June 10th 2008

McCain
Presidential candidate John McCain told the media yesterday he’s in a serious quest to look for his number two. If only he'd followed the doctor’s advise and had more Metamucil he would find his number two more often.

Condoms
The U.S government supplied scientists in Antarctica with 16,500 free condoms. So, despite all the objections, it seems there’s going to be some drilling in Antarctica after all.

The U.S government supplied scientists in Antarctica with 16,500 free condoms. The scientists were forced to explain that the reason why they bought the smallest condoms available was because of all the shrinkage.

Dirt
NASA scientists said Monday that they are trying to use the Phoenix lander to get a scoopful of Martian dirt... on Obama.

Energy Bars
A Native American company is selling energy bars. Apparently, they want you to look in shape after you lose all your clothes gambling.

Computer
An American military computer set a record by processing more than 1.026 quadrillion calculations per second. The government will now use it to calculate the price of gas and our debt with China.

Shoes
Doctors say that flip-flops can cause more medical problems than high heels. “Besides, you don’t look that hot,” said Ryan Seacrest.

Chances
Da’Tara, a 39-1 shot horse, won the Belmont Stakes Saturday. “39-1 shot? I still got chances,” said Nader.

Obama
Barack Obama rode his bicycle Sunday along the shores of Lake Michigan. He, unlike Bush, was wearing a helmet, but in Bush’s defense there’s not much to protect up there anyway.

Chicken
An elusive chicken that took up residence outside a McDonald's was captured and sent to live as a pet with a worker. People outside McDonalds were pissed; this could have been the chance for the Chicken McNugget to be made with real chicken.

Debt
According to a new poll by the Associated Press and AOL, Americans in debt are much more likely to report health problems, especially in your knees if you don’t pay in time.