March 13th 2008

Eliot Spitzer
During a press conference announcing his resignation, former Governor Eliot Spitzer said he needs some time to heal himself. You would think that if you spent $5000 in a prostitute the least they can do is give you one that is STD free.

The call girl involved in the Spitzer scandal said that she doesn’t want to be called a monster, unless of course you pay the right amount of money, and then you can call her Hillary as much as you want.

Eliot Spitzer's resignation ends a political career that showed great promise. His name was even being tossed around as a candidate for vice president. Now he's better qualified to be the “president of all vices…”

Eliot Spitzer’s lawyers now are strategizing on his legal defense. Now they are saying he acted irrational because he was on tap water.

A recent study by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention found that one in four teenage American girls has a sexually transmitted disease. Apparently those are the ones that get rated with only half a diamond at the Emperors Club.

Some reporters are speculating that Spitzer is working on a deal to avoid jail. Even he knows that in jail and with his looks inmates would rate him only as a two-soap bitch.

Pacemaker
A team of computer security researchers said they have been able to gain wireless access to a combination heart defibrillator and pacemaker. The FBI became suspicious when they saw Dick Cheney kissing a puppy and helping an old lady cross the streets.

A team of computer security researchers said they have been able to gain wireless access to a combination heart defibrillator and pacemaker. Dick Cheney’s heart had been in so much danger before; not even the last time the price of the barrel of gas dropped $5 in one day.

Jack Kevorkian
Assisted suicide advocate Jack Kevorkian, said he's running for Congress. Congressmen in DC said that they didn’t need him, because if they want to commit suicide they just need to be caught with a hooker.

Assisted suicide advocate Jack Kevorkian, said he's running for Congress. The only problem he has is that he keeps killing his possible voters.

Capitol Building
A small plane intruded the restricted airspace over Washington, D.C., Wednesday, putting the Capitol building on alert but posing no imminent threat. The North American Aerospace Defense Command said the plane, a small Cessna, was nothing to worry about; it was just delivering the daily bags of cocaine straight from Colombia.

Worse
According to a new survey by NBC News and the "Wall Street Journal” 43% of Americans say they're worse off now than they were in 2004. The other 57% couldn’t be reached because their phone was disconnected for missing payments.

David Paterson
New York Lieutenant Governor David Paterson is set to become the state's first black governor and the first legally blind governor in U.S. history. Immediately after hearing the news, Geraldine Ferraro said he’s lucky; he wouldn’t be there if he wasn’t a black blind man.

Madonna
Madonna is releasing an album called “Four Minutes” which makes reference to the number of minutes it takes you to destroy it after you listen to it.

Bathroom
It was reported that a woman in Ness City, Kansas, spent two straight years in her boyfriend’s bathroom, to what Larry Craig asked “so how much sex did you get?”

Low pants
A city in Florida just passed a law that will fine or jail people who wear their pants too low. Apparently, they were disgusted last time Hillary campaigned in Florida and flashed them her butt crack.