March 11th 2008

Spitzer
New York Governor Eliot Spitzer resigned after it was discovered he hired a prostitute in New York and arranged for her to meet him at a hotel in Washington DC. Apparently, all the prostitutes in Washington were already busy with other congressmen.

New York Governor Eliot Spitzer has admitted he was a client of a high-end prostitution ring. Coincidentally, “prostitution ring” is the new name jewelers give to the ring husbands buy to their wives after being caught with a prostitute.

It took Hillary Clinton minutes to get rid of Spitzer's name from the website after the Times story broke: “it’s 3 am and you discover one of your supporters is involved in a sex scandal, who do you want to change your website faster than anyone else?”

The person who might replace New York governor Eliot Spitzer is mostly blind. Apparently, unlike Spitzer, he didn’t hire prostitutes to release his sexual tension; he excessively took care of himself, and that’s how he became blind...

Water
A vast array of pharmaceuticals, including antibiotics, anti-convulsants, mood stabilizers, and sex hormones, has been found in the drinking water supplies of several American cities. We finally unveiled the mystery of what was in the red glass Paula Abdul always has next to her during “American Idol.” It’s just water…

A vast array of pharmaceuticals, including antibiotics, anti-convulsants, mood stabilizers, and sex hormones, has been found in the drinking water supplies of several American cities. That makes you wonder: Is waterboarding really torture now?

Vatican
The Vatican considers becoming wealthy as one of the new deadly sins. Apparently, that is President Bush’s latest achievement: giving more than 99% of Americans eternal salvation.

The Vatican considers polluting the environment one of the new deadly sins. Doesn’t the Vatican pollute the environment every time they use white smoke to announce a new pope?

Obama
During a GQ magazine questionnaire, Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama refused to answer whether he wears boxers or briefs. In a related story...John McCain refuses to confirm if he wears Huggies or Depends.

Bush
Last week President Bush vetoed a bill that would have banned torture. Apparently, he knew he was going to be singing at a Gridiron Dinner Saturday and didn’t want to break the laws.

Social Network
According to a new study, 70% of girls between the ages of 15 and 17 have a page on a social networking site like Myspace or Facebook. The study also reveals that 90% of those girls are 50 year old dudes trying to hit on the other 10%.

Cold
The National Climactic Data Center says this has been the coldest winter in seven years, especially if you lost your house to the mortgage crisis and you’re now sleeping on the streets.