September 11th 2007

Petraeus
Gen. David Petraeus testified before congress Monday about the situation in Iraq, and presented what for a lot of people was a cooked report. The hearing was broadcast by C-Span and the Food Network.

Food Labels
Federal health officials are considering adding easy to understand symbols with nutrition information to food labels. Apparently those food products that are healthy will carry a photo of Britney from an old MTV Awards performance, and those fattening, high cholesterol products, a picture of her last MTV performance.

Osama
Osama bin Laden appeared this Tuesday for the second time in a week in a new video. Al-Qaeda members reported on their website that those who missed the first one should not worry because they can catch the entire season in a future DVD.

A new video featuring an introduction from al Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden was released Tuesday. In the new video Osama looks thin, young, with a dyed-black beard, wearing a white robe, and in an opening statement tells Britney how to have a better come back.

Senator Vitter
A former New Orleans prostitute who says she had an affair with Sen. David Vitter will provide details at a press conference Tuesday. When asked about, Sen. Larry Craig said that David Vitter is a “nasty, naughty boy.”

A former New Orleans prostitute, who says she had an affair with Sen. David Vitter, will provide details at a press conference Tuesday. As it was not a gay affair, the ratings of Sen. David Vitter have increased dramatically among Conservative voters.

Thompson
GOP White House hopeful Fred Thompson told Iowans yesterday that the Al Qaeda smoking ban was one of the reasons why Sunnis in Anbar province bolted to the U.S. side. Apparently, Iraqis rather die from cancer than as suicide bombers.

GOP White House hopeful Fred Thompson told Iowans yesterday that the Al Qaeda smoking ban was one of the reasons why Sunnis in Anbar province bolted to the U.S. side. Well, we all know how much Iraqis love their camels.

Britney Spears
One of the celebrity blogs blames Britey’s bad performance at the MTV Video Awards on a broken stiletto heel. Apparently they saw Britney moments before her performance using the heel to skewer a chicken shish kabob.

Univision
The Democratic presidential debate hosted by Spanish Channel Univision was so far the most watched of all the presidential debates. Apparently the candidates’ nannies, maids and servants wanted to check the TV to know when their bosses would come back home and in the meantime make out with their boyfriends and girlfriends in the house.