives
The wives of some of the Presidential candidates are having a more important role in their husband’s campaigns. Apparently political strategists realized that a fight between Fred Thompson and Dennis Kucinich over oil is not as interesting as oil wrestling match between Thompson's gorgeous blonde wife, Jeri Thompson, and Kucinich’s hot wife.